Hey, we’ve all been there.

Weeds may have gotten much darker over its four year run, but that doesn’t mean they forgot how to bring the yuks.

Spoiler Alert!
Vague and mild, but still kind of a spoiler.

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June 30, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

From the ashes of forgetfulness…

I had heard of this band somewhere, then forgot about them. I saw them on SNL, then forgot about them. A friend recommended them to me, then I forgot about them. It’s pretty safe to say that if I hadn’t seen this homemade mashup I would not be listening to their album as I write this.

Here’s to more videos like this slowing the inevitable march of dementia across my brainmeat.

June 29, 2009 | Filed Under text | 2 Comments 

This is how I’ve felt every second of the last several months since I stopped shaving my head.

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June 29, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Because if there is a hell, surely I have bought my way in several times over by now.

(via Chip Zdarsky)

June 25, 2009 | Filed Under text | 4 Comments 

You put the wrong em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble.

The past few weeks have been pretty exciting. In 26 years of being able to understand spoken language, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my last name said aloud as much as I have in the last twenty-some days.

There are a lot of news stories floating around out there about my ‘cuz, most of them at least somewhat warranted. Is she qualified to be on the Supreme Court? Will she overstep her role as a jurist? Is she a “reverse racist”?1 But also apparently there’s a controversy over her influence on the English language.

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Having a four syllable last name is pretty trying sometimes. I’ve heard every variation.

I usually don’t give it much thought since I always have to spell it out regardless, but now, not entirely without precedent, it’s all the rage at the water cooler. So this guy doesn’t know how to pronounce my name. Welcome to the club. He goes on to say that emphasizing the last syllable of my name, as opposed to the first, is an unnatural English pronunciation and caters too much to foreigners.

Surely, it’s not unnatural. Our mouths are fully capable of making these sounds. You don’t usually run a MAY-o-ral campaign, it’s may-O-ral.2 Just remember this handy mnemonic: Soto, may oral.

Also, hate to break it to you, but English is pretty much the whore of all languages.3 Look at her over there, a million words and counting, letting just about anyone with a trebuchet and a big enough diphthong inside her.

Normally, I agree that when English speakers go out of their way to pronounce a word more like its language of origin4 it usually comes off as silly and pretentious. This whole thing is just quickly devolving into blatant, unapologetic racism, which I actually prefer to insidious, soft-spoken racism, but still.

The New York Times had a report over the weekend on Sonia Sotomayor’s background, which noted that the judge, as a young woman at Princeton, “spent summers reading children’s classics she had missed in a Spanish-speaking home and ‘re-teaching’ herself to write ‘proper English’ by reading elementary grammar books.”

Pat Buchanan, at his most Pat Buchanan-esque, is not only using this anecdote to mock the judge, but he continues to push a baseless, insulting far-right line about Sotomayor’s intelligence.

“Well, I, again in that Saturday piece, she went to Princeton. She graduated first in her class it said. But she herself said she read, basically classic children’s books to read and learn the language and she read basic English grammars and she got help from tutors. I think that, I mean if you’re, frankly, if you’re in college and you’re working on Pinocchio or on the troll under the bridge, I don’t think that’s college work.”
– Steve Bennen, Washington Monthly

You know what Pat? You’re right. Clearly, Princeton has become little more than a safety school. Just look at this year’s valedictorian.


Wear sunscreen!

I’ve said it before and will say it again: we take words far too seriously. Names are something you can ignore. They’re such a bizarre idea that everyone takes for granted and invests far too much of themselves in.5 6

A few years back when Adam Gadahn, the “American Al-Qaeda” first slithered onto the scene, I remember distinctly not knowing what to find more ridiculous, a Jew born to born again Christian parents who grew up to be a militant Muslim, or how the media couldn’t quite figure out how to handle something as simple as what to call him. I can’t remember what network7 aired this: “Adam Gadahn, whose real name is Adam Pearlman…”.

Oh, is that a fact? His real name? So is a name real by fiat of race, nationality, circumstance or god? A male name is more real than a female name. A white name is more real than a black or brown name. An American name is more real than a Middle Eastern name. A Jewish or Christian name is more real than a Muslim name. Am I forgetting anything? When a woman gets married but takes her husband’s last name, her maiden name becomes imaginary right?

This gets at the other issue I have with patrilineality in paritcular. We need to stop all this ancestor penis worship. With little exception, every time a black American has a British or French surname, every time a Phillipino has a European surname, every time a hispanic person exists, is evidence, circumstantial though it may be, of a rape or enslavement, and in many cases both.8 Why is everyone so eager to memorialize this?


Reno 911!, the most erudite racial scholars around.

Speaking of segues, I mean MayOral races, I think my current mayor is one of the few people to have the right idea. I’ve always thought that as soon as two people get married both of them should choose their own new last name. Villar + Raigosa = Villaraigosa. Simple, no? Although, maybe he should have gone with his second choice, Villareallyhotspanishreporters.

It doesn’t have to be this boring though, hyphenates are fine, but go nuts, invent a new last name, borrow one from another language, possibly Klingon. Also, I think once someone reaches an appropriate age, either upon entering puberty or maybe once you turn 18, you have to choose your own first name. Names are important solely to the extent that they help us know what we are talking. They are useful and necessary, but they should also be voluntary.

It’s a common trope in fantasy stories that to know someone’s true name is to wield power over them.


Best sports documentary since Hoop Dreams.

Back to the matter at hand. The most famous Ricardo already died leaving a giant power vacuum I’m manuevering to fill. Now I just need to become the second most famous Sotomayor and I’m all set.

Sort-of-my-whore out.

  1. *Fingers crossed* [↩]
  2. Don’t even get me started on gubernatorial. [↩]
  3. Esparanto is more a hideous Brundlefly abomination. [↩]
  4. Putting some ‘english’ on it, as it were. [↩]
  5. Mr. Churchill you can take your rules and shove them…up…the place where your poo comes out…of. [↩]
  6. Grammar jokes, folks! Obscure ones, even. That’s what’s been missing all along. Big time, here I come! [↩]
  7. ABNBCBHBOX? [↩]
  8. First names aren’t safe either. The same is mostly true every time a European has a Middle Eastern first name: Michael, David, Paul, John, Joshua, Rachel, Sarah, Ruth, Hannah, Deborah, you know, real foreign sounding names. [↩]
June 19, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Free Brazilian Wax

Are you worried about bikini season? Are you tired of all that unruly pubic hair?

There HAS to be a better way!

Well, have I got the solution for you. Just play this infuriating game where you have to figure out arcane and obscure visual clues about movie titles from the last 20 years. Eventually you’ll rip out all of your pubes in frustration.

I really suggest you try for a while, hell you can save your game and come back later, before you give in and look at the answers. I’m loathe to even link to them but it’d be crueler not to. Although some of these are completely ridiculous and others are just hard to visually make out, stick with it. Hell, there were a clues that I had no idea were movies, but I reasonably guessed and lucked out, so you never know. Don’t forget the aloe vera.

(via deusexmalcontent)

June 16, 2009 | Filed Under text | 2 Comments 

Rickumentary

Guess who, through a intricate and completely plausible series of events, now has a documentary film crew following him around 24 hours a day? They just started filming on Friday but they’ve already whipped up a quick teaser and have graciously let me post it here.

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My computer is basically my new tv though.

I know those convertor box coupon’s cost the government more than they bargained for, but at this point, what with the hours of technical support I’ve been providing, I should really be getting a cut.

I know in 40 years I’m going to be complaining about those punk kids on their damn hoverboards who won’t get off my virtual lawn and I’ll secretly be paying one of them to teach me how to log on to the MISTernet.1

But if I ever get as inept and easily confused as, well pretty much every single one of my blood relatives well, just make it quick.

Ray Kurzweil, don’t fail me now.

  1. Just kidding, in 40 years I’ll be yelling at those damn serf kids pulling their oxen who won’t get off my patch of gravel. [↩]
June 15, 2009 | Filed Under text | 2 Comments 

Please excuse the mess

So I was updating Wordpress and that Tumblr theme I was using is really old and well, you know how the internet is a series of tubes? Well something got stuck.

Everything should be in working order in a few days. Any suggestions?

Also, not to put any pressure on you guys, or even for a moment compare this hot mess to a legitimate, professional, put together, consistent, and intentionally hilarious website, but if this site got comments like this I might be inclined to post more often.

Just sayin’.

June 12, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

A note to the amorphous mass of individuals and cocaine habits collectively known as Hollywood.

This guy, yeah this guy:

is 29 years old. Please stop casting him as a high school student. I know he’s a handsome fellow and youthful to boot1, but this is ridiculous.

He’s been playing a high school student for 10 years. The ten years since he GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. I get that actual high school students probably can’t pull off everything older actors can, but cut the guy a break. I’m only 27 and I barely remember what high school was like.2

Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, him too:

Just kidding Jonah, I still love you. Stay strong, I mean fat. Don’t give in like Rogen did.

  1. Hell, I wouldn’t gaykick him out of gaybed for eating gaycrackers. [↩]
  2. In my day we didn’t have any “sexting”. We had to write sexnotes by hand on this thing called paper and we had to pass them in class and hope the other students didn’t get suspicious about all these notes you kept passing to the teacher. I guess that’s still the same. [↩]
May 31, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Think Sleazier.

Dear Parole Board Members,

We are writing to you today to speak on behalf of one of your parolees, Vince Han. It is our conviction that he has been thoroughly reformed and has not only paid his debt to society but proven himself a valuable and contributing member of it. We submit the following as proof.

He’s hard at work stimulating the economy.

He remains a staunch political activist.

And a leader in his community. What may at first seem like a trivial accomplishment, winning the Southwest regional Mario Kart Championship, is in fact further evidence of the kind of man Vincent has become. What you first need to understand is the wonderful outreach programs Mr. Han is involved with, taking it upon himself to bring video games and other after-school activities to underprivileged children in his neighborhood. Not only giving them a safe place to go while keeping dangerous influences at bay, but like his mentor before him, even taking his kids out for a bite to eat.

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This year has seen a lot of growth and change in his personal life as well: from moving into a new apartment, getting a big promotion at work, not to mention performing admirably as his brother’s Best Man and of course, finally meeting that special someone of his own.

As to the crime itself, surely where the letter of the law clearly prohibits and explicitly states the immorality and cruelty of it, the spirit of the law has better things to do than concern itself with one (at least) indiscretion with a goat.1

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

  1. Sure, the zoo had a large sign reading “Don’t fuck the goats.”, but that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. [↩]
May 24, 2009 | Filed Under text | 4 Comments 

The student has become the master (of space explosions).

So, Star Trek was pretty good. Not as good as all the hype. There were certainly a few ways the film could have been better, but overall it was the best rebooting since Batman Begins.1

It fully captured the spirit of the franchise,

While adding some 21st century panache.

Of the over 700 episodes of various Star Trek shows that have aired, I would bet you ten kilos of dilithium crystals2 that I’ve seen over half of those and I had no problem with the plot. The story did exactly what it needed to do in order to get a few more movies out of the deal and there remains no doubt that J.J. Abrams can direct the fuck out a summer blockbuster. Not to mention cast a movie quite well. The two leads were surprisingly good.

And even though John Cho never once got to say “Romulans on the viewscreen, Captain.” and didn’t have much of a back story, he knew what he was doing.

But I did have a problem with another castmember. Baby Chekov was cute and all but when it comes to overblown J.J. Abrams3 space operas, I prefer my precocious Russian science heroes a bit more refined.

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I’m basically just overjoyed that a guy who used to be a lowly writer for Michael Bay spectacles, albeit the most spectacular, is now directing those very same spectacles and is clearly so much better, smarter and more nuanced than his former mentor.

Get ‘em, J.

  1. And until Darren Aronofsky remakes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Or RoboCop. What’s that? [↩]
  2. That shit gets you FUUUUCCKED UP. [↩]
  3. Whether as director or writer. [↩]
May 22, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like Yi?


(via Rob Huebel)

May 22, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Did I stutter? Knock ‘em out!

stanley hudson totally looks like punch outs doc louis
see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

May 21, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Undisclosed bunker offers little protection from nuclear zings.

If 3,000 Americans had been killed on your watch, in an attack that could have been prevented, perhaps you’d be a little hesitant to accuse anyone else of endangering America. And if you had advocated torture, and the torture produced false information that you used to mislead America into an unwise, unjust and unwarranted war, you might be a tad sheepish about defending the use of torture.

Not Dick Cheney.

– Paul Begala
May 21, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 

Merry New Christmas!

Folks, let me you tell you about a special guy. He’s got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood! His name’s Shawn and he’s dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.

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Sure he may not be the brightest guy or the most attractive or thoughtful or pleasant smelling, but he’s in very good company.


Jordan, Jesse, Go!


TwotwotwotwotwopurplepurplepurplepurpleNUT!

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Which is not to say that he’s without his quirks and fetishes, but look how far he’s come.

From this:

To this:

Yep, I’d say he’s one of my finest creations.

May 19, 2009 | Filed Under text | Leave a Comment 
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