Douchey By Association

Breaking News! Some idiot said some stupid thing on CNN. Americans are offended, amused or bored depending on their education level and socioeconomic status.

So, a sports journalist said something negative about the President, a grown man, that apparently hurt his feelings enough that he’s demanding an apology, while his press secretary wants her fired. Then, a news network had two other sports journalists on to discuss the topic. In theory.

Here is the exchange:

Baldwin asked “Why would you even say this live on national television and with a female host? Why would you even go there?”

The following is an attempt at an exhaustive list of such reasons:

I know nothing of this man’s personal life and in a world where all that separates me from that knowledge is less than thirty keystrokes, I can’t spare the calories. But, I am convinced that if he had been allowed to keep talking he would have added that his Canadian girlfriends boobs are his favorite boobs.

To be fair, if you fell into a coma just before your thirteenth birthday and awoke decades later on a live satellite feed with a woman you found attractive, you might be forgiven for falling back on what worked in Julie Becker’s basement after scoring a sixer of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But, as an adult, simply reminding women of their secondary sex characteristics is probably not going to get you all that far. I hope the women of earth won’t be too offended if I speak on their behalf to say that women aren’t likely to forget they have tits anytime soon. Wait, he’s never been in a coma? Wait, does he want to fuck the first amendment?1

Frankly, as a man, this is the most offensive thing about his “joke”. The obvious and only infinitesimally funnier thing to say would have been, “three things that have only never let me down in this entire country’s history…” That fruit hangs so low you could throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier. The host, Brooke Baldwin, in a unnecessarily gracious gesture, even gives him a nihilistic (and funnier!) out, “booze” is a far better joke. Not only is “boobs” one of the most childish and least funny ways to refer to breasts, but even the logic of the humor is tortured. Only red, white and blue boobs2 haven’t let him down? American exceptionalism is a dangerous and prevalent lie, but even the most diehard MAGA voter will admit to cranking it to malnourished slavic women and their heavy peasant breasts. Somebody even MARRIED ONE OF THEM. Maybe the only thing harder than actually knowing how funny you are is objectively knowing how intelligent you are.

This is still tangentially related to humor. What if him saying “boobs” was actually just an attempt to make some misguided point about the first amendment? Again, the better version of that joke or “statement” would have been “I believe in only two things completely, the First Amendment and shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.” The punchline is basically unchanged, George Carlin can’t sue you from the grave, CNN would scramble to bleep him and he could then rally against censorship to whoever is sad (no, not SAD!, just sad) enough to listen to him in the first place.

Except of course, the first amendment doesn’t read “CNN shall make no attempt to abridge the speech of whatever asshole happens to be on camera”. No, the first amendment protects individuals from the government, not cable news. The only way this argument might have some traction is if he was on Russia Today bad mouthing Donald’s newfound father figure. Sorry, “daddy figure”. He likes that, right?3

I’m not implying he invented sexism or is even aware of half of the vile, incoherent shit that manages to escape out of his mouth, let alone any other orifice, but we are left with one undeniable fact. Donald Trump, the man who for some inexplicable reason, people insist on calling President, was either very proud of getting away with committing sexual assault or lied about it to impress Billy Bush. I hope the monkeys of the world won’t be too offended if I reduce their imitative instincts (which one hairless ape has seemingly perfected) to a withered cliché, but monkey see, asshole do.

Believe me when I tell you that there are some generally unspoken rules for human conversation, the first of which is the implicit truth of whatever you’re saying. Common sense would suggest that constantly speaking this rule out loud or calling attention to it is meant to either justify an extraordinary claim or to jedi mind trick someone into buying your bullshit.

Another rule, without which conversations could not proceed, is the maxim of relevance. While casual conversations of course veer off into all sorts of tangents, typically, a response is directly prompted by what came before it.

“How do you intend to deal with the growing nuclear threat of North Korea?”
“I like turtles.”

Unless this is followed by a particularly trenchant metaphor or a hackneyed Aesop reference or an explicit wish that humans extinct themselves to make way for our carapaced cousins, this is not a satisfying exchange. It does not sequitur.

The presumption of relevance is reasonably more explicit when money is being spent to broadcast your opinions. Presumably, if you have your own radio show you can say whatever the hell you please, as long as your parent corporation gets its cut, but CNN is equally free to keep you from doing it on their dime. I’m not exactly a fan, but if you’re going to piss all over CNN, the least you could do is let the Russians tape it.

When pressed on his motives, Travis continues to violate this maxim by going on to explain “I say it live on the radio all the time because it’s true and that’s what I do.” Further proof he doesn’t understand how words work. The question wasn’t “Hey Clay, what’s some stuff you like?” Or “Could you please say something true that you say all the time?” The question was why is the President singling out this one black female reporter. And his response was “boobs”. Hmm, maybe it does sequitur a little after all.

This isn’t just disrespecting women or the host who asked him onto her show or the other panelist or the presumably adult audience watching, it’s disrespecting language.

In this post White Tuesday world, it’s common to claim that facts themselves are under attack. Again, while Donald did not invent discrediting facts you can’t grasp or that are against your interests, it is one thing he’s good at. But, it’s not just reason and truth that are being eroded, it’s communication itself.

There is a paradox at the heart of all communication, but especially the verbal variety. Words are both meaningless, in that they only ever asymptotically approach a meaning, and yet they have very real and tangible consequences and so mean a great deal.

If you threaten to murder someone, as long as someone else hears you, those words have consequences. That person might attempt to murder you first or flee the country or report you to the police. And, those consequences themselves might have further consequences that are even harder to predict or control. Say what you will about CNN’s ratings, you’re still not speaking into a void.4

If you convince a large portion of your population, that the planet they inhabit is, by design, eternally immune to any of the waste and poisons they generate, those words have consequences. Even if you’re dead long before you’d have to face them, nevertheless they persist.

If you imply that the United States’ third largest trading partner, who used to occupy roughly 14% of the country, and now shares the entire southern border, purposely exports their criminals, drugs, and rapists or that the first half white President of the United States (who, if memory serves, never asked for an apology) committed a decades long fraud, regarding not only his citizenship but his academic record, those words have consequences. They just happened to be on the opposite side of common sense.

Because, as much as he pays lip service to boobs, making women uncomfortable is actually his favorite thing about them. See “insecurity“, “imitation“. Coincidentally, this is also another unspoken maxim of human conversation, so apparently, no one ever took the time to teach Clay how to be human.

These are simple, human impulses, but, current occupants of the White House notwithstanding, we don’t have to reward them. Even if it’s good for your ratings, you don’t have to give airtime to these people. To her credit, Baldwin has said he won’t ever be asked back. That’s at least one troll who will have to look somewhere else for nourishment. Unfortunately, the same probably can’t be said for their king.

This is a cheap, but sadly, largely effective argumentative tactic. But only if we keep falling for it. Only if we don’t see it for what it is. Only if we refuse to impose any consequences.

So, to recap, an insecure white man was inept, immature, overconfident in his abilities and malicious when speaking to a woman, in the hopes of distracting her and anyone else listening from his numerous glaring shortcomings. But enough about the 2016 presidential debates.

Let’s move on to the 2016 Republican primaries and another idiot threatening to ruin something else I love.

There is no conceivable universe where I feel comfortable shaming someone for masturbating, whether it’s to pornography or the memory of those 47 seconds when anyone in their right mind thought they could be president.

As long as the porn is legal and consensual, who am I to judge? I mean, besides a devoted fan of porn.

As solicitor general, Ted Cruz infamously defended a Texas law seeking to ban the sale or advertisement of sex toys, arguing that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

He now correctly refers to this law as stupid and is also obviously correct in saying that “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.” Maybe he should tell that to his political party. Also, just because that’s where you look at it, the internet isn’t actually in your bedroom.

I wholeheartedly agree that lawyers should not be held accountable for doing their jobs and representing or defending people or laws that they find reprehensible or idiotic. Maybe he should tell that to his political party.

But that means, the best argument that he could come up with was basically, every time you jack off, Uncle Sam cries. I think we found out why he’s so persecuted.

By far, his most outrageous and Orwellian deflection, however, is that “the media and the left seem obsessed with sex.”

A quick parable:

Two men, let’s call them Hidari and Migi live in small, lush village in the heart of a tropical rainforest.

One day, Migi goes to a meeting of the elders and pronounces that no one can drink any water while the sun is still in the sky. The villagers are confused, but for some arcane reason, Migi has a lot of clout in the village, so this new law is imposed.

Later, he proclaims that water must only be drunk out of a specific style of metal goblet that, by pure coincidence, is only made by his eldest son. Eventually, another rule is enacted that states no villager may drink water in the presence of more than two other villagers.

Hidari finds these rules arbitrary and nonsensical, but bites his tongue so as to not offend the many that seem to now respect them. Until, on his way to a neighboring village, he spies Migi pounding water out of a beer helmet. In broad daylight. In the middle of an orgy.

Fed up, Hidari confronts Migi with the entire village as witness.

“See here, Migi drinks water whenever and however it pleases him, as it used to be, and yet denies us the right to do the same.”

To which Migi replies, “God! Why are you so obsessed with water?!?”


Do you think that’s an insult? Do you think if we weren’t, there would be 7.5 billion people alive to mock you for hypocritically and publicly watching porn on nine got damn eleven.

I’m loathe to use a “nickname” (by the way, just a reminder that adding an adjective in front of someone’s given name is in no way a nickname) coined by Dickhead Donald, but this is just Lyin’ Ted up to his old tricks.

Because, to be clear, this wasn’t just a politician getting caught white handed, this was a politician promoting pornography to his followers. I would love nothing more than to see Ted Cruz become a champion for sex workers, to help combat the hypocrisy and social exile that they inevitably face. Americans buy and use a product, to the tune of almost $3 billion a year and then proceed to shame and ridicule the very people that provide them said product. Which is somehow less shameful than fucking on camera for money.

Still, I hope we can agree, there is an appropriate time and place to shout from the rooftops what kind of porn you love.

Loud and proud!

But, no, adult film actors will have to look elsewhere for an advocate, since, according to Cruz, someone “on his staff” “hit the wrong button”.

The only reason I might believe him is that Ted seems to be a furry.5

This is already being spun into snowflakes or delicate geniuses having their fragile sensibilities offended and some other nonsense about trigger warnings.

No one is saying you can’t like tits. Just that the middle of a discussion about the first amendment is maybe a weird time to not shut up about it?

No one is saying you can’t beat your dick to a threesome featuring an actress some have claimed bears a striking resemblance to your wife. Well, maybe, that guy who thinks your dad killed Kennedy and publicly called your wife ugly, but the rest of us don’t care.6 But, if you’re a Senator whose political party is constantly trying to legislate sexuality, just try not to brag about it in front of everybody on 9/11. Unless, you’re trying to make us forget?

I’m not offended a man said “boobs” on television. I’m not surprised to hear Republicans spill their seed just like the rest of us. It’s the CONTEXT that’s the problem.

Now, see, because I’m an adult, and this is a personal forum for me to express my thoughts that anyone is free to read as they see fit, I have no problem admitting or proclaiming that there was porn on in the background as I wrote this.

I don’t say this to offend or make money off anyone, but because it’s true. And because I have two monitors, am easily distracted, and can mute porn while listening to music without missing too much. You might also be shocked to hear that (human) breasts are among my favorite things in the world.

Also, at times, I am, if not proud of this fact, at least able to revere and revel in my mammalian nature. A credit to my biological class. But, I don’t go around blurting it to everyone I’m introduced to. I have the good sense to wait until I’m asked or at least, until it comes up organically.7

So, while these two wankers make me ashamed to be a man and most people make me ashamed to be human, I refuse to let them drag language or porn or tits through the mud. Unless they film it, I guess.

The last conversational maxim is the maxim of quantity. That is, you should provide just enough information to convey your meaning, but no more and no less. In case you couldn’t tell, this is one I struggle with. The internet, when it’s not shoving tits in your face, even has a useful shorthand for one of these errors.


You can like breasts and porn all you want, just don’t be a dick about it.

  1. National Pleasure 3 cumming to a theater near you! []
  2. Bloobs! []
  3. Sweet Christmas! Sarah Palin was right all along! Say what you will about that illiterate moose jockey, but at least she knew to fear Putin, she just can’t tell airspace from cyberspace! And thought that the people that would vote for her didn’t already think Alaska was part of Russia or Canada or the Upside Down. []
  4. I can think of at least one angry, senile old man who can’t seem to stop watching. []
  5. At least, I hope he’s a furry. Otherwise, those poor rats. []
  6. I think we might have found the “staffer” Cruz is covering for! []
  7. Anytime now… []

He who controls the meth…

How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe

“My thoughts, normally bunched together, wrapped in gauze, insistent, urgent, impatient, one moment to the next, living in what I now realize is, in essence, a constant state of emergency (as if my evolutionary instincts of fight or flight have gone haywire, leading me to spend each morning, noon, and evening in a low-grade but absolutely never-ceasing muted form of panic), those rushed and ragged thoughts are now falling away, one by one, revealing themselves for what they are: the same thought over and over again. And once revealed for what they are, these hollow thoughts, these impostors, non-thoughts masquerading as thoughts, memes, viruses, signals fired off, white noise generated by my brain, they are gone.”
– How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe

Is this a quiz?

More importantly, what happens if I get it wrong?

Make good decisions. Watch this.

Billy On The Street – watch more funny videos

Forgot to post this last week. Why am I such a sucker for man on the street shenanigans?

What if they gave a war and nobody paid?

Clearly, the best reason to go to war is for the praise.

We’ve put a lot of deposit into this situation with Iraq. And to think that we are so disrespected and they have so little fear of the United States that there would be nothing that we would gain from this … We are there as the nation that liberated these people. And that’s the thanks that the United States is getting after 4,400 lives were expended and over $800 billion? And so on the way out, we’re being kicked out of the country? I think this is absolutely outrageous. – Michelle Bachmann

Those ungrateful A-rabs.1 After we had the grace and generosity to share our principles with them. Of course, the United States has a long standing tradition of sharing by force. What’s that? How many Iraqi lives were expended? I don’t see what that has to do with anything. Speak up, I can’t quite hear. Who can remember why we went to war in the first place? It was so long ago.

Will Saletan called this sort of rhetoric imperial. He’s not wrong, but I think he’s giving it too much credit.

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What else would you call taking it upon yourself to “fix” someone else’s problem and then expecting, not only to profit from it, but to be thanked for your troubles. Or am I giving her too much credit by drawing any sort of comparison to Monty Python? No, I take it back, the Pythons saw her coming years ago.

BEDEVERE: Tell me … what do you do with witches?

ALL: Burn them!

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn, apart from witches?


BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER: … Because they’re made of wood…?


ALL: I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE: So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER: Make a bridge out of her!

  1. Who needs ‘em? The blacks and jews, too. []

Great Halloween costume or the greatest Halloween costume?

Ding ding! The answer is yes.

The Falling Dead

So, The Walking Dead is definitely improving1 but it still hasn’t gotten back to its original awesomeness. Until it does I think I’ll just watch this over and over.

You know, when the zombpocalypse begins, after my initial berserker rampage where I come close to losing my humanity in order to survive, I’m going to choose to focus on the positive. Imagine all the tail!2 Not only would the bloated moral fabric of society fall away like so much rot, but think about what zombies are actually doing. A bite is just the only way they have left to reproduce, so that horde over there isn’t trying to kill you silly, they’re just trying to gangbang you.3

End times are sexy times.

  1. Sorry, Shawshank. []
  2. The slow moving dismembered tail. []
  3. “Brains. Brains. I want to fuck your brains out.” []

Just a quick reminder


This shouldn’t bother me, and yet..

The Penis Mightier

So, some people want to make circumcision illegal. They call themselves “intactivists.” The argument goes: girls are protected from genital mutilation in this country, why not boys? Now, circumcision is not a clitoridectomy, but it’s not a fucking haircut either.

It’s more like a clitoridotomy or hoodectomy. You’re not eliminating the capacity for pleasure but you are affecting it. You’re cutting away living tissue, healthy living tissue which usually serves a function. The foreskin is a marvel of engineering. I’ve grown quite attached to mine over the years. Much like the eyelid, it evolved to protect moist, sensitive tissue. Anyone think walking around without eyelids sounds like fun?

I’m not for one second saying that we don’t have superfluous body parts. Appendices are just one example of evolutionary dead weight. I’m just saying if you want to cut off a piece of my dick you better have a good case.

“In the past, we’ve said newborn circumcision has benefits and risks,” Dr. Douglas Diekema, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington, told CNN last year. “Given the fact that neither the risks nor benefits are particularly compelling, this is a decision to be made by parents.”


Excepting all but the most extreme cases, parents shouldn’t get to make decisions about their kids sex organs. Especially before they even get a chance to use them.1

See, circumcision used to be a matter of hygiene. And you’ll forgive me, but I get uncomfortable when people say that sexual organs are “dirty”, whatever the rationale. Whether you’re doing it because it’s immoral for women to feel lust or from a fear of disease, it springs from the same impulse. There is something wrong with genitals the way they are and you need to fix them. When YHWH made us in his image did he suddenly start riffing?

Also, how is that not the most insulting thing you could ever say to a man? We don’t trust you to keep your dick clean so we’re going to whack a piece of it off to make it easier for you.


Naysayers will point out that statistically, pricking infants ears is more dangerous than snipping their pricks and that to ban one without banning the other would be hypocritical. In one sense, the comparison to ear piercing is valid, skin is resilient, it will grow back. And of course, ear piercing is just as insane and arbitrary a custom as circumcision. There is no pressing reason for humans to cut holes in themselves in order to insert shiny baubbles. It is an accident of culture and circumstance that we find some forms of body modification to be normal and others to be crazy.

But, unless you have really sensitive earlobes, the similarities stop there. To keep your ears pierced actually requires your active consent. To grow back your foreskin requires years of dedication and various contraptions.

The root of the problem, however, is the proposed legislation seems an awful lot like it would impinge on the freedom of religion that we occassionally remember this country was founded on. This particular naysayer takes it one step further.

As I see it, the proponents of a circumcision ban challenge more than basic religious freedoms; they contest the relationship between parents and children.


We don’t let parents do whatever they want to their children. If the state has a reason to suspect you are endangering your child they will investigate and if need be, forcibly remove them from you. That is part of the price for living in the state. Children are not property.

They’re not full fledged human beings either. We restrict children’s rights constantly, both for their own protection and because we recognize the limitations of their brains.2 They are prohibited access to certain substances, their education is compulsory according to guidelines set by the state, and, quite sensibly it would seem, they are not allowed to participate in any matters of importance. Except one. We’re not allowed to vote until we’re 21 but we can enter into an eternal convenant with god after 8 days? Is choosing a president that much harder than choosing a deity? OK, maybe recently.

That the state has any say in matters of custody at all deeply offends the anarchist in me. The thought that their powers might extend to what can and cannot be done with a penis understandably leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And yet what’s the alternative? Children may not be property. But the government ain’t your mama. The issue is a complicated one.

Matters were only made worse by a comic strip featuring a very nordic Forsekin man battling a sinister looking Monster Mohel. This is clearly anti-semitic and seeing as I always assume the worst of people, I don’t think for one second that anti-semtism isn’t playing a part in this. But just because you’re a racist, doesn’t mean you can’t have good ideas.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to be a member of a group that has survived centuries of persecution. As a devout atheist, I’d have no idea what that’s like.

“No, I don’t know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”

- George Herbert Walker Bush

And I’m not going to condescend to millions of people3, by saying they’re overreacting, but I am going to respectfully ask that you consider how the practice looks to outsiders.

A week after your males are born, their fathers or their preapproved proxies hold them down and cut off a piece of their flesh, sucking out some of the blood in the process, all because of a deal some dude made 4,000 years ago with a wrathful sky god who promised you great things were just around the corner.

Um, not for nothing, but I think you guys got the short end of that stick. If you’re going to commit a ritual sacrifice at least have the balls to call it that.4 No offense guys, I don’t want any trouble. I know all about krav maga.

Where does that leave us? Right back where we started.

Is the practice cruel and barbaric? Yes, but no more so than parents all over the world forcing their religions on their unsuspecting children. So, until some brave government outlaws that, I think we find ourselves in détente. May I suggest a compromise in the spirit of peace? Why not wait a little? Make them earn all that Bar Mitzvah money.

Speaking of Jewish weiners…

Hold the phone, a politician’s dick got him into trouble? Inconcievable!

I get it Anthony, believe me I do.

I can still remember the feeling of wonder at discovering what my penis could do. The sense of pride mixed with confusion and a looming sense of anxiety foreshadowing many things yet to come. Granted, I was six at the time, so cut me a little slack.

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What strikes me is that, clearly, he wasn’t wrong. The only person more in love with Anthony Weiner’s penis than Anthony Weiner is every single news anchor in America.5 Which brings me to a particular pet peeve of mine.

I’m personally much more offended by “respected” news organizations calling this “scandal” Weinergate than by anything the weiner in question actually did. Why have we allowed journalists to get away with this for so long? Just tacking -gate on the end of something doesn’t add any meaningful information. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it was a HOTEL. I know language evolves and no usage is ever entirely wrong, but this is just so lazy! I don’t care what Merriam or Webster say, a gate is a door or passageway.6 But it’s not just politicians dicks we can’t get enough of. No, it runs much deeper than that.

It should come as no surprise that when it comes to penises, men are actually the ones who can’t let go. Part of it is hard wired. This is a heat map generated by tracking where people hold their gaze when looking at images of humans.

Why would this be the case?7

Sperm whales have enormourous brains, but relative to their body mass they’re actually tiny. If you were to plot out ratios of brain mass to body mass for primates, a line emerges. Humans are a clear outlier. You know what else humans have a lot more of relative to other primates? Besides tits.

You guessed it! But the question remains, did our dicks get bigger to keep up with the sexual demands of smarter and smarter women or did our brains get bigger so we could think about our dicks all day long? You know what they say, give a man a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.

So you can see, the lovely Kristen Schaal notwithstanding, how it would be hard to accept everyone else isn’t as fascinated as we are.

That’s still no excuse for sticking it in anything that moves, Congressman. Wait, he didn’t actually fuck anybody? What the hell is all this commotion over?

What is he actually guilty of? Not being the master of his domain? Taking perverted pictures? It’s never wrong to take a picture of your own genitals.8 For that matter, it’s never wrong to take a picture of someone else’s genitals, assuming you have their consent. But it’s never fun to have genitals (or their pictures) forced upon you.

Hey, I can relate. I’m pretty sure a guy once told me to look at his dick while he was taking a piss in a Chiptole bathroom.9

Is it a crime to be monstrously horny and not very good at sexting? What ever happened to good old fashioned phone sex by the way?

And if you have your heart set on sexting10 there are less dangerous ways to go about it.

OK, he lied. About things that are none of anyone’s damn business. No, the only convincing argument I can see is that any public official with the last name Weiner that plays fast and loose with his dick pics is too stupid to hold office. Somehow, I don’t think that’s why people were calling on him to resign.

I, for two, do hope he runs for reelection. I even have a campaign slogan all set up.

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  1. Masturbating in the womb doesn’t count. []
  2. If only we could recognize ours as easily. []
  3. You know what’s cool? Condescending to billions of people. []
  4. Unless they were included in the fine print. []
  5. At least this finally proves Jews don’t control the media. []
  6. Like a urethra. []
  7. Dick devils! []
  8. Just maybe don’t do it at a press conference. []
  9. There may or may not have been perception altering substances coursing through my veins, but I stand by my version of events. []
  10. Remember when it was just called cybering? I miss you 90’s. []

If only mine were silent.

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Exactly how I feel when anything I own is out of place.