Stop talking. You’re ruining it.

Stop talking. You're ruining it.

Can someone please inform this man, that to the extent that anyone ever cared what he had to say (about things he clearly did not understand,) this is no longer the case.

Even when he has a point, no one can hear it over the din of eight years of misery and bad decisions. This is a man, that on the rare occasions when he employs logic and reason simply weakens the two by association.

We are clearly in a run-the-clock-out situation. Take a knee, stop embarrassing your team and just think of all the brush you’ll be able to clear with all your newfound free time.

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

(via BoingBoing)

Despite its alarming proximity to Russia, news of the end of the cold war has yet to reach Alaska.

This should come as no surprise, given the vast and mysterious1 landmass separating Alaska from the contiguous United States. The terrain is unforgiving and even with the swiftest steed and the fairest of weather there are still those goddamn bats to contend with. Information regarding this desolate wasteland is spotty at best, as few who enter return to tell the tale.

Which is why it seems odd to me that while much is being made of the foreign policy experience Sarah Palin gained from coordinating “trade missions” with Russia, little attention is being paid to her efforts in creating an international peacekeeping force, comprised of the Alaskan National Guard, a mixed regiment of both Wendigos and Yeti, and an assortment of Norse gods,2 in a final desperate attempt, a surge if you like, to fight off the ever present Inuit horde.

Further credit must be given to then-Mayor Palin for negotiating a successful treaty3 with the Shaman King of the neighboring Yu’kon tribe. No longer do they creep in at night and steal all the first born males4 from her town of Wasilla.5

Sarah Palin is right to question the motives of the Russian Federation when it comes to Alaska; after all, we did buy it from them less than 150 years ago.6 And can you blame her for being more than a little wary of an gaunt, imperial leader from a country known for its immortal wizards?7

After all, when Putin, safe in his Mordor Moscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see?8

  1. Here Be Dragons I’d Like to Fucke. []
  2. Little known fact: the Bridge to Nowhere was really Bridge to Asgard. []
  3. The Concordat of Tears. []
  4. No wonder no one ever worried about sex education. []
  5. The terms now stipulate that they are limited to one (1) daughter (chosen by a joint committee of local community leaders/witch doctors with parents retaining the right to further choose if they possess more than one (1) daughter of appropriate age) per square mile, every six (6) years, to be taken only after reaching menarche. That ought to keep your knees closed, girls. []
  6. No takesies backsies, comrade. []
  7. It took, what, five attempts to finally kill RasPutin? []
  8. Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower. []

Comfortable & Furious

A thoughtful and studied commentary on the current American economic landscape by Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

This is the new Norm MacDonald at Bob Saget’s Comedy Central Roast. America is divided over whether to find this funny or not1.

Look at where the status quo and politics as usual have gotten us: AIG, Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, some other things I don’t understand, I’m sure. Is it not time for a change? Hmm? Spencer?

Let the healing begin.

(via dooce)

  1. America is only like 35 dudes on the internet, right? []

How good is your “approximate number sense?”

How good is your “approximate number sense?”

Test your intuitive math skills.

I can easily imagine a situation where the fate of your balls rests on you knowing, after a brief glimpse, whether there are more marbles of one variety than marbles of a second variety, can’t you?

At one point, I was convinced that I blew it1, and as a result was going to have most of my human rights revoked2, but I ended up doing a little bit better than average3.

In any case, this is fun, in the squirming, nervous way anything testing supposed basic cognitive skills can be said to be fun. So really, the most fun you’re likely to have today. Enjoy!

1 Which should really mean you did something in the most awesome way possible.

2 Of the six that are left.

3 Of course that might just be luck, but why don’t you shut up instead.

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

The Greater Evil.

It’s about damn time


Charles Darwin: 200 years from your birth, the Church of England owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still. We try to practise the old virtues of ‘faith seeking understanding’ and hope that makes some amends.”

Rev. Dr Malcolm Brown

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

This was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it involved witchcraft and turning people into rats. And yet, it was still a more believable story than this.

Which brings to light an emerging pattern. Besides the absurdity of the current political season, there is at least one other thing that I can’t seem to stop thinking about: adults masquerading as children, a phenomenon which actually makes some sense.

V.P. of Zings


Charlie Gibson has now interviewed Sarah Palin more thoroughly than John McCain ever did.”

— Paul Begala

The Next President of the United States

The Next President of the United States

1,461 Days of Night.

(via warren ellis)

T+7years

T+7years


One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we’ll need a new definition.”

Alvin Toffler

The Best Rap Battle

Is it OK to laugh at this? All signs point to yes.

If Hollywood had any balls, this is what 8 Mile would have been. Just straight up elocution and wit.

Also, I could get into a whole thing about how if you just stand back and deconstruct almost any insult they either make no sense or boil down to “you are unloveable,” but that would take too long and not be nearly as funny as just watching this one more time.

What did large hadrons ever do to you?

What did large hadrons ever do to you?

If you woke up to read this, and are not currently being ripped apart by the tidal forces of a black hole, congratulations Earth! We made it!

Looks like we have until November 4th when the crushing weight of America’s small town values combined with the energy released from the detonation of our nuclear arsenal will collapse the Earth past its Schwarzschild radius and send us to a reality where things actually make sense.

Until then, leave large hadrons alone!

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