We’re framing O.J.!

Like clockwork, every few years Orenthal James Simpson lowers the bar of common decency to previously unimagined depths. Just as water tends to flow downhill, so apparently, does Juice. In case you haven’t heard the news, O.J. Simpson has been found guilty of, among other felonies, kidnapping, assault and robbery, after stealing sports memorabilia he claimed belonged to him in the first place.

I only see three (ok, four) options as to what motivates this peculiar man:

  1. He is massively stupid.
  2. He feels unspeakable guilt for murdering the mother of two of his four children and yearns for incarceration like a moth seeks a flame1.
  3. He feels he’s literally invulnerable. Getting away with something you never thought you could get away with can easily go to your head2.
  4. His brother is in prison and he’s going to break him out at all costs

Don’t count out Nordberg just yet though; I fully expect to be apprised of his Supermax shenanigans in 2013. To steal a joke from Chris Rock, a word of advice to his prison wife: please don’t cheat on him.

  1. A lifelong, rapey flame. []
  2. Just ask…wait for it… George W. Bush. []

Last panel is pretty much my life from grades 7-9

Last panel is pretty much my life from grades 7-9

(especially the alt text1)

1 That means hover your mouse over the picture for the aforementioned Amish folks.

Help is on the way.

Help is on the way

It has recently come to my attention that, despite the seeming contradiction, the visitors to this site are mostly luddites and more surprisingly, luddites with something to say1. Their voice will not be denied.

So in order to accommodate the less technologically inclined2 this modest website is now, after much tinkering and blind fumbling and groping, a bit more user friendly. Comments should be easier to leave and the content is hopefully easier to read.

What’s that? “Thank you”? Don’t mention it, just doing my job3.

Also, don’t forget, your praise is always welcome, but your scorn is downright encouraged.

  1. If you can read this, you’re not Amish. []
  2. Who knew the information super highway is now mainly traveled by horse and buggy. I swear I feel like I’m repeating a joke from 2+ years ago, but again, this is free so that sound you hear is me not caring. []
  3. My thankless, unpaid job. []

Which One?

Which One?

Which one?

Rape Jokes: A How-to Guide

No:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Yes:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Dear Suckers,

ATTN: To the three (and a half1) people who visit this site on at least a semi-regular basis: you no longer have to wait to tell me how brilliant/ignorant/beauteous I am to my face; comments are now enabled.

This ain’t easy folks2 but I do it for you3 and don’t forget, these pearls of wisdom come free of charge4; so settle in, tell your friend(s), and leave me a racist, threatening note.

If not now, when?

  1. You know who you are. []
  2. Sadly, this is not easy. []
  3. Well, not you exactly, but let’s not get bogged down in semantics here. []
  4. A policy which I may have to rethink given the rising cost of hot pockets. []

Well and fucking nigh.

Well and fucking nigh.

Guess what movie/sign of the eschaton opens in theaters tomorrow?

You see what you want to see.

You see what you want to see.

Humans, I would like to briefly address the notion that Sen. Obama was “rude” during the first U.S. presidential debate in Oxford, MS. The two main claims being that he was constantly interrupting Sen. McCain and that while he eventually referred to his opponent as “Senator McCain,” initially, he addressed him simply as “John1,” a sign of disrespect in general, but one that would seem even more improper, given the location of the debate in the South2.

I know there may be dire consequences, but to hell with them; I call shenanigans.

Could it be the despite the formality of the occassion and the somber tone of the last few weeks in the U.S., that Sen. Obama was trying to engage in the debate as a conversation between two men, peers and equals, who happen to be coworkers? Or do you always introduce Larry from Accounting as “Vice President of Financial Affairs3?” Could it be that after half an hour of constantly being told he doesn’t understand things he clearly does, Obama simply started to “get the hint” as it were?

As for cutting off Sen. McCain, it seemed that the majority of the interruptions were in direct response to John’s attacks against Barrack. Besides, how could McCain interrupt someone who wasn’t there?

I’m referring of course, to the fact that Sen. McCain refused to look at Sen. Obama. I don’t mean he couldn’t look him in the eye because of all the stunt politics he had pulled during the week prior, I mean he literally could not gaze upon him. It was as if he were afraid his face would melt off4 or he would crumble to dust before our very eyes5.

Seriously?

I will, however, reluctantly admit there is something to be admired about the Judo like manipulation and savagery of the Republican party. Not only did they have the balls to throw up the least relevant Republican figure head, “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Guiliani6 in the place of “America’s MILF,” Gov. Palin, but one of his main talking points involved ridiculing Barack Obama for agreeing as much as he did with John McCain.

Yeah! Who does that son of a bitch think he is? Treating us with civility and not trying to blindly demonize us7. That’s not how we do things in Amuhrica!

They are trying (and probably succeeding to some extent) to spin one of Obama’s strengths, his diplomacy, his (engineered or not) compassion, into something worthy of ridicule.

The bottom line is that given McCain’s behavior, he acted with a surprising level of grace and humility, or if you’re not willing to go that far, he at least regarded his opponent as a human being. Don’t think for one second that I’m one of those people who think he is the Lord risen8, but if he gets shit on for basically being nice to a confused old man, who as far as I can tell we are not at war with, then something is wrong with us, not him.

Which brings us to tonight’s Vice Presidential debate. What’s the word for anticipating something greatly, while at the same time being terrified that words will be uttered that are so embarrassing, so inappropriate and pathetic, that everyone who hears them will instantly become dumber and less human as a result, basically casting a spell on the audience? You know, like when you watch The Office. Take that and multiply it by seven hundred billion and that’s pretty much how I feel about tonight. Will Joe Biden come off as an off-putting douche? Will Michael Scott Sarah Palin shore up our economy and defeat the evil wizard that threatens the land? Stay tuned true believer!

One thing I do know, and this is not meant to even remotely imply that McCain is racist9 but the fact remains that if Joe Biden treats Sarah Palin with the level of raw, dripping contempt that McCain showed Obama he would not get out of St. Louis (with his penis) alive.

Papa Spank

I for one, can’t wait for tonight’s episode of Old, Black, White or Tits10.

  1. Would Massuh be an acceptable compromise? []
  2. TO: The South RE: The Thirteenth Amendment. Also, why do you let the media get away with calling you and everyone within a few hundred miles of you a racist. []
  3. Or at least when not trolling for ill-advised pussy come last call. []
  4. Obama’s flag pin was forged from the Ark of the Covenant. []
  5. Although, to be fair, there was a good chance that would have happened anyway. []
  6. Remember when you and Hillary Clinton were the front runners? Good times. []
  7. You know who acts like that? Demons. []
  8. Jesus was neither a gentlemen nor a scholar. []
  9. At least no more than the average cantankerous septuagenarian. []
  10. I can’t believe Jim proposed last week! []
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