I have lost my mind. Is that it in your pocket?

The other day I downloaded legally acquired through undisclosed means an episode of Boston Legal. I read that John Larroquette was guest starring and I mistakenly assumed he would be reprising his Emmy winning role from what is quite possibly the best episode of television of the past decade on The Practice, of which Boston Legal is a spin-off.

After setting aside some time and gathering the requisite accoutrements,1 I pushed play.

I was expecting this:

But received this:

I’ll be the first to admit that I would drink a goat testicle smoothie every morning if It meant I would look as good as Tim Daly when I’m 52, but that’s still not enough incentive to sit through an episode of General Hospital Grey’s Anatomy General Hospital: Night Shift Doctors Without Morals.

This is roughly what went on in my television-addled brain:

Boston Legal >> Boston Public >> Private Practice

Logic.

Now, I’m not quite that mentally deficient, as a law firm can be, and is routinely, referred to as a “practice”, evidenced ably by Boston Legal’s aforementioned predecessor The Practice, also, every show in question airs or has aired on ABC. But this is still mostly ridiculous. The worst part is it still took me a good twelve seconds to suss out what had happened.

Again, had my mind all set for:

Was greeted by:

You can imagine my disappointment. Still jacked off to it though.2

  1. A sandwich and some razor blades. [↩]
  2. If life gives you lemons, cut a hole and get to work. [↩]
December 8, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

High and Moist

What the eff, porn industry? When did you go and get yourselves some good taste? Who said you could do that?

Watch this (volume is a bit low):

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Now, listen to the first few seconds of this:

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Then, insert obvious joke about something smelling fishy.

Excuse me, Mike Adriano, director of My Fantasy Girls P.O.V. #2, did you honestly think we wouldn’t notice this bald attempt at thievery? Did you think you could pull a fast one1 over on the American public?

Who knew the real threat from pornography was not on our morals but on our copyrights. Truly, it is an affront, up with which we dare no longer put!

Oh, did I forget to mention my new job as a watchdog for the RIAA?2 I do it for you guys. To keep your intellectual property safe. And properly lubricated.

  1. Cleveland Steamer [↩]
  2. Vice President In Charge of Watching Adult Materials With The Sound On. [↩]
December 7, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

Humanity so raw you might catch Salmonella

This is some intensity right here.

Listen to a baby being born, a five-year-old save his mothers life, a woman nearly engulfed in flames and more mind-bottling 9991 recordings.

  1. The British spelling of 911. [↩]
December 6, 2008 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

Dog Head Check

I don’t own a dog. Unless you count this:

But I’d hardly call that a dog. More like a confused goat.

If I did own a dog, however, I imagine this is pretty much how every night would turn out.

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December 5, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

Sing it, every actor from everything I like!

You’ve all already seen this, but it’s still worth watching again.

(via the internet)

December 3, 2008 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

We have officially entered the End Of Times

Exhibit A: (keep your eyes on the woman on the right)

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I’m no physicist, for those of you who were wondering (all of you) but I think this might violate Newton’s third law of motion.

If pasty, blond white girls can move like this then what’s next?

Asians start driving well? The Five Jew Bankers relinquish their hold on the world? Cats start treating their owners with respect? A black man is elected president? Surely, that way madness lies.


(via explodingdog)

They do now!

If loving this woman is wrong (or racist) then I don’t want to be right (or not racist).

December 3, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

Frijoles don’t burn in the grill!

Humans, we are living in some crazy times. Terrorists are attacking India, we are officially in a recession, Obama and Hillary have made up, but I know there’s one thing on everyone’s minds.

What’s with all the love for El Pulgarcito lately?

Looks like someone been loaning their atlas all around Hollywood (or Burbank)! Do people still use those? Are atlases still a thing? Looks like someone’s been emailing a wikipedia link around!

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Movin’ on up!

December 2, 2008 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

Mystery would be proud

The most effective pick up line (as of yesterday): “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

The most effective pick up line now and forever more: "Do my tits smell like chloroform to you?"

December 1, 2008 | About: • • • • | Leave a Comment 
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