The Worst Show You’re Not Watching.

I watch a lot of tv. It’s basically my job. Like a lot of tv. So much in fact, that there are some shows I watch, not in spite of their awfulness, but because of it. But even I have my limits.

So, imagine my surprise when the other day, bored and twiddling my thumbs1, while a television show, whose purpose it is to entertain, finished downloading, I accidentally caught a few seconds of One Tree Hill.

Now, I’m not usually buying what religion is selling, but truly, this was a gift from Baal.

I tried half-heartedly to watch this show when it first aired, hoping it would fill the void left by Dawson’s Creek, but I forgot to take into account that descended testicles could get in the way enjoying teen dramas. Plus, the show veered pretty quickly into over the top soap territory and not in a self-aware way like The O.C., so I stopped watching about the time the token Sexican family moved in and that fat kid shot up the school.

But now I see the error of my ways. That was all just laying down the groundwork to get to here.2 And as to whether the show is aware of it’s own madness. Are any of us? Also, who gives a fuck?

First off, I think it prudent to prepare you, in as much as such a thing is possible. I wish I could take credit for the way this is edited, but all I did was cut down one scene or else this clip would’ve been 7 minutes long. I repeat, it was really edited this way. This was a sequence on a prime time one hour drama, broadcast on a national ≈network. Say goodbye to the person you are right now. In four minutes, they will be dead.

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O M FUCK

So much just happened. Can we review what just happened? Is this real life?

A gratuitous, cheesy music video intercut with Dawson fucking Leary as a lecherous director, a cartoonish Super Villain3 finally being felled by the mighty Golden Retriever, and a sassy black nurse. Oh, and The Sims.

Perfect.

These are some words I never thought I would put in this order: James Van der Beek, you’re better than this. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.4

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Just to make me feel even better in my nougaty brain stem, I’m going to assume that there was some sort of Nokia™ sponsored Sunkist™ challenge to see who could chug more Sunkist™ than Pete Wentz, brought to you by Carl’s Jr.™ and the prize was a walk-on role on One Tree Hill. The role? Do you need to ask?

Look closer though, and I think you’ll see this is just brilliant subliminal advertising. This is in fact, the most powerful anti-marijuna campaign ever! In comparison, it becomes apparent all that Above the Influence shit was concieved and executed by ten-year-olds with learning disabilities (while high).

More visceral and compelling than even the most ambitiuous and epic anti-marijuana message, one which took five years to finally and fully pay off.


Um, guys, it’s called foreshadowing.

White House Office of Public Liaison Associate Director my ass, the writing was on the wall. We know why Dr. Kutner tripped gentle into that good night.

Far more direct in pointing out the risks of recreational marijuana use than the previous gold standard in that department.

The message is pretty clear kids: if you smoke marijuana, you will DEVOUR a HUMAN HEART.

Also, this is a fairly compelling argument against dogs.


The eyes of a killer.

Just so you don’t think this was some sort of wonderful fluke, this is how the episode ended. Again, furreals.

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No! Don’t turn off the computer! We’ll all blink out of existence! Dooooooonnnnn….

I think I’m starting to understand all the complexities of this fascinating, multi-layered high school soap opera. This is some St. Elsewhere shit right here. One Tree Hill is just the fever dream of a little boy who one day grows up to be the Lawnmower Man, and eventually finds his way onto a mysterious island.5

Wait, no. I think I finally get it for real. It’s basically like a crazy dark, nihilistic parody of Dawson’s Creek. It takes all the premises and stereotypes cranked up to eleven and played out to their absurd, logical extremes. A highly subversive, unimaginably meta, Borgesian mindfuck, never once winking at the audience or tipping it’s hand in seven years on the air. If you don’t want to be anything other than the Abyss long enough, the Abyss doesn’t want to be anything other than what you’ve been trying to be lately.

Just kidding. This was really all just a commercial for Scotch® Tape. Think about it.


You know what to do.

  1. All three of them. []
  2. I.e., the promised land. []
  3. “That nigga Dan be crazy.” Overheard on bus by friend. []
  4. Pre-gouging. Not because this is terrible, but because nothing else will ever live up to it. []
  5. But Fall Out Boy is still real, right? []

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