Think Sleazier.

Dear Parole Board Members,

We are writing to you today to speak on behalf of one of your parolees, Vince Han. It is our conviction that he has been thoroughly reformed and has not only paid his debt to society but proven himself a valuable and contributing member of it. We submit the following as proof.

He’s hard at work stimulating the economy.

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He remains a staunch political activist.

And a leader in his community. What may at first seem like a trivial accomplishment, winning the Southwest regional Mario Kart Championship, is in fact further evidence of the kind of man Vincent has become. What you first need to understand is the wonderful outreach programs Mr. Han is involved with, taking it upon himself to bring video games and other after-school activities to underprivileged children in his neighborhood. Not only giving them a safe place to go while keeping dangerous influences at bay, but like his mentor before him, even taking his kids out for a bite to eat.

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This year has seen a lot of growth and change in his personal life as well: from moving into a new apartment, getting a big promotion at work, not to mention performing admirably as his brother’s Best Man and of course, finally meeting that special someone of his own.

As to the crime itself, surely where the letter of the law clearly prohibits and explicitly states the immorality and cruelty of it, the spirit of the law has better things to do than concern itself with one (at least) indiscretion with a goat.1

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

  1. Sure, the zoo had a large sign reading “Don’t fuck the goats.”, but that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. [↩]
May 24, 2009 | About:  
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Comments

4 Responses to “Think Sleazier.”

  1. Dog Party on May 24th, 2009 11:04 pm

    I think we all know the first thing he’s going to do once he’s back on the street…I for one am keeping my goat where the likes of Vince’s penis can’t penetrate it —a woman’s vagina. What? I mean, a sandwich. No, goat curry.

  2. Ricardo on May 25th, 2009 12:21 pm

    I don’t know man, your goat does have a really tight butt. He might not be safe anywhere.

  3. Brad on May 25th, 2009 9:41 pm

    obviously your fact checking department celebrated a little too hard this memorial day weekend, otherwise they would of realized that vince came in second in the southwest regional mariokart championship. Shame on you sir.

  4. Ricardo on May 25th, 2009 11:38 pm

    There is one version of MarioKart that I’m pretty sure you’d agree Vince is the undisputed champion of.

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