I-Hardly-Know-R!

I know I’m a few months late on this, but I’m about to watch the Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. I’m not sure what to expect. Well, besides a cheap, fat, lazy, pandering comedian trying to go toe to toe with a panel of his betters.1 But enough about Jeff Foxworthy.

We’re here to talk about this guy.

To be honest, I do appreciate the difficulty of the situation that “Larry” finds himself in. It’s the same problem Stephen Colbert faced when his show first took off, namely whether to ever appear out of character. Despite a few miscalculations like The Love Guru,2 Colbert has been pretty diligent about never straying from his parodic persona. And yet on the rare occasions when he’s interviewed completely out of character, or even more fascinatingly, in a hazy limbo equidistant between fact and fiction, he’s been even more entertaining.

With one exception, I have never seen Dan Whitney perform out of character.


The man has always had style, at least.

There is, however, one other slight, almost negligible difference between the two men: not a single person goes to a “Larry the Cable Guy” comedy show to laugh at the character. Sure, he does self deprecating humor, what comedian doesn’t, and yes, every comedian adopts a persona, but no one is there to enjoy the comedy stylings of Dan Whitney. No one is there ironically. Except maybe David Cross. His audiences, much like the occasional unfortunately out of touch politician on The Colbert Report or The Daily Show are not in on the joke.

Mr. Whitney is not an inept comedian, if nothing else he is savvy as fuck. He figured out out a way to make the most out of his limited skill set. He is even, albeit rarely, capable of some legitimate humor and certainly more so than a Jeff Dunham or a post-success Carlos Mencia.3 This is precisely what I find so offensive about “Larry the Cable Guy”. It pains me to say, but he’s better than this.

Intelligence is a rare enough commodity in this world that pretending you have less than you actually do, unless in the service of some greater good, should be a prosecutable offense. I realize this might be just my axe to grind, but it is sharp and always thirsty. It would be one thing to pretend to be an idiot to make fun of idiots, or to comment on how idiots gain so much attention so easily, or to say something universal about the nature or idiocy. It’s another thing to pretend to be an idiot just to get idiots to line your pockets with (confederate) money. That’s just diabolical.4

The true terror of “Larry the Cable Guy” is not that a fat, unfunny comedian had the balls to try to peddle this sort of mindless, racist, jingoistic, homophobic, xenophobic, smartophobic humor to America, but that America fell for it. The only guy to profit more from 9/11 is Dick Cheney. He really has his finger on the (scrotal) pulse of the nation.5 The true terror of “Larry the Cable Guy” is that we get the comedians we deserve.

I guess I do know what to expect: some of the most savage, smart and innovative mainstream comics to absolutely decimate this buffoon, rip out his heart and piss in his empty skull and then promptly brush up on the history and precise execution of seppuku when they realize he’s more successful than all of them combined will ever be.

So, all in all, good television.

  1. Even the toothless comedians? country music stars? Marcia Bradys? football players? and drug addled madmen that Comedy Central wrangled together can clear that bar. []
  2. Not John Oliver too! []
  3. Hey Dane Cook, want to see what your future looks like? []
  4. The greatest trick Dan Whitney ever played, was convincing the world he doesn’t exist. []
  5. I’m sorry. That was a lazy and offensive joke. Scrotums are marvels of engineering, nature’s adorable little gore-tex thermostats. Scrotums, we salute you. But enough about Lisa Lampanelli. []

We Can’t Be Heroes


HeroesNBC Mondays 8/7c

Season four of Mutant X Heroes begins tonight. I am on the edge of my pants (of indifference).

Everything good about this show has already been covered in the pages of various X-men comics over the last 40 years. Everything bad too.

Can you blame them, though? Comics had a pretty big head start. There are, after all, only so many powers the human mind can conjure up.1 That being said, the following is a ridiculous and non-comprehensive list of X-Men characters that have appeared on this show:

It’s not just characters either, plots and arcs have of course been borrowed from generously. So much so, in fact that in just three abbreviated years, not to mention a slew of web series and graphic novels, the show has pretty much run out of things to steal from the Marvel universe. Hopefully this will prove to be a good thing. Hopefully this will now force the show’s writers to innovate. If I wanted comics I could just read comics. Give me something that only works on my TV, or more realistically, my computer.

The show is not all bad. Exhibit A:

So this character, Spock Sylar, the big bad from season one, can suck out other people’s powers directly from their brains. Conveniently, the first power he gobbled down was telekenesis, so all he has to do now is point a finger, slice off the top of your head and drink….your…brainshake. Drink it up!

Now, Wolverine Claire has the ability to regenerate. She is, by all accounts, immortal. You can see how that would be a highly coveted power to absorb. In fact, that’s something the show has been building towards since the beginning. If Sylar ever gets her power he will become unstoppable.

Despite my language earlier, it’s never been clear exactly what he does with the brains once he scoops them out. Technically, Sylar’s power is the ability to take a complex mechanism apart and intuit how it works. His sin and his blessing is curiosity. Fair enough. Somehow though, understanding how a power works translates to him gaining that power permanently. Fair enough. But what exactly does he have to do to understand a power?

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The show is almost all bad. Exhibit B:


Hijinks Ensue

Hey, no one ever said science fiction was easy.

Such is my faith in Bryan Fuller, creator of three fantastic, fantastical and increasingly morbid television shows, namely Wonderland, Dead Like Me, and Pushing Daisies, that I still hold out hope. Fuller was around in the beginning, when the show was at its best, and left to work on Pushing Daisies, right around when the quality started to dip. He returned at the end of last season, because America wasn’t ready for talking corpses played for laughs. Or should I say such was my faith since I think he has now left the show yet again?

We’ll see tonight if the show can ever live up to its potential and its esteemed predecessors:

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Yu Mo Gwai Gui Fai Di Zao, indeed.

For now though, let’s just hope season four isn’t building up to a climactic showdown between the heroes and Mojo in the Danger Room, which is now on the moon, while the Shi’ar empire watches and their leader, Brett Ratner, masturbates onto a pile of burning money. Oh and Cylons Skrulls. Actually, I wouldn’t mind some Cylon action. Ah, the soft bigotry of mutated expectations.


HeroesNBC Mondays 8/7c

  1. Is that a power? []

The Eternal Question

Heidi Montag of the apocalypse The Hills appeared in Playboy recently.

I can’t think of anyone younger than me that I have a more intense distaste for besides her spider demon husband. Having said that, I would still totally rub one out to her spread. So to speak.

Is this a failing of the human spirit or its greatest triumph?

Just a sophisticated lady and her pram, so what?

I may have sold my soul for a Family Size box of Hotpockets and there may be a lump of coal1 where my heart used to be, but this video got me. This video made me gay. Not the dick in my mouth, but this video.

Now, I know she was trained to do this. She didn’t see her owner pushing around a stroller and think “I gotta get me some of that sweet bipedal action”. It’s a dog not a monkey. Still, color me adorabled.

  1. Try all our bold new flavors! []