Too Soon

ABC is now just toying with my fragile heart, batting it about like some recalcitrant cat and its ill-earned meal, hell bent on prolonging the misery of its prey for as long as felinely possible.

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糟糕 糟糕, young lady, I will certainly not move on!

I can’t quit you, Mal Reynolds!

12-13-02

Never forget.

Laughter: The Deadliest Medicine?


Have you seen this clown? (On the left.)

Ventura, CA – Beloved local clown, Chippy, is officially missing, police report. He was last seen with a Mrs. Megan Maxine Suddeth-Rodriguez, AKA Maggie Suds, AKA Gina Shemensky, last Tuesday. Chippy, apparently of Irish decent, is just the latest in a string of missing and murdered mirth makers.

Authorities are seeking Mrs. Suddeth-Rodriguez for questioning in connection to several of the clown cases.

A teacher by trade, Suddeth-Rodriguez was recently subject to disciplinary review after some trouble with an unruly student.


The class clown, no doubt.

Could this be what finally sent her over the edge she had (probably) been precariously perched over for years?

Delilah McJewstein, a coworker, had this to say. “She was always really quiet, kept to herself. She seemed totally normal. Besides thinking she had a personal relationship with the 2,000 year old corpse of a swarthy carpenter and thinking he would talk to her and tell her how to live her life and appear to her all the time. Like I said, totally normal.”

An anonymous tipster provided us with this exclusive childhood picture. Perhaps it provides a glimpse into the mangled and swollen psyche of a madwoman?

A long time dealer friend acquaintance, who prefers to remain anonymous, worried he might have played a small part in starting this serial clown killing spree. “I hope it has nothing to do with that friend I brought over to her home.”

“Or the birthday present I sent her the other day,” he added.

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Neighbor and self proclaimed “psychic / licensed hair dresser / air conditioning repairwoman to the stars”, Tangina Barrons, had the following cryptic stanza as a comment.

These be just the first of many,
won’t be through ‘til seven ‘n twenty.

Readers will of course remember the first missing clown, George W. Bush Dracula Bubbles, eventually found stung to death1 in nearby Channel Islands National Park.

He will be missed.


Why so serious? Oh, right.

Was that dwarflock right? Is this the beginning of a culling of the clowns? Who will stop this Klown Killer?2

If you have any information, authorities urge you to contact your local police station immediately.


This guy would really like to know about it.

Please, do your part.


Remember kids, you can’t spell slaughter without laughter.

Stay safe, clowns.

  1. What police refer to as “Macaulay Culkin style”. []
  2. We would have also accepted:
    Bozo Butcher
    Red Nose Ripper
    Ringmaster
    Funkiller
    Olivia Newton John Wayne Gacy
    The Lady With Bees In Her Mouth So When She Talks She Shoots Bees At You (TLWBIHMSWSTSSBAY)
    Seltzer Slasher
    Joker Jabber
    Jester Juicer []

So, Body Snatchers are real…

Family Guy has apparently expanded their writing pool to include more of the ocean’s noble critters.

Cymothoa exigua is found in certain species of fish. It sneaks in through their gills, eats and or destroys their tongues, replacing them in the process and then feeding either off the host’s blood or mucus. Let me repeat that. This animal crawls into another animal, destroys one of its organs and then functions as that organ for the rest of its life.


Say hello to the most adorable thing that will ever cause you to vomit in terror.

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Seth McFarlane’s Science Corner