Monkey See, Monkey Whale Vagina

These guys know how to party.

On a completely unrelated note, here is a deleted scene from Anchorman that was just released online.

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Somebody’s clearly been bored.

I see many zings in your future.

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This is pretty damn accurate. Although, to be fair I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, a California Bureau of Investigation or the fact that the Santa Barbara in Psych has a higher murder rate than 1870s Deadwood.

Let me be Frank

Henry Waxman is alright as far as Congressmen go, but Barney Frank is something else.

(via The Rumpus)

What with this and the Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults Act I think I see New Bedford in my not too distant future.

Serial killers are just getting lazy

Where’s the Love for Al’s Pancake World?

I’m not going to lie, when I found out Jimmy Fallon was slated to replace Conan O’Brien I was perplexed, disappointed and insulted1.

I have tentatively changed my mind2.

Jimmy Fallon is no Conan, but unlike Conan when he took over “Late Night” in 1993, Fallon actually has on camera experience3, so the bar during the first few months was set higher. If The Tonight Show era Conan invokes Carson more than Leno, then Fallon brings to mind Carson’s unsuccessful successor David Letterman. Just nowhere near as funny4.

But, to his credit, Fallon and his cohorts are very much experimenting with the form. Episodes frequently feature a segment that is nothing more than 6 minute surreal game show with audience members as contestants and cash and t-shirt prizes.

The show is at its weakest when Fallon flounders with a guest he has no rapport with. He’s not as nimble as his peers who can, to varying degrees, save even the most boring interview. But, surprisingly, despite his comedic shortcomings, the interviews highlight Fallon’s greatest strength: his likability. All that inappropriate laughing that ruined so many skits on SNL, and made a handful even better, in a more relaxed setting, is actually charming. One hopes his wit catches up to his charm and not the converse.

The show’s head writer A.D. Miles, an established and underrated comedian who you’ll recognize from virtually every The State alumnus project, Wet Hot American Summer, The Ten, and most recently Role Models as just a few examples, will hopefully keep the show steered in that direction.

Proof that it’s working.

Some straight truth, to be had here.

  1. Also, horny. I’m guessing. []
  2. He just doesn’t do it for me anymore. []
  3. If you can call corpsing at pretty much everything Horatio Sans and Will Ferrell do or say experience. []
  4. Or, to be fair, cruel. []

Art Imitates Trash

This looks pretty good. Except, of course, Harvey Levin is nowhere near as classy as Ron Jeremy.

Don’t Worry Be Mindblown

This has been everywhere the past few days and I’m mainly posting it just so I can constantly watch it more easily.


Funny People finally looks good now that they’ve stopped marketing it as a sappy love story with Eric Bana as the cuckolded villain1.

And not to put down Messrs. Rogen, Hill and to a lesser, more washed up extent, Sandler, but Aziz Ansari is by far the most appealing thing about this movie. Until now, that is.

Jarrett Grode, the comic whose joke was upgraded, was in Judd Apatow’s sophomore television effort Undeclared. He’s popped up in the occasional web short. He’s been doing stand-up for over a decade now. But what I will always remember him for was a series of ‘zines2 he wrote, in the late 90s, basically as a child.

An excerpt:


1. Think For Yourself!!!!
3. Don’t Kill People!!!!!!
4. One Time This Guy Told me To Go To The Back Of The Line Because I Was Cutting But I Think He Said It Because He Was Racist!!!!!!!
5. Murderers Don’t Belong In Prison!!!
6. Drum Harder!!!!!!!!
8. Die Mall Security Guard! DIE!!!!
9. Free Political Prisone Charles Manson!!!!

And here he is helping readers out with some vocabulary.

Pugilist: boxer

Don King: Pugilist means boxer! Two words for one concept! Only in America!

Knowledgeable polyglot: Synonyms are common to every language.

Don King: (evading taxes)

Here’s hoping the magician in Funny People doesn’t get his scene cut!3

  1. Can’t decide between a “you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry”, reliable but dated and possibly confusing (fucking Ed Norton), or a “the man can clearly hold a grudge” with maybe a “FIRE EVERYTHING!!!” crammed in there somewhere. Oh wait, neither. The right answer is neither. []
  2. I didn’t know senile octogenarians just made up words. []
  3. Or if he does that at least he shows up in the next Harry Potter movie. []

Even I’m not this lazy.

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I sympathize completely with Red Bull GmbH. I’m offended by the comparison too. After all, at least alcohol makes you feel good.

Dumbledore Lives!

We meet again old friend.

As I turn 27 in this, the 27th week of the year, I can’t help but look back into the past.1

Look at this helpless fucking thing.

Life may be difficult and grim and empty sometimes, well a lot of the time, but I’m sure in the end there’s more joy than pain.

Idiot. You can bet it didn’t expect to live another 27 years. And you can be damn sure it didn’t expect for things to turn out like this.

I am not the man I thought I would be. This is not the life I thought I would lead. I am not sure what to make of that.

In case you can’t tell, I’m not really good at birthdays. Never have been. They are 24 relentless hours designed for withering introspection. To an already far too introspective person, it can get to be a bit much.

A poem:


Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

- Dorothy Parker

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

There is some good news though. I’m not in yet and I don’t want to jinx it, but I just applied for membership to a very exclusive club, and so far I think it’s looking good. My preliminary meeting seemed to go really well. We all got along like a house on heroin.

Not sure how to show me how much you want me to know how much you know that I changed your life forever? May I make a suggestion?

I was planning on writing a much longer piece on life and inevitably death, a thoughful exploration into the central questions of human existence, a meditiation on how you shouldn’t wait for life to happen to you, you should happen to life, an exhortation to punch the face of God. Instead, I think I might just go try my best to get arrested.

Double True.

They say old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill2, let’s hope they’re right.

  1. “The past, Conan?” “Yes Andy, all the way to the year 1982. []
  2. I always liked to think I was young and treacherous. []

It would make an awesome videogame.

Only 966 more pages to go!