The Ultimate Challenge

(via Rob Huebel)

Man, I really have to get back to playing frisbee soon. There’s all kinds of innovations and shit.

You are mending me together!

This April Fool’s the Cartoon Network’s Late Night programming block Adult Swim played The Room. Read that again, I’ll be waiting. I don’t even have cable and yet I was terrified that the “prank” was listing the movie in their schedule and then not showing it. Instead the “prank” was airing this movie on basic cable. And what a prank it was.

This is not without precedent though. The airing was bookended by a very special episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, with guest star and segment director Tommy Wiseau. To set up who Wiseau is, they showed a clip from his opus.

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Seem familiar?

This all culminates in the sketch starring and directed and inspired by Wiseau.

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Motherhood does not agree with Jessica Alba.

I think it’s clear that the world is starved for more Tommy. You know what to do.1

  1. What? Oh, you don’t? Um, I don’t know, maybe we could send him a bunch of pigs? Would that help? He’d be fed for a while at least. Not from their meat, obviously. From their blood. Because he’s a vampire. That’s right kids, Dracula’s real. And he has AIDS, so it’s not polite to stare. Well, what did you think was going to happen? []

Twenty-three skidoo…Twenty-four, twenty-five skidoo.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to an earlier, simpler time. So I could steal Hitler’s secret babies and bring them back to the present. I guess I would probably do some dancing too.

Rate Your Douchitude Today!

Take the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

The average score is 15. I scored 15.1 This disappoints me to no end.

I know I’m not that vain and entitlement is something I find springs mostly out of religious belief, so no worries there. I am somewhat redeemed though. It should come as no surprise to anyone reading this that I maxed out the superiority category.2

We now return to you to your regularly scheduled MarijuanaComplex content.

  1. I let you down Papa. []

Our Most Hallowed of Days.

Won’t you join me in celebrating today, in honor of a very special someone’s birthday.1

It’s your patriotic duty.

Be it spliff, blunt or bowl, take some time today and find a way to show your holiday spirit.

  1. He’s the reason for the season! []

The Worst Show You’re Not Watching.

I watch a lot of tv. It’s basically my job. Like a lot of tv. So much in fact, that there are some shows I watch, not in spite of their awfulness, but because of it. But even I have my limits.

So, imagine my surprise when the other day, bored and twiddling my thumbs1, while a television show, whose purpose it is to entertain, finished downloading, I accidentally caught a few seconds of One Tree Hill.

Now, I’m not usually buying what religion is selling, but truly, this was a gift from Baal.

I tried half-heartedly to watch this show when it first aired, hoping it would fill the void left by Dawson’s Creek, but I forgot to take into account that descended testicles could get in the way enjoying teen dramas. Plus, the show veered pretty quickly into over the top soap territory and not in a self-aware way like The O.C., so I stopped watching about the time the token Sexican family moved in and that fat kid shot up the school.

But now I see the error of my ways. That was all just laying down the groundwork to get to here.2 And as to whether the show is aware of it’s own madness. Are any of us? Also, who gives a fuck?

First off, I think it prudent to prepare you, in as much as such a thing is possible. I wish I could take credit for the way this is edited, but all I did was cut down one scene or else this clip would’ve been 7 minutes long. I repeat, it was really edited this way. This was a sequence on a prime time one hour drama, broadcast on a national ≈network. Say goodbye to the person you are right now. In four minutes, they will be dead.

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So much just happened. Can we review what just happened? Is this real life?

A gratuitous, cheesy music video intercut with Dawson fucking Leary as a lecherous director, a cartoonish Super Villain3 finally being felled by the mighty Golden Retriever, and a sassy black nurse. Oh, and The Sims.


These are some words I never thought I would put in this order: James Van der Beek, you’re better than this. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.4

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Just to make me feel even better in my nougaty brain stem, I’m going to assume that there was some sort of Nokia™ sponsored Sunkist™ challenge to see who could chug more Sunkist™ than Pete Wentz, brought to you by Carl’s Jr.™ and the prize was a walk-on role on One Tree Hill. The role? Do you need to ask?

Look closer though, and I think you’ll see this is just brilliant subliminal advertising. This is in fact, the most powerful anti-marijuna campaign ever! In comparison, it becomes apparent all that Above the Influence shit was concieved and executed by ten-year-olds with learning disabilities (while high).

More visceral and compelling than even the most ambitiuous and epic anti-marijuana message, one which took five years to finally and fully pay off.

Um, guys, it’s called foreshadowing.

White House Office of Public Liaison Associate Director my ass, the writing was on the wall. We know why Dr. Kutner tripped gentle into that good night.

Far more direct in pointing out the risks of recreational marijuana use than the previous gold standard in that department.

The message is pretty clear kids: if you smoke marijuana, you will DEVOUR a HUMAN HEART.

Also, this is a fairly compelling argument against dogs.

The eyes of a killer.

Just so you don’t think this was some sort of wonderful fluke, this is how the episode ended. Again, furreals.

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No! Don’t turn off the computer! We’ll all blink out of existence! Dooooooonnnnn….

I think I’m starting to understand all the complexities of this fascinating, multi-layered high school soap opera. This is some St. Elsewhere shit right here. One Tree Hill is just the fever dream of a little boy who one day grows up to be the Lawnmower Man, and eventually finds his way onto a mysterious island.5

Wait, no. I think I finally get it for real. It’s basically like a crazy dark, nihilistic parody of Dawson’s Creek. It takes all the premises and stereotypes cranked up to eleven and played out to their absurd, logical extremes. A highly subversive, unimaginably meta, Borgesian mindfuck, never once winking at the audience or tipping it’s hand in seven years on the air. If you don’t want to be anything other than the Abyss long enough, the Abyss doesn’t want to be anything other than what you’ve been trying to be lately.

Just kidding. This was really all just a commercial for Scotch® Tape. Think about it.

You know what to do.

  1. All three of them. []
  2. I.e., the promised land. []
  3. “That nigga Dan be crazy.” Overheard on bus by friend. []
  4. Pre-gouging. Not because this is terrible, but because nothing else will ever live up to it. []
  5. But Fall Out Boy is still real, right? []

The Reason For The Season.

Folks, we live in some crazy, hectic times. Yep, some crazy, black President having, Not So Great Depression enduring, most likely nigh apocalyptic times. So, it’s far too easy to lose sight of the important things.

Take a moment today to remember the true lesson of Easter.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

The #1 Threat To America.

Success heaps in a happiness box.

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Legendary1 comedian Patton Oswalt speaks the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s Honest Truth on his myspace page.

I can personally vouch for everything he endorses with the exception of Friday Night Lights which is by now probably the only show I don’t watch on television. I’ll get to it soon.2 In fact, it’s to the point that I could have pretty much written this myself.3

One thing I do have over Mr. Oswalt is free time. Free time to find, edit and convert video proof of some of his claims for your viewing pleasure.

I’ve posted about Burn Notice before and if that didn’t make you want to watch it, then I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.

Jon Glaser is a hilarious writer and actor, that if you have any interest in comedy whatsoever, I’m sure you’ve seen or at the very least heard before. To me, however, he will always be Pubes. In Delocated, his character is in the witness protection program, never without a ski mask, and has had vocal chord surgery to anonymize his voice. The Russian mob has put out a contract on his life and this happens.

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And, of course, Eastbound & Down has now finished its very British season of six episodes and they all stand up. Proof:

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As amazing and blindingly dark as Danny McBride is on this show, Andy Daly steals just about every scene he’s in.

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Lastly, if I may interject my own less worthwhile opinion, and if by some retarded twist of fate, you’re not already watching 30 Rock you should change that. This is what you’re missing. On a weekly basis, even.4

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Back to more mundane matters.

Remember folks, those ads on the side aren’t just for feng shui. There’s some pretty sweet looking rehab ads up there right now, so you know, get on that.

And to my reader(s) in Huntington Park that’s stopped reading this site, I’m sorry if I’ve let you down. I’ll do better I swear.

Just tell me how I can fix this baby. We can get through this. You are tearing me apart.

  1. In the sense that I have constructed many mythologies where The General (I eventually muster up the courage to call him Patton) swoops in on his dragon steed, Grumpus and takes me on adventures where we fight ignorance and read comics and have sleepovers. []
  2. Clear eyes, full hearts, don’t worry. []
  3. If I were funny, articulate, or even remotely successful at, well, anything. []
  4. Because, clearly this show needs my help. []

It’s not rape if she’s already dead.

Michael Ian Black recently riffed on rape. Prompted by response to a comment he made on twitter1 he descended into a defense on rape as fodder for comedy. Furthering his argument, he quotes Sarah Silverman and in turn demands to be quoted himself.

When you combine rape and Anti-Semitism in the same joke, I’m sorry, you’ve done something right.

- Michael Ian Black

This offends me. Not because of all the rape, or even the racism, but because it’s clear how effortless this rant was for Mr. Black. I fucking toil at this shit right here.

In an attempt to imitate and flatter,2 I present to you one of my favorite rape jokes, or jokes about rape jokes (and a bonus for your troubles), also from a talented female comedian, Morgan Murphy.

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Good thing I don’t have an office job.

  1. I finally think enough of you (enough=4) actually know what twitter is, relieving me of the imposing task of trying to explain it in a footnote. []
  2. But mostly just imitate. []

Alright Japan, you win.

This may well be, as some have claimed, the “Second Golden Age of Television” bestowing serialized fiction with a level of public favor and attention it hasn’t enjoyed since Dickens’ day. But, just as China stands poised to pick up the burning embers of our economy, possibly for use in a fireworks display, Japan seems likely to inherit the mantle of cultural arbiters.

For all our Shakespearean HBO novels, we have nothing on this.

(via Michael Alan Nelson @ kung fu monkey)

Based on little else besides the fact that while Japan is responsible for some of the sickest, most depraved and most diverse1 pornography your feeble mind could ever fathom, they only recently got over their centuries-long hangup with pubic hair, it’s safe to assume the land of the rising sun is one of contrasts.

There is still some speculation as to the reasons why.

The Non-Adventures of Wonderlla

Assuming it was our nukes, it’s possible there was at least one good thing to come out of it. Common among the Japanese and Chinese is a mutated gene that produces an enzyme necessary to metabolize alcohol. This mutation leads to a quick build up of an alcohol byproduct, meaning the onset of a “hangover” occurs after just one or two drinks.

This presents another contrast because, while depriving the nation of the joys of a magical elixir, which numbs you to the horror of modern existence at the small cost of some years off your life, a life which would hardly be worth living without your sweet, sweet medicine, it also shields them from the ravages of alcoholism.

But not an organized crime syndicate taking over their economy, 39-year-old men posing as little girls, eerie, lifelike little girl robots, little girls slitting each other’s throats, a thunderdome-like island for little kids or a suicide forest.

You’re welcome?

  1. If you have a fetish, if no one else can help, and if you can live with yourself, maybe you can watch the Japanese do it on film. []

Two women on the internet I would gladly marry.

First, a cyborg Paralympic athlete and fashion model.

Second, a lady I assume to be a college student who, by participating in an impressive counter-protest,1 proves she just might hate Shirley Phelps-Roper as much as I do.

  1. Not to mention showing proper deference to our dark lord. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fhtagn! []