Chairman of the Hoard

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You mean if I had just continued to live in abject filth and chaos I could have gotten a pet out of the deal? Why did nobody tell me?

Viruses and germs, meet my new favorite tv spectacle. A “reality” television show that’s completely upfront about the severe emotional and psychological issues of all its contestants? Sign me up! Well, my mom at least.

What does it say about me that even ‘1’ seems pretty disorganized. Oh right, that I grew up somewhere that was between a ‘4’ and a ‘5’. And that subsequently, the sense of relief I get from a clean and neat room is somewhere between an orgasm and a sneeze.

But, if you want to watch a heap of sad people struggling with mental illness receiving some haphazard treatment, as a television network profits from their misery, all the while questioning what happens when humans are forced to live in inhuman conditions and what it means when those conditions are ostensibly of their own choosing, and sporting half a chub, or better yet, the female equivalent1, well, then you just might be as demented as I am. We should talk.

I still wonder though, if this show actually helps any hoarders that aren’t actually on the show. Do they watch and realize they have a problem and that help is out there or do they breathe a huge sigh of relief because at least they’re not as bad as those freaks on Hoarders, A&E, Mondays 10/9c?

I bet the “hoard” is spelled w-h-o-r-e-d.

  1. A quarter can of tuna? I tried. Sadly, I tried. []

Hello?

Remember when I actually posted things here? Oh, the nostalgia.

And on a lighter note,

Because it’s there.

I think I have to watch this 6 more times before I’m convinced I’m not lurking around in the background somewhere.

For the man who hates everything.

It’s me again, the disembodied spirit of a murdered ex-Green Beret who can’t move on to the next plane of existence because his murder by a gang of street thugs cannot go unavenged and also has been trapped in this website somehow1. Don’t just take my word for it.

Yesterday marked the 2nd anniversary of my imprisonment in this cyberhell and tomorrow we celebrate the 28th year in the reign of the great and powerful wizard who confined me here.

Unsure what might please him and gain his good favor? May I make a few

perfectly

reasonable

suggestions?

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He is a simple man of simple tastes.2

  1. Murder most foul. []
  2. Sorry, simple wizard. []

Happy more numerous of the two gametes day!

In all but the most technical sense, I don’t have a father, so clearly this holiday means even less to me than most.

But I will admit I always wondered what it would be like. What I missed out on, someone to teach me how to shave, tie a tie, dodge the draft and other valuable life skills.

Basically, someone to show me what it is to be a man.

I’ve never even met my father, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw this exact recreation of what I always hoped our first encounter would be like.

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Is this not how men show each other affection?

Not sure what to get good ol’ dad this fathers day? Why not get him the greatest gift a father can ever recieve?

The forgotten perks of being an Angeleno.

I’ve seen a bunch of low-level celebrities hiking at Runyon Canyon, from Kathy Griffin to Diedrich Bader to Paul Johansson1. My most recent sighting puts all of those to shame.

Christian Clemenson was responsible for maybe the best moment of television from 20072. He plays Jerry Espenson, a lawyer with Asperger’s. The clip itself ably handles everything else you may need to know.

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Also, later I saw a 6’2”, 250lb black man dressed as Zorro with a plastic sword and hat and everything. Still not as good as ol’ Clemmy3.

So, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t say anything to him. Rule #1: They not ready.

  1. As I may have mentioned before, that nigga Dan be crazy. []
  2. It’s between this and “We have to go baaaaack!” Good job, ABC! []
  3. That’s what he would let me call him if we were friends. Just me though. Clemmy & Sotes, solving crimes and scoring trim, all on the company dime. Clemmy & Sotes, kicking ass and not bothering to take any names because fuck your name. Clemmy & Sotes, the only plumbers you’ll need, if you want to plumb the depths of ecstasy. Cumming this fall. Check your local fistings. []

The next best thing is sometimes good enough.

Supernatural – The CW Thursdays 9/8c

Can’t wait for Lost to finally either blow your mind or at the very least stop touching it for a minute so that you can blow it yourself?1 Me neither, but tonight, to stop the shakes for a bit, I’m going to watch the season finale of Supernatural.

This may be damning it with faint praise but this is the best show on The CW, which is odd seeing as how the second best show, The Vampire Diaries, is also ostensibly a horror drama. Hey at least they’re more realistic than Gossip Girl2. Besides, one of the writers is the creator of The Tick which would be reason enough alone to watch. But back to Oceanic Flight 815.

Once a horror story that incorporates any biblical mythology goes on long enough, it must end in Armageddon. Supernatural has been building to that for five years now. In it, Mark Pellegrino, Jacob on Lost, plays Lucifer whose goal is to possess one of the stars of the show in order to bring about the apocalypse. Crucial to this possession is the consent of the possesed. The archangel Michael, Lucifer’s brother, seeks to possess another star of the show in order to defeat Lucifer. Any of this starting to sound familiar?

Of course, I will be rooting for Lucifer since I don’t think there’s any character in mythology that I identify more intimately with, but that shouldn’t stop you from watching and rooting for “the human race”.

Plus the show has a sense of humor. Which is important to hang on to during the apocalypse.

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  1. It’s too sore right now. []
  2. Still not as insane as One Tree Hill though. []

Feeling down? I can cheer you up in seven seconds.

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Story of my life.

I take it back, Toby is definitely the Scranton Strangler. Also, why do I keep talking about my least favorite NBC Thursday night sitcom? I can’t even tell if I’m picking on it or celebrating it? This might just be my raging well adjustedness talking, but I’m pretty sure if you only hate something as much as you love it, then that’s a good sign it was meant to be.

Science without religion is lame, religion without lube just burns.

You’d think the blood of the lamb would be lubrication enough.

No thank you, Catholic church. I don’t care what flavor candy you have in the rectory! I think I’m sticking with my new age guru. We’re making some real progress lately.

I’m sensing a theme developing here.

Also, ads for “Jesus Loves You”1 and Scientology are being served up here, I’m assuming as a result of this post. At least when Google silently takes over the world they’ll probably have a sense of humor about it.

  1. All night long! The least you could do is make this hard. (!) []

Gentlemen, start your whacking!

Ish.

Happy Whacking Day everyone! That’s right, May 10th is officially learn-a-lesson-about-not-exterminating unseemly-species-possibly-from-soul-legend-Barry-White-day. I mean if we’re going to celebrate Festivus, why not? It’s a holiday no more ridiculous than any other. Unsure how to celebrate? These nerds have an idea:

That is highly offensive, Amazon. I have much better things to do with my time than play World of Warcraft.1

Seriously though folks, snakes are no joke. Most of the time.

Humans, too.2

  1. Obviously. []
  2. You will almost certainly regret seeing this. Also, it takes a while to load, so you still have some time! []

Happy Larger of the Two Gametes Day!

I’m pretty sure Easter stole its whole egg motif from Mother’s Day. Which is today by the way. Not sure what to get the creature that hatched you? These nerds have a horrifying suggestion:

Gross, newegg. Just…gross.

Although, at that price you’d be a fool not to jump on that. So to speak.

It is definitely not easy being a mom. No one appreciates you.

You’re somehow now held responsible for every little thing that might happen to your kids.

And it’s even worse if you’re a single mother.

So, take some time today and think of where you’d be without your mother. Successful and content, but you couldn’t really appreciate it.1

  1. That really is a great price. []

As if I didn’t already have enough reading to do.

“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

- Janet Fitch, White Oleander

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