Douchey By Association

Breaking News! Some idiot said some stupid thing on CNN. Americans are offended, amused or bored depending on their education level and socioeconomic status.

So, a sports journalist said something negative about the President, a grown man, that apparently hurt his feelings enough that he’s demanding an apology, while his press secretary wants her fired. Then, a news network had two other sports journalists on to discuss the topic. In theory.

Here is the exchange:

Baldwin asked “Why would you even say this live on national television and with a female host? Why would you even go there?”

The following is an attempt at an exhaustive list of such reasons:

I know nothing of this man’s personal life and in a world where all that separates me from that knowledge is less than thirty keystrokes, I can’t spare the calories. But, I am convinced that if he had been allowed to keep talking he would have added that his Canadian girlfriends boobs are his favorite boobs.

To be fair, if you fell into a coma just before your thirteenth birthday and awoke decades later on a live satellite feed with a woman you found attractive, you might be forgiven for falling back on what worked in Julie Becker’s basement after scoring a sixer of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But, as an adult, simply reminding women of their secondary sex characteristics is probably not going to get you all that far. I hope the women of earth won’t be too offended if I speak on their behalf to say that women aren’t likely to forget they have tits anytime soon. Wait, he’s never been in a coma? Wait, does he want to fuck the first amendment?1

Frankly, as a man, this is the most offensive thing about his “joke”. The obvious and only infinitesimally funnier thing to say would have been, “three things that have only never let me down in this entire country’s history…” That fruit hangs so low you could throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier. The host, Brooke Baldwin, in a unnecessarily gracious gesture, even gives him a nihilistic (and funnier!) out, “booze” is a far better joke. Not only is “boobs” one of the most childish and least funny ways to refer to breasts, but even the logic of the humor is tortured. Only red, white and blue boobs2 haven’t let him down? American exceptionalism is a dangerous and prevalent lie, but even the most diehard MAGA voter will admit to cranking it to malnourished slavic women and their heavy peasant breasts. Somebody even MARRIED ONE OF THEM. Maybe the only thing harder than actually knowing how funny you are is objectively knowing how intelligent you are.

This is still tangentially related to humor. What if him saying “boobs” was actually just an attempt to make some misguided point about the first amendment? Again, the better version of that joke or “statement” would have been “I believe in only two things completely, the First Amendment and shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.” The punchline is basically unchanged, George Carlin can’t sue you from the grave, CNN would scramble to bleep him and he could then rally against censorship to whoever is sad (no, not SAD!, just sad) enough to listen to him in the first place.

Except of course, the first amendment doesn’t read “CNN shall make no attempt to abridge the speech of whatever asshole happens to be on camera”. No, the first amendment protects individuals from the government, not cable news. The only way this argument might have some traction is if he was on Russia Today bad mouthing Donald’s newfound father figure. Sorry, “daddy figure”. He likes that, right?3

I’m not implying he invented sexism or is even aware of half of the vile, incoherent shit that manages to escape out of his mouth, let alone any other orifice, but we are left with one undeniable fact. Donald Trump, the man who for some inexplicable reason, people insist on calling President, was either very proud of getting away with committing sexual assault or lied about it to impress Billy Bush. I hope the monkeys of the world won’t be too offended if I reduce their imitative instincts (which one hairless ape has seemingly perfected) to a withered cliché, but monkey see, asshole do.

Believe me when I tell you that there are some generally unspoken rules for human conversation, the first of which is the implicit truth of whatever you’re saying. Common sense would suggest that constantly speaking this rule out loud or calling attention to it is meant to either justify an extraordinary claim or to jedi mind trick someone into buying your bullshit.

Another rule, without which conversations could not proceed, is the maxim of relevance. While casual conversations of course veer off into all sorts of tangents, typically, a response is directly prompted by what came before it.

“How do you intend to deal with the growing nuclear threat of North Korea?”
“I like turtles.”

Unless this is followed by a particularly trenchant metaphor or a hackneyed Aesop reference or an explicit wish that humans extinct themselves to make way for our carapaced cousins, this is not a satisfying exchange. It does not sequitur.

The presumption of relevance is reasonably more explicit when money is being spent to broadcast your opinions. Presumably, if you have your own radio show you can say whatever the hell you please, as long as your parent corporation gets its cut, but CNN is equally free to keep you from doing it on their dime. I’m not exactly a fan, but if you’re going to piss all over CNN, the least you could do is let the Russians tape it.

When pressed on his motives, Travis continues to violate this maxim by going on to explain “I say it live on the radio all the time because it’s true and that’s what I do.” Further proof he doesn’t understand how words work. The question wasn’t “Hey Clay, what’s some stuff you like?” Or “Could you please say something true that you say all the time?” The question was why is the President singling out this one black female reporter. And his response was “boobs”. Hmm, maybe it does sequitur a little after all.

This isn’t just disrespecting women or the host who asked him onto her show or the other panelist or the presumably adult audience watching, it’s disrespecting language.

In this post White Tuesday world, it’s common to claim that facts themselves are under attack. Again, while Donald did not invent discrediting facts you can’t grasp or that are against your interests, it is one thing he’s good at. But, it’s not just reason and truth that are being eroded, it’s communication itself.

There is a paradox at the heart of all communication, but especially the verbal variety. Words are both meaningless, in that they only ever asymptotically approach a meaning, and yet they have very real and tangible consequences and so mean a great deal.

If you threaten to murder someone, as long as someone else hears you, those words have consequences. That person might attempt to murder you first or flee the country or report you to the police. And, those consequences themselves might have further consequences that are even harder to predict or control. Say what you will about CNN’s ratings, you’re still not speaking into a void.4

If you convince a large portion of your population, that the planet they inhabit is, by design, eternally immune to any of the waste and poisons they generate, those words have consequences. Even if you’re dead long before you’d have to face them, nevertheless they persist.

If you imply that the United States’ third largest trading partner, who used to occupy roughly 14% of the country, and now shares the entire southern border, purposely exports their criminals, drugs, and rapists or that the first half white President of the United States (who, if memory serves, never asked for an apology) committed a decades long fraud, regarding not only his citizenship but his academic record, those words have consequences. They just happened to be on the opposite side of common sense.

Because, as much as he pays lip service to boobs, making women uncomfortable is actually his favorite thing about them. See “insecurity“, “imitation“. Coincidentally, this is also another unspoken maxim of human conversation, so apparently, no one ever took the time to teach Clay how to be human.

These are simple, human impulses, but, current occupants of the White House notwithstanding, we don’t have to reward them. Even if it’s good for your ratings, you don’t have to give airtime to these people. To her credit, Baldwin has said he won’t ever be asked back. That’s at least one troll who will have to look somewhere else for nourishment. Unfortunately, the same probably can’t be said for their king.

This is a cheap, but sadly, largely effective argumentative tactic. But only if we keep falling for it. Only if we don’t see it for what it is. Only if we refuse to impose any consequences.

So, to recap, an insecure white man was inept, immature, overconfident in his abilities and malicious when speaking to a woman, in the hopes of distracting her and anyone else listening from his numerous glaring shortcomings. But enough about the 2016 presidential debates.

Let’s move on to the 2016 Republican primaries and another idiot threatening to ruin something else I love.

There is no conceivable universe where I feel comfortable shaming someone for masturbating, whether it’s to pornography or the memory of those 47 seconds when anyone in their right mind thought they could be president.

As long as the porn is legal and consensual, who am I to judge? I mean, besides a devoted fan of porn.

As solicitor general, Ted Cruz infamously defended a Texas law seeking to ban the sale or advertisement of sex toys, arguing that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

He now correctly refers to this law as stupid and is also obviously correct in saying that “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.” Maybe he should tell that to his political party. Also, just because that’s where you look at it, the internet isn’t actually in your bedroom.

I wholeheartedly agree that lawyers should not be held accountable for doing their jobs and representing or defending people or laws that they find reprehensible or idiotic. Maybe he should tell that to his political party.

But that means, the best argument that he could come up with was basically, every time you jack off, Uncle Sam cries. I think we found out why he’s so persecuted.

By far, his most outrageous and Orwellian deflection, however, is that “the media and the left seem obsessed with sex.”

A quick parable:

Two men, let’s call them Hidari and Migi live in small, lush village in the heart of a tropical rainforest.

One day, Migi goes to a meeting of the elders and pronounces that no one can drink any water while the sun is still in the sky. The villagers are confused, but for some arcane reason, Migi has a lot of clout in the village, so this new law is imposed.

Later, he proclaims that water must only be drunk out of a specific style of metal goblet that, by pure coincidence, is only made by his eldest son. Eventually, another rule is enacted that states no villager may drink water in the presence of more than two other villagers.

Hidari finds these rules arbitrary and nonsensical, but bites his tongue so as to not offend the many that seem to now respect them. Until, on his way to a neighboring village, he spies Migi pounding water out of a beer helmet. In broad daylight. In the middle of an orgy.

Fed up, Hidari confronts Migi with the entire village as witness.

“See here, Migi drinks water whenever and however it pleases him, as it used to be, and yet denies us the right to do the same.”

To which Migi replies, “God! Why are you so obsessed with water?!?”


Do you think that’s an insult? Do you think if we weren’t, there would be 7.5 billion people alive to mock you for hypocritically and publicly watching porn on nine got damn eleven.

I’m loathe to use a “nickname” (by the way, just a reminder that adding an adjective in front of someone’s given name is in no way a nickname) coined by Dickhead Donald, but this is just Lyin’ Ted up to his old tricks.

Because, to be clear, this wasn’t just a politician getting caught white handed, this was a politician promoting pornography to his followers. I would love nothing more than to see Ted Cruz become a champion for sex workers, to help combat the hypocrisy and social exile that they inevitably face. Americans buy and use a product, to the tune of almost $3 billion a year and then proceed to shame and ridicule the very people that provide them said product. Which is somehow less shameful than fucking on camera for money.

Still, I hope we can agree, there is an appropriate time and place to shout from the rooftops what kind of porn you love.

Loud and proud!

But, no, adult film actors will have to look elsewhere for an advocate, since, according to Cruz, someone “on his staff” “hit the wrong button”.

The only reason I might believe him is that Ted seems to be a furry.5

This is already being spun into snowflakes or delicate geniuses having their fragile sensibilities offended and some other nonsense about trigger warnings.

No one is saying you can’t like tits. Just that the middle of a discussion about the first amendment is maybe a weird time to not shut up about it?

No one is saying you can’t beat your dick to a threesome featuring an actress some have claimed bears a striking resemblance to your wife. Well, maybe, that guy who thinks your dad killed Kennedy and publicly called your wife ugly, but the rest of us don’t care.6 But, if you’re a Senator whose political party is constantly trying to legislate sexuality, just try not to brag about it in front of everybody on 9/11. Unless, you’re trying to make us forget?

I’m not offended a man said “boobs” on television. I’m not surprised to hear Republicans spill their seed just like the rest of us. It’s the CONTEXT that’s the problem.

Now, see, because I’m an adult, and this is a personal forum for me to express my thoughts that anyone is free to read as they see fit, I have no problem admitting or proclaiming that there was porn on in the background as I wrote this.

I don’t say this to offend or make money off anyone, but because it’s true. And because I have two monitors, am easily distracted, and can mute porn while listening to music without missing too much. You might also be shocked to hear that (human) breasts are among my favorite things in the world.

Also, at times, I am, if not proud of this fact, at least able to revere and revel in my mammalian nature. A credit to my biological class. But, I don’t go around blurting it to everyone I’m introduced to. I have the good sense to wait until I’m asked or at least, until it comes up organically.7

So, while these two wankers make me ashamed to be a man and most people make me ashamed to be human, I refuse to let them drag language or porn or tits through the mud. Unless they film it, I guess.

The last conversational maxim is the maxim of quantity. That is, you should provide just enough information to convey your meaning, but no more and no less. In case you couldn’t tell, this is one I struggle with. The internet, when it’s not shoving tits in your face, even has a useful shorthand for one of these errors.


You can like breasts and porn all you want, just don’t be a dick about it.

  1. National Pleasure 3 cumming to a theater near you! []
  2. Bloobs! []
  3. Sweet Christmas! Sarah Palin was right all along! Say what you will about that illiterate moose jockey, but at least she knew to fear Putin, she just can’t tell airspace from cyberspace! And thought that the people that would vote for her didn’t already think Alaska was part of Russia or Canada or the Upside Down. []
  4. I can think of at least one angry, senile old man who can’t seem to stop watching. []
  5. At least, I hope he’s a furry. Otherwise, those poor rats. []
  6. I think we might have found the “staffer” Cruz is covering for! []
  7. Anytime now… []