Feel good movie of the last 30 years
Happy Smallpox-Blanket Day!
Condolences all around. Today is a day of mourning. It is also a day of celebration, commemorating a narrow victory over an unsuspecting continent, honoring a kindness and compassion that Western Civilization has yet to return.
But who gives a fuck about that, am I right?
Yes, this holiday, like most of its brethren, is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to cancerously consume everything in sight. Which is of course, all too fitting. For all the talk of humility and family and similar puritanical virtues, today amounts to a paean, not to gratitude, but to obesity, and of course, one day later, to capitalism. Raise a glass! To gluttony!
But wait. There might be a slight problem here. Are you human enough to be a little bothered by your ancestors’ bloody legacy, but American enough to just want to get your grub on? Do you want to savor your set of nesting matroshka carcasses, but can’t get the taste of genocide out of your mouth? Do you prefer your gravy guilt free? Then for those select few of you, please, indulge me in a quick (revisionist) history lesson:
You know how to make a movie where the Indians win? You take any old western, and you run it backwards.
If it’s true that history is an agreed upon fiction, than ours is the most gruesome horror story ever told.
Now that we that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s get on to “giving thanks.” There are a few things I’m genuinely thankful for:
- I’m thankful a thoughtful, well spoken man I actually respect is going to be disappointing me for the next 4-8 years.
- I’m thankful for never having to think about Sarah Palin ever again. Except for when I do. Because she won’t go away.
- I’m thankful that while I am the poorest person I know, I’m not the poorest person in the greater Los Angeles area, statistically speaking.
- I’m thankful I have somewhere to go, something to eat and no pending federal indictments, statistically speaking.
- But the thing I’d be most thankful for? A rewind button.
Sadly, that is not to be and we might as well make the most out of an unfortunate situation. So go ahead, enjoy yourselves. Watch some football and if you get tired of that, watch some apropos episodes of Gilmore Girls. Or The O.C., if you’re so inclined.
By all means, eat, nap and be merry! Just try not to lose sight of the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Can you blame me?
Fiction:
Stranger Than Fiction:
I’m not sure what this says about me, but that is exactly how I feel every time I see this man:
All I want to do is shave him, possibly all over.
Gravy Robbers? More like heart robbers. Because Zach Galifianakis stole mine. Then fucked it.
I always thought it was standard knowledge that “meh” originated, or at least catapulted to common use because of The Simpsons
Here’s hoping “juh” is next!
If only aging were this easy.
How long do you think it takes to get business cards printed up?
I am SOOOO lapidated right now
(via migthegreek.com)
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the men and women entrusted with our public safety.
Important Lesson #1: The next time you get high and start freaking out, think twice before you call the police. The responding officer might be tripping Schweddier balls than you. Plus, he has a gun.
Hey man, we’ve all been there. Trust me. But we’re not all cops. Unless I’ve been wrong about who reads this site all along, and it’s not eight desperate friends with nothing better to do, but eight L.A.P.D. officers on their lunch break, possibly while stoned.
I know police offices are not fully trained EMTs and as such do not have the breadth of medical knowledge one might hope for, and of course, I realize the paranoia inducing effects of marijuana, but it’s important to keep the following in mind:
It has been estimated that a person would have to smoke a hundred pounds of marijuana a minute for fifteen minutes in order to induce a lethal response.
Have anything else to say on the matter? Just leave me a note.
What’s that? Am I forgetting something? Oh, right. Sorry, I’m a little out of it.
Important Lesson #2: Cops have the best fucking weed.
A Neglected Demographic
If clubs played more music like this, there’d be a lot more lonely, misanthropic dudes sobbing quietly in the corner.
Whatever I like indeed.
It’s a sailboat!
The human brain is a preposterous machine. That mine strives so earnestly, and succeeds, in ascribing a story to an image this simple, is as wondrous as it is terrifying. What other stories must have been spun from less cloth?
Maybe I should cut religious folk some slack. Oh, right.
Forget I said anything.
I’m straight spittin’ gold up in this piece
Sound familiar?
After all, when Putin, safe in his
MordorMoscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see? Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower.
Also, my google fu may not have been strong enough to find this a few weeks ago, but in the end I’m glad I didn’t.
Or else I wouldn’t have bothered with this.
I knew the joke was obvious, but I’m mostly just shocked my photoshop skills are slightly superior to, well, anyone’s.
So there you have it, folks. Proof that this website is at least as worth your time as ten seconds of Real Time with Bill Maher or one of 60,000 pages at BestWeekEver.tv.
Well, I guess that’s enough backslapping. It’s time to get back to work. Because we’re all business here.
Correction
I’ll ask again: is it stupid to think stupid people are stupider than they really are? Sad? Definitely. Cruel? Maybe. But stupid? I think not.
Earlier this week, it was reported that the Republican Vice Presidential candidate was not aware that the second largest landmass on Earth was not a country, but a continent. This is simply not true.1 In fact, Gov. Palin is only functionally retarded. We regret the error.
- What remains true, is that she was, in no conceivable way, qualified to be the President of the United States, or for that matter Governor of Alaska. Also still true: it bordered on treason for a man that old to pick a woman that dumb. [↩]
The reality of Prop. 8
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