It’s not rape if she’s already dead.

Michael Ian Black recently riffed on rape. Prompted by response to a comment he made on twitter1 he descended into a defense on rape as fodder for comedy. Furthering his argument, he quotes Sarah Silverman and in turn demands to be quoted himself.

When you combine rape and Anti-Semitism in the same joke, I’m sorry, you’ve done something right.

- Michael Ian Black

This offends me. Not because of all the rape, or even the racism, but because it’s clear how effortless this rant was for Mr. Black. I fucking toil at this shit right here.

In an attempt to imitate and flatter,2 I present to you one of my favorite rape jokes, or jokes about rape jokes (and a bonus for your troubles), also from a talented female comedian, Morgan Murphy.

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Good thing I don’t have an office job.

  1. I finally think enough of you (enough=4) actually know what twitter is, relieving me of the imposing task of trying to explain it in a footnote. []
  2. But mostly just imitate. []

Alright Japan, you win.

This may well be, as some have claimed, the “Second Golden Age of Television” bestowing serialized fiction with a level of public favor and attention it hasn’t enjoyed since Dickens’ day. But, just as China stands poised to pick up the burning embers of our economy, possibly for use in a fireworks display, Japan seems likely to inherit the mantle of cultural arbiters.

For all our Shakespearean HBO novels, we have nothing on this.

(via Michael Alan Nelson @ kung fu monkey)

Based on little else besides the fact that while Japan is responsible for some of the sickest, most depraved and most diverse1 pornography your feeble mind could ever fathom, they only recently got over their centuries-long hangup with pubic hair, it’s safe to assume the land of the rising sun is one of contrasts.

There is still some speculation as to the reasons why.

The Non-Adventures of Wonderlla

Assuming it was our nukes, it’s possible there was at least one good thing to come out of it. Common among the Japanese and Chinese is a mutated gene that produces an enzyme necessary to metabolize alcohol. This mutation leads to a quick build up of an alcohol byproduct, meaning the onset of a “hangover” occurs after just one or two drinks.

This presents another contrast because, while depriving the nation of the joys of a magical elixir, which numbs you to the horror of modern existence at the small cost of some years off your life, a life which would hardly be worth living without your sweet, sweet medicine, it also shields them from the ravages of alcoholism.

But not an organized crime syndicate taking over their economy, 39-year-old men posing as little girls, eerie, lifelike little girl robots, little girls slitting each other’s throats, a thunderdome-like island for little kids or a suicide forest.

You’re welcome?

  1. If you have a fetish, if no one else can help, and if you can live with yourself, maybe you can watch the Japanese do it on film. []

Two women on the internet I would gladly marry.

First, a cyborg Paralympic athlete and fashion model.

Second, a lady I assume to be a college student who, by participating in an impressive counter-protest,1 proves she just might hate Shirley Phelps-Roper as much as I do.

  1. Not to mention showing proper deference to our dark lord. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fhtagn! []

I would gladly work an office job if it was exactly like this.

(via molls)

Truer words, my friend, have yet to be spoken

Alan Moore, eat your heart out

What with so-called “dark” comics being all the rage, I thought I would show you some truly dark comics.

Make your own.

Fact: this is the perfect comic strip.

Everyone should just stop making comic strips now.

And finally we get to the elephant in the room. I still haven’t seen Watchmen1, partly out of laziness and bad timing and partly due to my previous concerns, but if it’s half as good as this, I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

  1. Nope. I won’t do it. []

The final countdown

So I have about four months until dementia sets in. It was nice knowing you all. Or not. What the fuck do I know, I’m about to lose my mind. Try not to take it personally when I spit that tapioca pudding you’re trying to feed me in your face and call you a whore.1

  1. Unless you’re a prostitute I hired in a rare and fleeting moment of lucidity, in which case, get back to work! []

Look who just got you fired!

From the makers of Desktop Tower Defense comes The Space Game

While in principle it’s in the same genre of ‘Tower Defense’, the goal is no longer just keeping enemies from passing by, but actually staying alive.

This didn’t get too hard until the last level where I had to drastically change strategies, but it was fun throughout, and it’s probably a good thing that it’s not quite as addictive as DTD.

Greetings from Narnia!

According to this L.A. Times map, I don’t live in Los Angeles. While technically true, I feel they could at least put a name to this mysterious “space between spaces” I find myself in.

Too bad I don’t live in Mid-City. Where it’s a fucking party.1

  1. Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. []

Go directly to fail.

I may suck/blow at Trivial Pursuit, but am apparently quite lucky when it comes to Monopoly. Surely, a useful skill in these tough economic times.

Now if I can just win second prize in this beauty contest, I’ll be all set.

Don’t call it a comeback

So my geriatric computing machine wasn’t working for the better part of a week, hopefully explaining my conspicuous absence.1

But, after days of tinkering with the infernal contraption and inserting and tweaking various widgets and doodads2, I finally managed to get it up and running. At three in the morning.

Now, a sensible, fully functioning adult would probably just thank Ammun-Ra and Wotan, brush their teeth, possibly rub one out3 and call it a night. An awesome motherfucker on the other hand, would just stay awake for the next 17 hours.

After spending more than six of those hours catching up on news and feeds and podcasts from the past four days, it occurred to me that I had no idea what I had done to finally fix my computer. The final solution, as it were,4 was something that I could have sworn I tried as soon as I realized there was a problem.5

In the midst of banging around firefox and laughing inconsolably at the state of reality television, I had a scary thought.

What if I never fixed anything.6

For a very uncomfortable fifth of a second, I doubted my own sanity enough to consider the possibility that I was sitting at my desk banging away at my keyboard and stifling my laughter, in front of a blank screen.

And people say computers rot your brain.


  1. “He was gone?” “Yeah just play along.” []
  2. Who knew a computer’s nipples were called doodads? []
  3. As tribute to Ammun-Ra and Wotan. []
  4. Yep. I made a computer holocaust joke. []
  5. If only the same could be said for Hitler. Alright, I should probably stop. I have Jewish friend(s), I swear! []
  6. M. Night Shyamalan, you have met your match. []

I am Skeletor, spawn of the Hell Beast!!

There is a theory circulating out there that whatever season of Saturday Night Live you started watching regularly will always be the one you regard as the best.

This theory holds out pretty well as long as you discount all episodes hosted by Alec Baldwin:1

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  1. Just try to ignore the cackling, spackle-faced girl that wandered in from her junior high talent show. []