Which One?

Which One?

Which one?

Rape Jokes: A How-to Guide

No:

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Yes:

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Dear Suckers,

ATTN: To the three (and a half1) people who visit this site on at least a semi-regular basis: you no longer have to wait to tell me how brilliant/ignorant/beauteous I am to my face; comments are now enabled.

This ain’t easy folks2 but I do it for you3 and don’t forget, these pearls of wisdom come free of charge4; so settle in, tell your friend(s), and leave me a racist, threatening note.

If not now, when?

  1. You know who you are. []
  2. Sadly, this is not easy. []
  3. Well, not you exactly, but let’s not get bogged down in semantics here. []
  4. A policy which I may have to rethink given the rising cost of hot pockets. []

Well and fucking nigh.

Well and fucking nigh.

Guess what movie/sign of the eschaton opens in theaters tomorrow?

You see what you want to see.

You see what you want to see.

Humans, I would like to briefly address the notion that Sen. Obama was “rude” during the first U.S. presidential debate in Oxford, MS. The two main claims being that he was constantly interrupting Sen. McCain and that while he eventually referred to his opponent as “Senator McCain,” initially, he addressed him simply as “John1,” a sign of disrespect in general, but one that would seem even more improper, given the location of the debate in the South2.

I know there may be dire consequences, but to hell with them; I call shenanigans.

Could it be the despite the formality of the occassion and the somber tone of the last few weeks in the U.S., that Sen. Obama was trying to engage in the debate as a conversation between two men, peers and equals, who happen to be coworkers? Or do you always introduce Larry from Accounting as “Vice President of Financial Affairs3?” Could it be that after half an hour of constantly being told he doesn’t understand things he clearly does, Obama simply started to “get the hint” as it were?

As for cutting off Sen. McCain, it seemed that the majority of the interruptions were in direct response to John’s attacks against Barrack. Besides, how could McCain interrupt someone who wasn’t there?

I’m referring of course, to the fact that Sen. McCain refused to look at Sen. Obama. I don’t mean he couldn’t look him in the eye because of all the stunt politics he had pulled during the week prior, I mean he literally could not gaze upon him. It was as if he were afraid his face would melt off4 or he would crumble to dust before our very eyes5.

Seriously?

I will, however, reluctantly admit there is something to be admired about the Judo like manipulation and savagery of the Republican party. Not only did they have the balls to throw up the least relevant Republican figure head, “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Guiliani6 in the place of “America’s MILF,” Gov. Palin, but one of his main talking points involved ridiculing Barack Obama for agreeing as much as he did with John McCain.

Yeah! Who does that son of a bitch think he is? Treating us with civility and not trying to blindly demonize us7. That’s not how we do things in Amuhrica!

They are trying (and probably succeeding to some extent) to spin one of Obama’s strengths, his diplomacy, his (engineered or not) compassion, into something worthy of ridicule.

The bottom line is that given McCain’s behavior, he acted with a surprising level of grace and humility, or if you’re not willing to go that far, he at least regarded his opponent as a human being. Don’t think for one second that I’m one of those people who think he is the Lord risen8, but if he gets shit on for basically being nice to a confused old man, who as far as I can tell we are not at war with, then something is wrong with us, not him.

Which brings us to tonight’s Vice Presidential debate. What’s the word for anticipating something greatly, while at the same time being terrified that words will be uttered that are so embarrassing, so inappropriate and pathetic, that everyone who hears them will instantly become dumber and less human as a result, basically casting a spell on the audience? You know, like when you watch The Office. Take that and multiply it by seven hundred billion and that’s pretty much how I feel about tonight. Will Joe Biden come off as an off-putting douche? Will Michael Scott Sarah Palin shore up our economy and defeat the evil wizard that threatens the land? Stay tuned true believer!

One thing I do know, and this is not meant to even remotely imply that McCain is racist9 but the fact remains that if Joe Biden treats Sarah Palin with the level of raw, dripping contempt that McCain showed Obama he would not get out of St. Louis (with his penis) alive.

Papa Spank

I for one, can’t wait for tonight’s episode of Old, Black, White or Tits10.

  1. Would Massuh be an acceptable compromise? []
  2. TO: The South RE: The Thirteenth Amendment. Also, why do you let the media get away with calling you and everyone within a few hundred miles of you a racist. []
  3. Or at least when not trolling for ill-advised pussy come last call. []
  4. Obama’s flag pin was forged from the Ark of the Covenant. []
  5. Although, to be fair, there was a good chance that would have happened anyway. []
  6. Remember when you and Hillary Clinton were the front runners? Good times. []
  7. You know who acts like that? Demons. []
  8. Jesus was neither a gentlemen nor a scholar. []
  9. At least no more than the average cantankerous septuagenarian. []
  10. I can’t believe Jim proposed last week! []

Stop talking. You’re ruining it.

Stop talking. You're ruining it.

Can someone please inform this man, that to the extent that anyone ever cared what he had to say (about things he clearly did not understand,) this is no longer the case.

Even when he has a point, no one can hear it over the din of eight years of misery and bad decisions. This is a man, that on the rare occasions when he employs logic and reason simply weakens the two by association.

We are clearly in a run-the-clock-out situation. Take a knee, stop embarrassing your team and just think of all the brush you’ll be able to clear with all your newfound free time.

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

(via BoingBoing)

Despite its alarming proximity to Russia, news of the end of the cold war has yet to reach Alaska.

This should come as no surprise, given the vast and mysterious1 landmass separating Alaska from the contiguous United States. The terrain is unforgiving and even with the swiftest steed and the fairest of weather there are still those goddamn bats to contend with. Information regarding this desolate wasteland is spotty at best, as few who enter return to tell the tale.

Which is why it seems odd to me that while much is being made of the foreign policy experience Sarah Palin gained from coordinating “trade missions” with Russia, little attention is being paid to her efforts in creating an international peacekeeping force, comprised of the Alaskan National Guard, a mixed regiment of both Wendigos and Yeti, and an assortment of Norse gods,2 in a final desperate attempt, a surge if you like, to fight off the ever present Inuit horde.

Further credit must be given to then-Mayor Palin for negotiating a successful treaty3 with the Shaman King of the neighboring Yu’kon tribe. No longer do they creep in at night and steal all the first born males4 from her town of Wasilla.5

Sarah Palin is right to question the motives of the Russian Federation when it comes to Alaska; after all, we did buy it from them less than 150 years ago.6 And can you blame her for being more than a little wary of an gaunt, imperial leader from a country known for its immortal wizards?7

After all, when Putin, safe in his Mordor Moscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see?8

  1. Here Be Dragons I’d Like to Fucke. []
  2. Little known fact: the Bridge to Nowhere was really Bridge to Asgard. []
  3. The Concordat of Tears. []
  4. No wonder no one ever worried about sex education. []
  5. The terms now stipulate that they are limited to one (1) daughter (chosen by a joint committee of local community leaders/witch doctors with parents retaining the right to further choose if they possess more than one (1) daughter of appropriate age) per square mile, every six (6) years, to be taken only after reaching menarche. That ought to keep your knees closed, girls. []
  6. No takesies backsies, comrade. []
  7. It took, what, five attempts to finally kill RasPutin? []
  8. Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower. []

Comfortable & Furious

A thoughtful and studied commentary on the current American economic landscape by Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

This is the new Norm MacDonald at Bob Saget’s Comedy Central Roast. America is divided over whether to find this funny or not1.

Look at where the status quo and politics as usual have gotten us: AIG, Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, some other things I don’t understand, I’m sure. Is it not time for a change? Hmm? Spencer?

Let the healing begin.

(via dooce)

  1. America is only like 35 dudes on the internet, right? []

How good is your “approximate number sense?”

How good is your “approximate number sense?”

Test your intuitive math skills.

I can easily imagine a situation where the fate of your balls rests on you knowing, after a brief glimpse, whether there are more marbles of one variety than marbles of a second variety, can’t you?

At one point, I was convinced that I blew it1, and as a result was going to have most of my human rights revoked2, but I ended up doing a little bit better than average3.

In any case, this is fun, in the squirming, nervous way anything testing supposed basic cognitive skills can be said to be fun. So really, the most fun you’re likely to have today. Enjoy!

1 Which should really mean you did something in the most awesome way possible.

2 Of the six that are left.

3 Of course that might just be luck, but why don’t you shut up instead.

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

The Greater Evil.

It’s about damn time


Charles Darwin: 200 years from your birth, the Church of England owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still. We try to practise the old virtues of ‘faith seeking understanding’ and hope that makes some amends.”

Rev. Dr Malcolm Brown

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

This was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it involved witchcraft and turning people into rats. And yet, it was still a more believable story than this.

Which brings to light an emerging pattern. Besides the absurdity of the current political season, there is at least one other thing that I can’t seem to stop thinking about: adults masquerading as children, a phenomenon which actually makes some sense.