A Spa and a Facial: The Secret of the Ooze.

Guys, have you ever wondered or lamented why your life isn’t more like porn? Why casual sex isn’t always lurking around the corner? Why fellatio isn’t a required course in nursing schools? Why when your girlfriends catch you cheating they scream and yell and leave you instead of the much more logical not to mention agreeable act of joining in? And of course the most obvious, most glaring discrepancy, why women don’t worship our ejaculate for the sweet life giving nectar that it truly is? Why they aren’t particularly fond of touching it let alone, what’s the word; oh yes ‘guzzling’ it? Well gentlemen cheer up, it seems (much as I’ve suspected for years) that it’s not our fault. Women simply don’t know what they’re talking about. “It’s bitter!” “BLEARGHH!!” “YOU swallow it!” “I’m blind!!” If any of this sounds familiar gentlemen, please read on.

Here’s mud in your eye!

Let’s give women the benefit of the doubt (for about a paragraph) while we examine the situation and see if there’s any foundation to their outrageous claims. Let’s take a closer look at our sperm and see how just many homunculi we can find.

“Fructose: This is the sweetest of all the sugars and is store of food in fruit and honey. Fructose is found in high concentrations in human semen where it is oxidized to provide the energy for the migration of spermatozoa in the female tract.” Fruit and honey! HONEY.

Perhaps there is some other nefarious, toxic agent that completely overwhelms the sweet taste of honey? What else resides in this here primordial brine? Well, I’m glad you asked! There are various hormones that we’ll get to shortly, ascorbic and citric acid, magnesium, sodium, various enzymes along with trace amounts of several other choice ingredients. Then of course there are the sperm cells themselves, industrious little buggers if ever there were any. Surely they couldn’t account for any negative effects; they’re just little Olympic swimmers, heads safely ensconced in helmets. And even if somehow, virtually bare, motile, raw genetic material did taste unpleasant it only accounts for roughly 10% of the solution. Surely if there is a problem it lies elsewhere.

Well now that we’ve dissected nature’s fruit juice and found only good things let’s give women the benefit of the doubt again (for just one more paragraph) and see if despite the fact that the ingredients seem fine, there are any adverse affects to this seemingly nutritious elixir.1

Psychologist Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York published a study that firmly (but gently) supports claims that several forward looking visionaries such as the fine sexperts at Redbook have been espousing for quite some time: “In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely.” Hello! Is there anything it can’t do?

In the study, women who use condoms during intercourse were compared to women who don’t and Gallup found that the condomless women had considerably lower levels of depression. The main agents that seem to be at work here are certain mood-altering hormones including but not limited to testosterone, oestrogen, folic-stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone. According to Gallup, other variables which could in theory be responsible for the mood alteration were eliminated as having any affect. And while this study was concerned with vaginal contact and absorption of semen, the evidence suggests that several of these chemicals survive the process of digestion and are still able to confer their benefits when taken orally.

The benefits of semen are not entirely without cost as we shall now discover. The longer women in the no-condom group went without sex the worse they felt. This did not apply however to their counterparts in the condom group. “… this suggests, in the simplest terms, that semen is a drug, and that it’s addictive: Women go through a kind of withdrawal when they stop getting it.” Screw sperm banks, I think I might just go into business for myself. How much do you think I could get for a dime bag of spunk?

And before you start screaming that I’ve dealt yet another blow to the weakening moral fabric of our society by advocating ‘questionable’ behavior in women, keep this next little tidbit in mind. “Oddly enough only married or monogamous women showed the benefits. Those with multiple partners showed no beneficial effects or even reported detrimental effects.”

It seems the potential hormonal benefits require hormonal constancy. When the ‘diet’ in question consists of the seed of various men the hormonal make-up is too varied for any benefits to take place. Now that’s competition! From an evolutionary standpoint this makes perfect sense. Upon being granted access to the female body the last thing a sperm cell wants to encounter is a rival sperm cell. I hear the gears turning. “But aren’t there already millions of rival sperm cells that arrived with this one?” Yes, yes there are and our little explorer isn’t too fond of them either. But think of it as a basketball game. Everyone wants to score, as much as possible but they all know that not everyone will, and it’s much more desirable to let a showboating teammate hog all the glory than bickering so much you let the other team score. After all when everything is said and done, even the bench warmers get a championship ring.

Also it appears that several of these beneficial effects require a different type of constancy. “The ones who received the results were the ones who ingested semen four to five times a week or more!” Now that exclamation point is theirs not mine. Frankly I see little reason to exclaim such a modest and frankly reasonable proposition.

So, a quick review if you will: tastes great, less filling and several health benefits. It’s not only part of a balanced breakfast, it is a balanced breakfast. You’ve got your protein, you’ve got your carbs, you’ve got your vitamins and minerals, not to mention hormone supplements, cancer suppressants, mood enhancers, and you’ve even got some calcium thrown into the mix for good measure. Now personally, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like something you’d order from Jamba Juice2.

Fellow Y-chromosomers, if your lady-friend won’t have anything to do with your spunk, fret not. You know who will? EVERYONE ELSE! No, I don’t mean that your particular paramour is the only creature in creation who doesn’t love the taste of human seed, but rather human women in general seem to be out of the loop. I propose a wager fellas. The next time you’re trying to grace the world with the gift of your haploid cells save some, hell save it all if you’re so inclined. Once you have what you deem is ‘enough’ leave it out somewhere and return to it in one day. I bet you there’s none left. And on the small chance there is any, you can rest assured it will be accompanied by all kinds of interesting fauna.

Surely we can take a small measure of comfort in the knowledge that some animals do in fact appreciate the gift of a free meal. Is it time we (or at least the females of the species) tried to learn something from our distant insect cousins?

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Killer Mike respectfully responds in the affirmative.

In my various travels and travails (read: trashy men’s magazines, trashy women’s magazines and classy online porn star interviews) it seems that only the aforementioned adult film actresses ever seem or claim to actually enjoy the consumption of this wondrous ejaculatory mixture. The very few ‘non-professionals’ who do partake of it make it seem like they’re indulging us this peculiar, peccant request. Well surely with all this evidence at hand that’s not the most reasonable attitude to take, now is it? Couldn’t it just as easily be argued that it is in fact men who are granting the favor (and not a small one at that)? Just food for thought.

Remember folks, it’s what’s for dinner.3

  1. Superpowers don’t count. []
  2. I’ll be rich! []
  3. Don’t fight it. []

Obscure pop culture reference mixed with impotent wordplay.

Pretty sure I would sit through ninety minutes of this.

This final season is a bit of a departure.

So it’s come to this.

This ad won’t stop running in L.A. Its creators are implying either that Poizner is so stupid he accidentally donated money to the wrong candidate or that to ever support any politician not of your party is grounds for immediate dismissal and ridicule.

I know nothing about Steve Poizner or Meg Whitman or Californian politics in general but this ad is so stupid it makes me want to vote for Poizner straight away. Beyond how insulting this reasoning is, even the most depraved teabaggers can’t have already forgotten who the alternative was.

Because I’m needy for her boobies.

Presented without comment.

You have to turn it off then turn it back on again.

This show has come up in conversation recently and this is my case for it. I heard many good things about The IT Crowd, primarily from my close personal friend, Internet and finally gave in after the second season. While not as disappointing as Red Dwarf, another, albeit older, British cult favorite, I was not that impressed. It wasn’t bad, just a little too Big Bang Theory for my tastes. I stuck around because, well honestly, what else do I have to do?

On the whole, I’m glad I did. The highlights of the show are clearly the two Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace alumns, Richard Ayoade and Matt Berry, but the rest of the cast is still fun in their own pasty way.

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South Park did it!

I’m also relieved the American version with Joel McHale was squashed because it would have deprived the world of this:

Tim Tebow clearly doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

The IT Crowd in a shell of nuts:

You’ve got yourself a stew going!

It’s not the best British sitcom I watch, possibly not even in the top five, but it absolutely hit its stride in season three.

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I’m sold. At least enough to keep watching and get to Father Ted soon.

Try some today. If you’re so inclined, at least.

  1. I’ll miss you guys! KIT []
  2. BIG BANG LORRIE! Alright, I think it’s out of my system now. []

Are we having fun yet?

Now we are. I got to level 28 with over 20 challenges completed when firefox crashed and lost all my progress. This game is fun but not so fun as to warrant all that. Pretty sure I cheated a bit too.

Algebra: The Game (Based on the popular motion picture).1

Deconstructed Tetris sort of.

And this is the final exam at the Jedi academy. Scores will be posted Monday.

  1. Hey, if Dante’s Inferno can be a game… []

Fifty bucks says it’s Creed.


Because someone told me I should post something already.

Mazel Tov!

So Say We Some, Brother

Wait, do I even know Spanish? Also, very sneaky.

Humans, I’m so excited. Can you tell? I can hardly contain myself.

Lost begins it’s final season tonight! And just in time too, I was getting a little tired of writing all that steamy slash. In case you need a little refresher course, let me catch you all up real quick.

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The most intriguing aspect of this show has always been it’s very porous genre. One minute, terse psychological drama, the next straight horror, the show can’t seem to make up its mind. Or rather, it did so slowly, America, like the proverbial frog in boiling water, just didn’t notice. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have basically tricked everyone into becoming nerds.1

So, a nation of nerds waits impatiently for their mindfuck to come to a satisfying conclusion. As the show is both winding down and speeding up, I for one welcome our new smoke monster overlords.

It’s been speculated and some would say confirmed that the writers behind Lost had no fucking clue what they were doing, just blindly making shit up as they went along. When I first heard this I was a little disappointed. I presume I wasn’t alone.

Then I actually stopped and thought about it for a second. Why the fuck would I be disappointed? What is it that would lead you to feel cheated when a writer(s) doesn’t know exactly how they’re going to end their story from the start? It’s holding writers up to a ridiculous standard.

You know what other show’s creator pretty much admitted he made up a bunch of shit as he went along? Battlestar Galactica.

I think Ron Moore knew what he wanted to say about the genre, about the state of the world, and he knew the themes he wanted to explore.

‘We take as a given the idea that the traditional space opera, with its stock characters, techno-double-talk, bumpy-headed aliens, thespian histrionics and empty heroics has run its course, and a new approach is required,’ it began. ‘Call it “naturalistic science fiction.”’ There would be no time travel or parallel universes or cute robot dogs. There would not be ‘photon torpedoes’ but instead nuclear missiles, because nukes are real and thus are frightening.

Good enough, Moore, Ron2. So, of course he and his staff didn’t know exactly what would happen to every character, how could they if characters that hadn’t yet been created ended up becoming central figures to the story? Art is a process of discovery. Does every novelist knows the very last sentence before they write the first word?3 Not only would that be an absurd way for everyone to write, but serialized fiction is a completely different animal.4

Which is all just a longwinded way of saying I’m really looking forward to the last season of Lost. I heard it’s going to be just nuts.

The spin-off looks pretty good too.

  1. There’s always room for |e| more. []
  2. Sorry, Mrs. Ron. It won’t happen again. []
  3. Shuuuuut uuuup, Updike Irving. []
  4. It’d be like comparing polar bears and Kodiak bears. []

A Literally Apocalyptic Tragedy

Folks, I know I normally don’t do this, but I’d like to get a little serious here. There is an unspeakable tragedy developing in one of the most backwards and impoverished areas of the western hemisphere. I’m speaking, of course, about NBC1.

The quickest rundown I am capable of: NBC, afraid that Conan might leave for another network, offered him The Tonight Show six years ago. Leno, for whatever reason, accepted the arrangement. As the appointed hour drew nearer, Leno started to get antsy and realized he did not, in fact, want to retire. NBC, afraid he might leave for another network, offered him a prime time comedy show, five nights a week at 10pm, effectively obliterating almost a third of their prime time programming. This did not bother NBC because a one hour comedy show is much cheaper to produce than virtually any scripted show. This new (idiotic) and revolutionary (greedy and cynical) move proved a failure as no one tuned in to the new show. Now, NBC afraid to lose either comedian, has proposed that Leno move back to 11:35 for one half hour, Conan be pushed back to 12:052, Jimmy Fallon following suit at 1:05 and Carson Daly learning to embrace the freegan lifestyle. This was not amenable to Conan. And this is where things stand.

NBC, trying to defend its shoddy treatment of O’Brien says its basically Conan’s fault. While it is true that if The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien were a ratings monster none of this would be happening, it is a “specious argument” to say that this is all happening because Conan’s ratings are too low. Fuck Dick Ebersoll in his lying mouth. I’m sorry, that was probably too harsh.

The problem is not The Tonight Show‘s ratings. They were low, but not unreasonably so for a fledgling show. The problem is the horrible ratings for The Jay Leno Show. Actually, that’s not even true. The real problem is the horrible ratings for the local news on NBC affiliates. The real problem is there was one highly coveted show and, at least as far as NBC was concerned, two qualified men who wanted it. And instead of being a man and comitting either way, NBC tried to have an unholy threesome where it fucked everyone else fast and hard and then had to get up early the next morning for a meeting.3 NBC’s solution: create two Tonight Shows.4

Unlike a lot of Conan fans5 who have complained about this debacle and yet didn’t follow him to the 11:35 slot, I stuck around. I missed two episodes in October and possibly one in December, but those few marks against me aside, and of course, taking into account the literally thousands of episodes of Late Night with Conan O’Brien I’ve seen over the years, I think I, an avowed Conhead, possess some expertise on the matter.6 People say that he’s not as funny as he used to be, that he dumbed down his comedy, and I disrespectfully disagree.

Conan on Late Night was clearly in the vain of his predecessor, Letterman, the previous late night scandal holder. Conan on the The Tonight Show was clearly inspired by the man who made that show what it is, Johnny Carson. It was more spontaneous than Leno and less zany than Letterman. It was its own.

Did the show’s tone change in the transition? Absolutely and quite obviously, so again, fuck Dick Ebersoll in his lying mouth. Many of the best parts of Conan’s old show were skits involving a sizeable chunk of the writing staff, notably Brian Stack (Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time, The Ghost Crooner, The Interrupter), Jon Glaser (Pubes), Brian McCann (Preparation H Raymond, S & M Abe Lincoln), Kevin Dorff (well, everything else) and, of course, Rober Smigel (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Clutch Cargo). The idea for the new show was to ease into that and give the audience time to adjust to Conan before they had to deal with the likes of the Fed-Ex Pope and Cactus Chef Playing ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ on the Flute. Can you blame them? But Conan, with Andy Richter’s help, was still up to the task of entertaining us while we fuck and/or brush our teeth.7

While the skits may not have been as funny as in the past, pound for pound Conan is still the best, most quick witted interviewer around. Not as boring as Leno, or as mean as Letterman, or as hard to understand as Ferguson, more charming than Kimmel and funnier than Fallon, Conan is just plain good at his job. Stephen Colbert may one day give him a run for his money, but the constraints of his persona and the kind of of guests best suited to The Colbert Report, ensure CoCo comes out on top.

The important thing to remember here is that Leno didn’t succeed right out of the gate. He consistently lost his time slot to Letterman, because, for a short blessed while, everyone else seemed to realize how cheap and safe and unfunny he was. Until a British actor just had to get a beej from a hooker. But NBC let Leno figure out his own unique flavor of tepid mediocrity. It’s just a shame that Leno and NBC could not afford Conan the same courtesy.

If they erred too much on the side of caution, so be it. If they confused and scared flyover country, fine, give them time to fine tune, but don’t tell me they didn’t consider “middle America.” So which is it? Is it too commercial to be good or is it too crazy for your precious Demonites?8 He’s damned if he does and he’s damned if he does thirty minutes later. I guess Conan’s just too beautiful and strange for this world.

You will not find a single professional comedian, with one glaring and half-hearted exception, that will tell you Leno is funnier, or even a better talk show host than O’Brien. Every other late night talk show host, besides those who are scared they might lose their jobs, are on #teamcoco.9 Even his competition, Letterman, is on our side. Granted, there is some bad blood between him and Leno,10 and the cynic in me suspects he’d rather have the weaker competition11, but he’s had some of the best zingers at Leno’s expense these past few days.

In fact, you know what I’d really like to see even though it would be as pointless as it was reckless? Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Greg Daniels, Amy Poehler, Jim Gaffigan, Marc Maron, Jeff Garlin, Jack McBrayer, et al., people that (in my head at least) are friends and supporters of Conan, all coming together to at least publicly state how fucked up NBC’s handling of this situation has been.12 How NBC13 is just a shortsighted moron ruining anything it gets too involved in, a giant, backstabbing bully that doesn’t even know what it wants.

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But don’t just take my word for it.

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Although, I’m pretty sure Conan is polling higher than Barry these days.

So, it looks like tonight might be the last episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.14 If not tonight, then next week will almost certainly be Conan’s last. Who knows what NBC will air until the Winter Olympics, but when that’s over with, Leno will regain control of The Tonight Show.

If Leno, at the height of his powers was perfect and beat Letterman every night, fine. But let’s see how he does after that all that severe brain trauma he mysteriously incurred. How else to explain this.

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I guess Dick Clark’s not the only uncomfortable to watch stroke victim in late night.

And this is what someone has to spell out for me. If Leno had such abysmal ratings at 10, and he admitedly changed absolutely nothing from his version of “The Tonight Show”, why is everyone all of a sudden going to tune in to the exact same show at a later timeslot? Does America just hate Leno while they’re still digesting their dinner?15 Is there some strange alchemy that occurs at 11:35 on NBC that creates ratings gold?

Clearly not.

I love the magical and wishful thinking that leads NBC executives to think that it’s the timeslot and not the comedian that’s the problem. Hey, Jay Leno, we’re done with you. The future is now, old man! I know it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe America outgrew you. Also, does NBC not anticipate some sort of backlash when Leno resumes his duties as The Tonight Show host? Sure, Jay still has his fans, in nursing homes across the country, but even they know a raw deal when they see one.16

What will ultimately befall Conan? Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine. I see great things just on the horizon.

Is that a FOX I spy?

Although, for purely selfish reasons, I do hope he stays in Los Angeles. I never got to see him in New York and I squandered the scant seven months I had with him. I’m sorry Conan, much like America, I took you for granted. You never really appreciate what you have until it’s gone.

Here’s hoping this was all just an elaborate plot to drive up Conan’s ratings. Where’s Hugh Grant when you need him?17

Fo’ life

  1. Sorry Haitians. Text ‘haiti’ to 90999! []
  2. Effectively making it the first hour of an even longer Today Show. []
  3. Probably with Comcast. []
  4. Fucking King Solomon over here. []
  5. Who still, in theory, have every right to their slightly less informed opinions. []
  6. That’s going right on my resume. []
  7. The next morning. Thank Fuck for DVRs. []
  8. People from Des Moines. Hey, if you have no demonym, you can’t complain. []
  9. Which is pretty unfair, since I’m pretty sure #teamjay is Mavis and whatever NBC intern taught Mavis what a twitter was. []
  10. Double granted, it is warranted bad blood. []
  11. Which assumes Conan is now the weaker of the two. []
  12. C’mon Funny or Die, get on that. []
  13. No Breaks for Conan. []
  14. No Mo Tonight Sho For CoCo? []
  15. Where exactly does Fourth Meal™ fit into this? []
  16. Assuming their glaucoma medication is working. So, if they’re not too high. []
  17. Sarah Palin just wasn’t enough this time. []
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