The Eternal Question

Heidi Montag of the apocalypse The Hills appeared in Playboy recently.

I can’t think of anyone younger than me that I have a more intense distaste for besides her spider demon husband. Having said that, I would still totally rub one out to her spread. So to speak.

Is this a failing of the human spirit or its greatest triumph?

Just a sophisticated lady and her pram, so what?

I may have sold my soul for a Family Size box of Hotpockets and there may be a lump of coal1 where my heart used to be, but this video got me. This video made me gay. Not the dick in my mouth, but this video.

Now, I know she was trained to do this. She didn’t see her owner pushing around a stroller and think “I gotta get me some of that sweet bipedal action”. It’s a dog not a monkey. Still, color me adorabled.

  1. Try all our bold new flavors! []

What is the best thing? This is the best thing.

(via videogum)


Monkey See, Monkey Whale Vagina

These guys know how to party.

On a completely unrelated note, here is a deleted scene from Anchorman that was just released online.

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Somebody’s clearly been bored.

I see many zings in your future.

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This is pretty damn accurate. Although, to be fair I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, a California Bureau of Investigation or the fact that the Santa Barbara in Psych has a higher murder rate than 1870s Deadwood.

Let me be Frank

Henry Waxman is alright as far as Congressmen go, but Barney Frank is something else.

(via The Rumpus)

What with this and the Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults Act I think I see New Bedford in my not too distant future.

Serial killers are just getting lazy

Where’s the Love for Al’s Pancake World?

I’m not going to lie, when I found out Jimmy Fallon was slated to replace Conan O’Brien I was perplexed, disappointed and insulted1.

I have tentatively changed my mind2.

Jimmy Fallon is no Conan, but unlike Conan when he took over “Late Night” in 1993, Fallon actually has on camera experience3, so the bar during the first few months was set higher. If The Tonight Show era Conan invokes Carson more than Leno, then Fallon brings to mind Carson’s unsuccessful successor David Letterman. Just nowhere near as funny4.

But, to his credit, Fallon and his cohorts are very much experimenting with the form. Episodes frequently feature a segment that is nothing more than 6 minute surreal game show with audience members as contestants and cash and t-shirt prizes.

The show is at its weakest when Fallon flounders with a guest he has no rapport with. He’s not as nimble as his peers who can, to varying degrees, save even the most boring interview. But, surprisingly, despite his comedic shortcomings, the interviews highlight Fallon’s greatest strength: his likability. All that inappropriate laughing that ruined so many skits on SNL, and made a handful even better, in a more relaxed setting, is actually charming. One hopes his wit catches up to his charm and not the converse.

The show’s head writer A.D. Miles, an established and underrated comedian who you’ll recognize from virtually every The State alumnus project, Wet Hot American Summer, The Ten, and most recently Role Models as just a few examples, will hopefully keep the show steered in that direction.

Proof that it’s working.

Some straight truth, to be had here.

  1. Also, horny. I’m guessing. []
  2. He just doesn’t do it for me anymore. []
  3. If you can call corpsing at pretty much everything Horatio Sans and Will Ferrell do or say experience. []
  4. Or, to be fair, cruel. []

Art Imitates Trash

This looks pretty good. Except, of course, Harvey Levin is nowhere near as classy as Ron Jeremy.

Don’t Worry Be Mindblown

This has been everywhere the past few days and I’m mainly posting it just so I can constantly watch it more easily.


Funny People finally looks good now that they’ve stopped marketing it as a sappy love story with Eric Bana as the cuckolded villain1.

And not to put down Messrs. Rogen, Hill and to a lesser, more washed up extent, Sandler, but Aziz Ansari is by far the most appealing thing about this movie. Until now, that is.

Jarrett Grode, the comic whose joke was upgraded, was in Judd Apatow’s sophomore television effort Undeclared. He’s popped up in the occasional web short. He’s been doing stand-up for over a decade now. But what I will always remember him for was a series of ‘zines2 he wrote, in the late 90s, basically as a child.

An excerpt:


1. Think For Yourself!!!!
3. Don’t Kill People!!!!!!
4. One Time This Guy Told me To Go To The Back Of The Line Because I Was Cutting But I Think He Said It Because He Was Racist!!!!!!!
5. Murderers Don’t Belong In Prison!!!
6. Drum Harder!!!!!!!!
8. Die Mall Security Guard! DIE!!!!
9. Free Political Prisone Charles Manson!!!!

And here he is helping readers out with some vocabulary.

Pugilist: boxer

Don King: Pugilist means boxer! Two words for one concept! Only in America!

Knowledgeable polyglot: Synonyms are common to every language.

Don King: (evading taxes)

Here’s hoping the magician in Funny People doesn’t get his scene cut!3

  1. Can’t decide between a “you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry”, reliable but dated and possibly confusing (fucking Ed Norton), or a “the man can clearly hold a grudge” with maybe a “FIRE EVERYTHING!!!” crammed in there somewhere. Oh wait, neither. The right answer is neither. []
  2. I didn’t know senile octogenarians just made up words. []
  3. Or if he does that at least he shows up in the next Harry Potter movie. []

Even I’m not this lazy.

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I sympathize completely with Red Bull GmbH. I’m offended by the comparison too. After all, at least alcohol makes you feel good.