Rickumentary

Guess who, through a intricate and completely plausible series of events, now has a documentary film crew following him around 24 hours a day? They just started filming on Friday but they’ve already whipped up a quick teaser and have graciously let me post it here.

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My computer is basically my new tv though.

I know those convertor box coupon’s cost the government more than they bargained for, but at this point, what with the hours of technical support I’ve been providing, I should really be getting a cut.

I know in 40 years I’m going to be complaining about those punk kids on their damn hoverboards who won’t get off my virtual lawn and I’ll secretly be paying one of them to teach me how to log on to the MISTernet.1

But if I ever get as inept and easily confused as, well pretty much every single one of my blood relatives well, just make it quick.

Ray Kurzweil, don’t fail me now.

  1. Just kidding, in 40 years I’ll be yelling at those damn serf kids pulling their oxen who won’t get off my patch of gravel. []

Please excuse the mess

So I was updating WordPress and that Tumblr theme I was using is really old and well, you know how the internet is a series of tubes? Well something got stuck.

Everything should be in working order in a few days. Any suggestions?

Also, not to put any pressure on you guys, or even for a moment compare this hot mess to a legitimate, professional, put together, consistent, and intentionally hilarious website, but if this site got comments like this I might be inclined to post more often.

Just sayin’.

A note to the amorphous mass of individuals and cocaine habits collectively known as Hollywood.

This guy, yeah this guy:

is 29 years old. Please stop casting him as a high school student. I know he’s a handsome fellow and youthful to boot1, but this is ridiculous.

He’s been playing a high school student for 10 years. The ten years since he GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. I get that actual high school students probably can’t pull off everything older actors can, but cut the guy a break. I’m only 27 and I barely remember what high school was like.2

Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, him too:

Just kidding Jonah, I still love you. Stay strong, I mean fat. Don’t give in like Rogen did.

  1. Hell, I wouldn’t gaykick him out of gaybed for eating gaycrackers. []
  2. In my day we didn’t have any “sexting”. We had to write sexnotes by hand on this thing called paper and we had to pass them in class and hope the other students didn’t get suspicious about all these notes you kept passing to the teacher. I guess that’s still the same. []

Think Sleazier.

Dear Parole Board Members,

We are writing to you today to speak on behalf of one of your parolees, Vince Han. It is our conviction that he has been thoroughly reformed and has not only paid his debt to society but proven himself a valuable and contributing member of it. We submit the following as proof.

He’s hard at work stimulating the economy.

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He remains a staunch political activist.

And a leader in his community. What may at first seem like a trivial accomplishment, winning the Southwest regional Mario Kart Championship, is in fact further evidence of the kind of man Vincent has become. What you first need to understand is the wonderful outreach programs Mr. Han is involved with, taking it upon himself to bring video games and other after-school activities to underprivileged children in his neighborhood. Not only giving them a safe place to go while keeping dangerous influences at bay, but like his mentor before him, even taking his kids out for a bite to eat.

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This year has seen a lot of growth and change in his personal life as well: from moving into a new apartment, getting a big promotion at work, not to mention performing admirably as his brother’s Best Man and of course, finally meeting that special someone of his own.

As to the crime itself, surely where the letter of the law clearly prohibits and explicitly states the immorality and cruelty of it, the spirit of the law has better things to do than concern itself with one (at least) indiscretion with a goat.1

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

  1. Sure, the zoo had a large sign reading “Don’t fuck the goats.”, but that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. []

The student has become the master (of space explosions).

So, Star Trek was pretty good. Not as good as all the hype. There were certainly a few ways the film could have been better, but overall it was the best rebooting since Batman Begins.1

It fully captured the spirit of the franchise,

While adding some 21st century panache.

Of the over 700 episodes of various Star Trek shows that have aired, I would bet you ten kilos of dilithium crystals2 that I’ve seen over half of those and I had no problem with the plot. The story did exactly what it needed to do in order to get a few more movies out of the deal and there remains no doubt that J.J. Abrams can direct the fuck out a summer blockbuster. Not to mention cast a movie quite well. The two leads were surprisingly good.

And even though John Cho never once got to say “Romulans on the viewscreen, Captain.” and didn’t have much of a back story, he knew what he was doing.

But I did have a problem with another castmember. Baby Chekov was cute and all but when it comes to overblown J.J. Abrams3 space operas, I prefer my precocious Russian science heroes a bit more refined.

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I’m basically just overjoyed that a guy who used to be a lowly writer for Michael Bay spectacles, albeit the most spectacular, is now directing those very same spectacles and is clearly so much better, smarter and more nuanced than his former mentor.

Get ‘em, J.

  1. And until Darren Aronofsky remakes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Or RoboCop. What’s that? []
  2. That shit gets you FUUUUCCKED UP. []
  3. Whether as director or writer. []

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like Yi?


(via Rob Huebel)

Did I stutter? Knock ’em out!

stanley hudson totally looks like punch outs doc louis
see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Undisclosed bunker offers little protection from nuclear zings.

If 3,000 Americans had been killed on your watch, in an attack that could have been prevented, perhaps you’d be a little hesitant to accuse anyone else of endangering America. And if you had advocated torture, and the torture produced false information that you used to mislead America into an unwise, unjust and unwarranted war, you might be a tad sheepish about defending the use of torture.

Not Dick Cheney.

Paul Begala

Merry New Christmas!

Folks, let me you tell you about a special guy. He’s got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood! His name’s Shawn and he’s dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.

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Sure he may not be the brightest guy or the most attractive or thoughtful or pleasant smelling, but he’s in very good company.

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Jordan, Jesse, Go!


TwotwotwotwotwopurplepurplepurplepurpleNUT!

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Which is not to say that he’s without his quirks and fetishes, but look how far he’s come.

From this:

To this:

Yep, I’d say he’s one of my finest creations.

A Waste of an ‘M’

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I’m embarrassed to get this.

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And to find it slightly amusing.

This is what you all sound like.

More coming soon, in the meantime just stick some provolone in your socks at night so they’ll smell like mediocrity in the morning! Alright? Alright.