You always hurt the ones you love.

You always hurt the ones you love.

She made me hit her.

In case you’re not aware of the insanity, I think I may have just found my Halloween costume.

Scientific fact: the flyer is the most effective means of communication

Scientific fact: the flyer is the most effective means of communication

This is a thing that is real.

Review time:

If we somehow did elect an America hating madman, hell bent on destroying the “very fabric of democracy,” short of lobbing some nukes on his first day of office, he could hardly do a better job than this guy. A man without hope, is a man without fear.

Also, I sympathize, as I too, have a middle name derived from a barbaric Middle Eastern mythology. It’s Hebrew. Stay strong brother.

(image via Warren Ellis)
(video via Deus Ex Malcontent & boingboing)

  1. Also, so many people have forgotten about 9/11. Looking around, it’s like it never happened. You’d never know. []

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

(via BoingBoing)

Despite its alarming proximity to Russia, news of the end of the cold war has yet to reach Alaska.

This should come as no surprise, given the vast and mysterious1 landmass separating Alaska from the contiguous United States. The terrain is unforgiving and even with the swiftest steed and the fairest of weather there are still those goddamn bats to contend with. Information regarding this desolate wasteland is spotty at best, as few who enter return to tell the tale.

Which is why it seems odd to me that while much is being made of the foreign policy experience Sarah Palin gained from coordinating “trade missions” with Russia, little attention is being paid to her efforts in creating an international peacekeeping force, comprised of the Alaskan National Guard, a mixed regiment of both Wendigos and Yeti, and an assortment of Norse gods,2 in a final desperate attempt, a surge if you like, to fight off the ever present Inuit horde.

Further credit must be given to then-Mayor Palin for negotiating a successful treaty3 with the Shaman King of the neighboring Yu’kon tribe. No longer do they creep in at night and steal all the first born males4 from her town of Wasilla.5

Sarah Palin is right to question the motives of the Russian Federation when it comes to Alaska; after all, we did buy it from them less than 150 years ago.6 And can you blame her for being more than a little wary of an gaunt, imperial leader from a country known for its immortal wizards?7

After all, when Putin, safe in his Mordor Moscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see?8

  1. Here Be Dragons I’d Like to Fucke. []
  2. Little known fact: the Bridge to Nowhere was really Bridge to Asgard. []
  3. The Concordat of Tears. []
  4. No wonder no one ever worried about sex education. []
  5. The terms now stipulate that they are limited to one (1) daughter (chosen by a joint committee of local community leaders/witch doctors with parents retaining the right to further choose if they possess more than one (1) daughter of appropriate age) per square mile, every six (6) years, to be taken only after reaching menarche. That ought to keep your knees closed, girls. []
  6. No takesies backsies, comrade. []
  7. It took, what, five attempts to finally kill RasPutin? []
  8. Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower. []

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

Mother steals daughter’s identity; poses as cheerleader

This was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it involved witchcraft and turning people into rats. And yet, it was still a more believable story than this.

Which brings to light an emerging pattern. Besides the absurdity of the current political season, there is at least one other thing that I can’t seem to stop thinking about: adults masquerading as children, a phenomenon which actually makes some sense.



One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we’ll need a new definition.”

Alvin Toffler

Armin Tamzarian’s reign of terror is over.

Armin Tamzarian’s reign of terror is over.

Christopher Chance, or the Human Target, is a DC Comics character, later given a Vertigo ongoing series written by Peter Milligan. An actor/detective/bodyguard, Chance could impersonate virtually anyone, needing only some prosthetics and the time to study the lives they lead. His “clients,” or personalities, ranged from an imposing African-American preacher to a Major League baseball player. The series obviously dealt with the issues of identity and so remains a favorite of mine.

It posed a particular question that has always fascinated me: can a human being be reconstructed only through secondary sources? Say you died$this->footnoteID(‘1’,’ ‘)and your body, for whatever reason, was not retrievable$this->footnoteID(‘2’,’‘). In this hypothetical, there exists a machine capable of transferring thoughts into a waiting body$this->footnoteID(‘4’,’‘). If your family, loved ones and enemies were interviewed and all your belongings catalogued$this->footnoteID(‘5’,’ ‘)and rifled through and the resulting glut of information was set to percolate in this machine, could the resulting product be called “you$this->footnoteID(‘7’,’‘)”?

Human Target only ran for three years, but it managed to stay fresh and end on a satisfying note in 2006. Which is why I was so surprised when I discovered last week that it was based on a true story.

This New Yorker article is almost prohibitively long to read online, but it is such a sad and bizarre story that it’s worth it. The jist? Up until his thirties, a Frenchman named Frédéric Bourdin assumed the identities of dead or missing children all around Europe and later in the U.S., and got away with it, at least for a while. He did this several times. He fooled schools, orphanages and even families. So I guess the moral of the story is anyone in your life can be a French impostor and you’d have no way of knowing. Sleep tight everyone$this->footnoteID(‘8’,’‘).

1 Better yet don’t. If you don’t say it out loud, it might not happen. That’s how it works, right?

2 Autoerotic defenestration is no joke. The more you know$this->footnoteID(‘3’,’‘).

3 The less you care.

4 Hobos finally found their calling.

5 Even those. Especially those. Could a life without your SpongeBob anal beads even be called living$this->footnoteID(‘6’,’‘).

6 Gives a whole new meaning to SquarePants.

7 Answer: probably.

8 Don’t let the punaise des lits bite.

(via kottke)

Casting Reality

(link to video)

A reality show about people whose main aspiration in life is to be on a reality show. This might even be more meta than my idea for a reality tv show where there’s no money at stake and every one is just there to make friends. The season finale is just people literally throwing each other under buses.

I better hurry up and pitch it to VH1$this->footnoteID(‘1’,’‘).

1 The house that shame built.

(via videogum)

Man Sues God

Man Sues God

This is from The Onion right? Will they issue a bench warrant for YHWH?

The Most Victimless Crime?

The Most Victimless Crime?

Is harm a necessary component of crime? If I steal your wallet$this->footnoteID(‘1’,’ ‘)but return it with twice the money I found$this->footnoteID(‘2’,’ ‘)would you make a ruckus? If I break into your house$this->footnoteID(‘3’,’ ‘)in order to fix your leaky faucet$this->footnoteID(‘4’,’ ‘)am I going to the hooskow? I just had a chilling$this->footnoteID(‘5’,’ ‘)thought. Anyone know what extradition laws are like in the North Pole$this->footnoteID(‘6’,’‘)?

1 Illegal.

2 Charity’s still legal right?

3 A crime.

4 Not a crime?

5 Foreshadowing.

6 Sleepy six-year-olds don’t make for reliable witnesses$this->footnoteID(‘7’,’‘).

7 Six Seven footnotes for 62 words. I think I broke my own record.

(via BoingBoing)