Change you can believe in taking home to your mother

The internet has been a bit quiet lately. A little too quiet, if you ask me. I don’t know if it was something I said, but there’s been a dearth of animal hijinx or videos of drunk girls dancing in their underwear lately.

Could this be due to one of the few remaining pieces of America’s soul being taken out back to the ridiculous shed and slapped in the face with irony’s dick? Who’s to say. I’m just reporting the facts on the ground. Far be it from me to opine needlessly1.

With all that in mind, however, I present to you a welcome respite from hitting yourselves in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer soaked in Tabasco sauce: a video I could have easily made myself2, that seems appropriate given the state of the nation.

America, vote for Dave. He may have douchey friends, be kind of poor, and probably a latent homosexual, but he’s still more qualified than Princess Mooseburger3.

  1. By the way, when the hell did I become this interested in politics? John Stewart, I blame you. If only he had stayed in the movie business. []
  2. If I had ambition, friends or a camera. []
  3. We would have also accepted Caribou Barbie []


(via videogum)

Gossip Girl’s second season premiered tonight on the CW. If you missed the first season, this is as good a recap as any. I’m proudbarrased to get every reference in this.

This show is not as good as exective producer Josh Schwartz’s first show, the O.C.; then again it’s not as bad as the O.C. either. As you might have gathered, we have a soft spot in our hearts here for average things, of which this show is a prime example.

Is it silly? Yes. Is it another transparent excuse for disgustingly beautiful people to sex each other up on television? Absolutely. Is it confusing to wonder how the narrator is supposed to be an actual human being that basically just follows this one group of people around at all times and feels compelled to write cryptic and dramatically appropriate posts on a blog that can arguably be called even more niche than the one you’re currently reading1? I don’t even remember the question. Is the show basically just rich white folks enjoying their money? If you’re going to let something like that bother you, I suggest you never open a history book ever again.

So if you don’t like shows where decapitation is covered by most HMOs, or if you really want to know what life must be like for exactly sixteen high school students in Manhattan, or even if you’re just really racist and are offended that the Brandon Walsh character is now black there are worse ways to spend the Monday nights when all your “friends” are busy, all the hookers you usually call are “out of town” and you just don’t feel like dealing with the mess of cutting yourself.

In the end, I can, in all good faith, give the show a resounding endorsement: there’s nothing wrong with this show that isn’t wrong with probably just about everything else you like and/or do. Make of that what you will and proceed accordingly.

Chris Keller’s work here is done.

  1. Well, not really. []

I have no idea how they could top this!

This commercial for the 19th$this->footnoteID(‘1’,’ ‘)season of Prison Break looks promising.

1 Has it really been that long?

Who knew libertarianism was so delicious?

Don’t fight it. Just let the desperation wash over you. Accept you can do nothing to change the ridiculous world you were born into. Let your ego die a quiet, dignified death and as your will seeps out of your body and you can no longer tell where You stop and the Universe begins… hit play and PUMP UP THE VOLUME…and be reborn.

I hereby nominate this for Official Summer Jam of ’08. Leona Lewis, you got served.

What would Klondike do?

Do you have a friend like this? Are you sure? Think carefully. No? Well, then it’s probably you. At least now you won’t be confused when people tell you to stop being such a klondike.