A Spa and a Facial: The Secret of the Ooze.

Guys, have you ever wondered or lamented why your life isn’t more like porn? Why casual sex isn’t always lurking around the corner? Why fellatio isn’t a required course in nursing schools? Why when your girlfriends catch you cheating they scream and yell and leave you instead of the much more logical not to mention agreeable act of joining in? And of course the most obvious, most glaring discrepancy, why women don’t worship our ejaculate for the sweet life giving nectar that it truly is? Why they aren’t particularly fond of touching it let alone, what’s the word; oh yes ‘guzzling’ it? Well gentlemen cheer up, it seems (much as I’ve suspected for years) that it’s not our fault. Women simply don’t know what they’re talking about. “It’s bitter!” “BLEARGHH!!” “YOU swallow it!” “I’m blind!!” If any of this sounds familiar gentlemen, please read on.


Here’s mud in your eye!

Let’s give women the benefit of the doubt (for about a paragraph) while we examine the situation and see if there’s any foundation to their outrageous claims. Let’s take a closer look at our sperm and see how just many homunculi we can find.

“Fructose: This is the sweetest of all the sugars and is store of food in fruit and honey. Fructose is found in high concentrations in human semen where it is oxidized to provide the energy for the migration of spermatozoa in the female tract.” Fruit and honey! HONEY.

Perhaps there is some other nefarious, toxic agent that completely overwhelms the sweet taste of honey? What else resides in this here primordial brine? Well, I’m glad you asked! There are various hormones that we’ll get to shortly, ascorbic and citric acid, magnesium, sodium, various enzymes along with trace amounts of several other choice ingredients. Then of course there are the sperm cells themselves, industrious little buggers if ever there were any. Surely they couldn’t account for any negative effects; they’re just little Olympic swimmers, heads safely ensconced in helmets. And even if somehow, virtually bare, motile, raw genetic material did taste unpleasant it only accounts for roughly 10% of the solution. Surely if there is a problem it lies elsewhere.

Well now that we’ve dissected nature’s fruit juice and found only good things let’s give women the benefit of the doubt again (for just one more paragraph) and see if despite the fact that the ingredients seem fine, there are any adverse affects to this seemingly nutritious elixir.1

Psychologist Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York published a study that firmly (but gently) supports claims that several forward looking visionaries such as the fine sexperts at Redbook have been espousing for quite some time: “In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely.” Hello! Is there anything it can’t do?

In the study, women who use condoms during intercourse were compared to women who don’t and Gallup found that the condomless women had considerably lower levels of depression. The main agents that seem to be at work here are certain mood-altering hormones including but not limited to testosterone, oestrogen, folic-stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone. According to Gallup, other variables which could in theory be responsible for the mood alteration were eliminated as having any affect. And while this study was concerned with vaginal contact and absorption of semen, the evidence suggests that several of these chemicals survive the process of digestion and are still able to confer their benefits when taken orally.

The benefits of semen are not entirely without cost as we shall now discover. The longer women in the no-condom group went without sex the worse they felt. This did not apply however to their counterparts in the condom group. “… this suggests, in the simplest terms, that semen is a drug, and that it’s addictive: Women go through a kind of withdrawal when they stop getting it.” Screw sperm banks, I think I might just go into business for myself. How much do you think I could get for a dime bag of spunk?

And before you start screaming that I’ve dealt yet another blow to the weakening moral fabric of our society by advocating ‘questionable’ behavior in women, keep this next little tidbit in mind. “Oddly enough only married or monogamous women showed the benefits. Those with multiple partners showed no beneficial effects or even reported detrimental effects.”

It seems the potential hormonal benefits require hormonal constancy. When the ‘diet’ in question consists of the seed of various men the hormonal make-up is too varied for any benefits to take place. Now that’s competition! From an evolutionary standpoint this makes perfect sense. Upon being granted access to the female body the last thing a sperm cell wants to encounter is a rival sperm cell. I hear the gears turning. “But aren’t there already millions of rival sperm cells that arrived with this one?” Yes, yes there are and our little explorer isn’t too fond of them either. But think of it as a basketball game. Everyone wants to score, as much as possible but they all know that not everyone will, and it’s much more desirable to let a showboating teammate hog all the glory than bickering so much you let the other team score. After all when everything is said and done, even the bench warmers get a championship ring.

Also it appears that several of these beneficial effects require a different type of constancy. “The ones who received the results were the ones who ingested semen four to five times a week or more!” Now that exclamation point is theirs not mine. Frankly I see little reason to exclaim such a modest and frankly reasonable proposition.

So, a quick review if you will: tastes great, less filling and several health benefits. It’s not only part of a balanced breakfast, it is a balanced breakfast. You’ve got your protein, you’ve got your carbs, you’ve got your vitamins and minerals, not to mention hormone supplements, cancer suppressants, mood enhancers, and you’ve even got some calcium thrown into the mix for good measure. Now personally, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like something you’d order from Jamba Juice2.

Fellow Y-chromosomers, if your lady-friend won’t have anything to do with your spunk, fret not. You know who will? EVERYONE ELSE! No, I don’t mean that your particular paramour is the only creature in creation who doesn’t love the taste of human seed, but rather human women in general seem to be out of the loop. I propose a wager fellas. The next time you’re trying to grace the world with the gift of your haploid cells save some, hell save it all if you’re so inclined. Once you have what you deem is ‘enough’ leave it out somewhere and return to it in one day. I bet you there’s none left. And on the small chance there is any, you can rest assured it will be accompanied by all kinds of interesting fauna.

Surely we can take a small measure of comfort in the knowledge that some animals do in fact appreciate the gift of a free meal. Is it time we (or at least the females of the species) tried to learn something from our distant insect cousins?

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Killer Mike respectfully responds in the affirmative.

In my various travels and travails (read: trashy men’s magazines, trashy women’s magazines and classy online porn star interviews) it seems that only the aforementioned adult film actresses ever seem or claim to actually enjoy the consumption of this wondrous ejaculatory mixture. The very few ‘non-professionals’ who do partake of it make it seem like they’re indulging us this peculiar, peccant request. Well surely with all this evidence at hand that’s not the most reasonable attitude to take, now is it? Couldn’t it just as easily be argued that it is in fact men who are granting the favor (and not a small one at that)? Just food for thought.

Remember folks, it’s what’s for dinner.3

  1. Superpowers don’t count. []
  2. I’ll be rich! []
  3. Don’t fight it. []

Point taken, Universe

Alright, alright, maybe it is time I start working out some more.