Ding ding! The answer is yes.
In all but the most technical sense, I don’t have a father, so clearly this holiday means even less to me than most.
But I will admit I always wondered what it would be like. What I missed out on, someone to teach me how to shave, tie a tie, dodge the draft and other valuable life skills.
Basically, someone to show me what it is to be a man.
I’ve never even met my father, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw this exact recreation of what I always hoped our first encounter would be like.
Not sure what to get good ol’ dad this fathers day? Why not get him the greatest gift a father can ever recieve?
Happy Whacking Day everyone! That’s right, May 10th is officially learn-a-lesson-about-not-exterminating unseemly-species-possibly-from-soul-legend-Barry-White-day. I mean if we’re going to celebrate Festivus, why not? It’s a holiday no more ridiculous than any other. Unsure how to celebrate? These nerds have an idea:
That is highly offensive, Amazon. I have much better things to do with my time than play World of Warcraft.1
Seriously though folks, snakes are no joke. Most of the time.
- Obviously. [↩]
- You will almost certainly regret seeing this. Also, it takes a while to load, so you still have some time! [↩]
I’m pretty sure Easter stole its whole egg motif from Mother’s Day. Which is today by the way. Not sure what to get the creature that hatched you? These nerds have a horrifying suggestion:
Although, at that price you’d be a fool not to jump on that. So to speak.
It is definitely not easy being a mom. No one appreciates you.
You’re somehow now held responsible for every little thing that might happen to your kids.
And it’s even worse if you’re a single mother.
So, take some time today and think of where you’d be without your mother. Successful and content, but you couldn’t really appreciate it.1
- That really is a great price. [↩]
Happy Completely-arbitrary-mad-scramble-to-prove-to-strangers-that-you’re-not-as-desperate-or-lonely-as-you-feel Day!
Here’s what I’m NOT doing this Valentine’s Day:
Here’s what I MIGHT do this Valentine’s Day:
Love is hard work you guys.
Which is why I’m so grateful to have you in my life, faceless stranger reader this.
Things may get pretty hectic Internet, but you know how I really feel.
I know Halloween is supposed to be scary all about spookin’ kids and summoning forth evil, but this is going too far.
Condolences all around. Today is a day of mourning. It is also a day of celebration, commemorating a narrow victory over an unsuspecting continent, honoring a kindness and compassion that Western Civilization has yet to return.
But who gives a fuck about that, am I right?
Yes, this holiday, like most of its brethren, is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to cancerously consume everything in sight. Which is of course, all too fitting. For all the talk of humility and family and similar puritanical virtues, today amounts to a paean, not to gratitude, but to obesity, and of course, one day later, to capitalism. Raise a glass! To gluttony!
But wait. There might be a slight problem here. Are you human enough to be a little bothered by your ancestors’ bloody legacy, but American enough to just want to get your grub on? Do you want to savor your set of nesting matroshka carcasses, but can’t get the taste of genocide out of your mouth? Do you prefer your gravy guilt free? Then for those select few of you, please, indulge me in a quick (revisionist) history lesson:
You know how to make a movie where the Indians win? You take any old western, and you run it backwards.
If it’s true that history is an agreed upon fiction, than ours is the most gruesome horror story ever told.
Now that we that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s get on to “giving thanks.” There are a few things I’m genuinely thankful for:
- I’m thankful a thoughtful, well spoken man I actually respect is going to be disappointing me for the next 4-8 years.
- I’m thankful for never having to think about Sarah Palin ever again. Except for when I do. Because she won’t go away.
- I’m thankful that while I am the poorest person I know, I’m not the poorest person in the greater Los Angeles area, statistically speaking.
- I’m thankful I have somewhere to go, something to eat and no pending federal indictments, statistically speaking.
- But the thing I’d be most thankful for? A rewind button.
Sadly, that is not to be and we might as well make the most out of an unfortunate situation. So go ahead, enjoy yourselves. Watch some football and if you get tired of that, watch some apropos episodes of Gilmore Girls. Or The O.C., if you’re so inclined.
By all means, eat, nap and be merry! Just try not to lose sight of the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
I had a brilliant, if a bit ghoulish, yet delightfully simple idea for a costume this year:
- A noose, a bandana, and a Pomona or Amherst sweatshirt, tennis racket optional.
I’m a generous guy; if I had friends or someplace to go we could even coordinate:
- A bottle of Jack Daniels, some heroin (real or fake, whichever’s easiest), a guitar, and a knife through the heart.
- A glass bottle of milk, a loaf of bread and some sort of portable oven.
- An old-fashioned dress with pockets stuffed full of rocks, maybe a prosthestic nose and a soaking wet wig.
- A full white beard, an electro-shock therapy machine, a sword and/or fishing rod, and a shotgun.
- A flannel shirt, a dirty blond wig, more heroin, a guitar, and a shotgun.
- A white Stetson, oversized glasses, perpetual cigarette dangling from the lips, several buttons of peyote (possibly fashioned into some sort of crude necklace, again real or fake), a typewriter and a
shotgun.45 caliber handgun.
Oh well, there’s always next year. Besides, with the state of the world the way it is, I’m sure there’ll be at least one new costume for us in 365 day’s time.