Laughter: The Deadliest Medicine?

Have you seen this clown? (On the left.)

Ventura, CA – Beloved local clown, Chippy, is officially missing, police report. He was last seen with a Mrs. Megan Maxine Suddeth-Rodriguez, AKA Maggie Suds, AKA Gina Shemensky, last Tuesday. Chippy, apparently of Irish decent, is just the latest in a string of missing and murdered mirth makers.

Authorities are seeking Mrs. Suddeth-Rodriguez for questioning in connection to several of the clown cases.

A teacher by trade, Suddeth-Rodriguez was recently subject to disciplinary review after some trouble with an unruly student.

The class clown, no doubt.

Could this be what finally sent her over the edge she had (probably) been precariously perched over for years?

Delilah McJewstein, a coworker, had this to say. “She was always really quiet, kept to herself. She seemed totally normal. Besides thinking she had a personal relationship with the 2,000 year old corpse of a swarthy carpenter and thinking he would talk to her and tell her how to live her life and appear to her all the time. Like I said, totally normal.”

An anonymous tipster provided us with this exclusive childhood picture. Perhaps it provides a glimpse into the mangled and swollen psyche of a madwoman?

A long time dealer friend acquaintance, who prefers to remain anonymous, worried he might have played a small part in starting this serial clown killing spree. “I hope it has nothing to do with that friend I brought over to her home.”

“Or the birthday present I sent her the other day,” he added.

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Neighbor and self proclaimed “psychic / licensed hair dresser / air conditioning repairwoman to the stars”, Tangina Barrons, had the following cryptic stanza as a comment.

These be just the first of many,
won’t be through ‘til seven ‘n twenty.

Readers will of course remember the first missing clown, George W. Bush Dracula Bubbles, eventually found stung to death1 in nearby Channel Islands National Park.

He will be missed.

Why so serious? Oh, right.

Was that dwarflock right? Is this the beginning of a culling of the clowns? Who will stop this Klown Killer?2

If you have any information, authorities urge you to contact your local police station immediately.

This guy would really like to know about it.

Please, do your part.

Remember kids, you can’t spell slaughter without laughter.

Stay safe, clowns.

  1. What police refer to as “Macaulay Culkin style”. []
  2. We would have also accepted:
    Bozo Butcher
    Red Nose Ripper
    Olivia Newton John Wayne Gacy
    The Lady With Bees In Her Mouth So When She Talks She Shoots Bees At You (TLWBIHMSWSTSSBAY)
    Seltzer Slasher
    Joker Jabber
    Jester Juicer []

Think Sleazier.

Dear Parole Board Members,

We are writing to you today to speak on behalf of one of your parolees, Vince Han. It is our conviction that he has been thoroughly reformed and has not only paid his debt to society but proven himself a valuable and contributing member of it. We submit the following as proof.

He’s hard at work stimulating the economy.


He remains a staunch political activist.

And a leader in his community. What may at first seem like a trivial accomplishment, winning the Southwest regional Mario Kart Championship, is in fact further evidence of the kind of man Vincent has become. What you first need to understand is the wonderful outreach programs Mr. Han is involved with, taking it upon himself to bring video games and other after-school activities to underprivileged children in his neighborhood. Not only giving them a safe place to go while keeping dangerous influences at bay, but like his mentor before him, even taking his kids out for a bite to eat.

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This year has seen a lot of growth and change in his personal life as well: from moving into a new apartment, getting a big promotion at work, not to mention performing admirably as his brother’s Best Man and of course, finally meeting that special someone of his own.

As to the crime itself, surely where the letter of the law clearly prohibits and explicitly states the immorality and cruelty of it, the spirit of the law has better things to do than concern itself with one (at least) indiscretion with a goat.1


The Undersigned

  1. Sure, the zoo had a large sign reading “Don’t fuck the goats.”, but that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. []

Merry New Christmas!

Folks, let me you tell you about a special guy. He’s got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood! His name’s Shawn and he’s dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.

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Sure he may not be the brightest guy or the most attractive or thoughtful or pleasant smelling, but he’s in very good company.

Jordan, Jesse, Go!


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Which is not to say that he’s without his quirks and fetishes, but look how far he’s come.

From this:

To this:

Yep, I’d say he’s one of my finest creations.

Truer words, my friend, have yet to be spoken

Stay classy, bitches.

One of these lovely ladies turns two years old today and is a clumsy, ball-obsessed, rusty-crotched monstrosity that you can’t help but love, and the other is my friends’ dog.

Oh, and one of them sells delicious french desserts. Go buy some now.

So, I guess this is a thing now, three points define a plane after all. Everyone needs to stop aging before it gets out of hand.

Twenty-six Welcomes You

There are some who might say that soy sauce, no matter how sturdy and well designed the container, would surely have expired after 26 years.

Way to prove them wrong, buddy.

I got you something I know you’ve been wanting for a while now, but were too shy to ever outright ask for.

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This will only make sense to one person, and even that’s pushing it, but I’ve made peace with that.

Outta my way fuckers, I’m late for Econ.

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Happy Birthday to one or both of these individuals.

Congratulations on outrunning all would be predators. Don’t worry though, I’m getting faster everyday.