The 2008 Republican Presidential Ticket

The 2008 Republican Presidential Ticket

Never go in against a Illinois Senator when America is on the line!

Never go in against a Illinois Senator when America is on the line!

It is my sincere hope, that this presidential election will be the last time anything anyone did, preceding, during, or directly after the Vietnam War has any relevance, real or imaginary, to American politics.

Why are we rewarding men for getting caught up in one of the classic blunders? Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

Those who forget history are doomed to be imprisoned in a concentration camp by it.

Two adult tickets, that’ll be $700b.

Two adult tickets, that'll be $700b.

No wonder this campaign feels so familiar. I already saw it in the 7th grade. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t too bad either.1 At least McCain doesn’t hate Jews. He keeps keeps them as pets.

I clearly realize this would have been much funnier and possibly even popular like two weeks ago, but I kept getting distracted by more farcical events and far be it from me to be timely or wise.

Also, I’ve mostly given up on this site being about anything but politics until the election. I have no clue as to what the hell I’m going to talk about come Nov. 5th, but until then, stay gold ponyboy!

  1. This joke is so obvious I assumed someone already made it, but google didn’t think so and who I am to question the deity of the 21st century. Please accept this small token, my lord. []

Scientific fact: the flyer is the most effective means of communication

Scientific fact: the flyer is the most effective means of communication

This is a thing that is real.

Review time:

If we somehow did elect an America hating madman, hell bent on destroying the “very fabric of democracy,” short of lobbing some nukes on his first day of office, he could hardly do a better job than this guy. A man without hope, is a man without fear.

Also, I sympathize, as I too, have a middle name derived from a barbaric Middle Eastern mythology. It’s Hebrew. Stay strong brother.

(image via Warren Ellis)
(video via Deus Ex Malcontent & boingboing)

  1. Also, so many people have forgotten about 9/11. Looking around, it’s like it never happened. You’d never know. []


According to the internet, the candidate most inline with my views this election is Cynthia McKinney, with an impressive 81% compatibility. Not too far behind, at 73% is that other one, you know, the likely 44th President of the United States. At a *cough* still respectable 43% is this guy:

My acquaintance,

My acquaintance,

Dear John,

Honestly, I’m quite flattered, but I don’t know if it’s really accurate to call us “friends.” I mean we hung out a couple times sure, and I had fun, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want you, or anyone else, to get the wrong impression or anything.

I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t text me so much anymore; sometimes Barry looks through my phone and I really don’t want to screw this up. Not that he’s the jealous type, but it’s all still pretty new and I just want to avoid making the same mistakes I have in the past. *Fingers crossed!*

If you still feel like you need to talk, could you please not wait until three in the morning? It’s pretty obvious you only have one thing on your mind when you call me up that late.

I’m not saying you did it, but you know that picture of me and Barry from our trip to Hawaii that I keep in the hallway? Well, it looks like his face was burned off with a cigarette or something. Maybe it was an accident? I know you can be a little clumsy sometimes. I promise I won’t be mad; I just want to know what happened.

Speaking of Barry, I hear you’ve been asking around about him. I appreciate your concern, and I know I haven’t exactly shown the best judgment in the past, but this feels different, you know? Plus, I’m sure he’d be happy to answer any questions you might have directly. There’s really no need to drag all your friends into this.

Also, could you tell your friend with the glasses to quit winking at me all the time? She’s pretty hot, but I heard she has like five kids and her husband looks like he could kick the ever loving shit out of me and is just waiting for an excuse. I do not need that sort of mess in my life right now.

So anyways, good luck tomorrow, I hear you could use it, and just try to cool it with the “friends”, ok?


Maybe the civil war wasn’t such a bad idea after all

It’s slowly becoming clear to me that only the Republican party, with their decades long claim on religious fundamentalism, can pull off the startlingly effective strategy of literally demonizing their opponents outright. These tactics1 only start to make sense when you remember that they are intended for those whose worldview includes speaking in tongues and the laying of hands to cast out demons2. This has been the crux of the McCain campaign for the past week.

Sen. McCain’s problem is that he can’t actually come out and foment the paranoia and xenophobia that has so benefited his party in the past, but that hasn’t stopped him from unleashing his lipstick wearing pitbull to pinch sling for him. Amidst the aforementioned Gov. Palin’s impressive hatchet skills3 and McCain’s indifferent silence, cries of “terrorist” are now routine at Republican rallies whenever Barack Obama’s name is invoked. This stems from Sen. Obama’s race alleged allegiance with former Weather Underground member and current University of Illinois at Chicago professor Bill Ayers.

It seems Barack Obama’s “palling around” with a “known terrorist” is a point of “concern” for “Republicans” across the “nation4.” This fear seems totally well founded, because I know, if I were ever elected President, and one of my friends dared me to start mailing anthrax to my coworkers and appointees or to blow up the White House (without me in it), I totally would because I wouldn’t want to look like a pussy. But enough of hypotheticals, let’s look at the facts. The record clearly shows that Barack Obama did work with Bill Ayers. To blow up the Pentagon? Sadly, no. To fund Al-Qaeda? That would be really juicy, but no. To combat poverty and distribute public school grants? Sigh. Yes.

No offense to Prof. Ayers, but I’m not all that impressed with his acts of terrorism. As far as I can tell, besides the willful destruction of property, the greatest of American sins, and shutting down the Pentagon for a few days, the most his terrorist organization managed to accomplish was to blow up three of their own.5 I’m not exactly shivering in my boots.6

Let’s say that you’re still worried though, if Bill Ayers is so evil, then surely he must be currently serving a prison sentence for his crimes? No, and that’s the beauty; he no longer needs to. It’s not that Bill Ayers is currently planning terrorist action against the United States, it’s that he has the permanent taint of terrorism7 upon him. It’s not that Barrack Obama is a terrorist today, it’s that terrorism8 runs in his blood.

If that is the measure by which we judge terrorism today, then I think it’s time we faced an unpleasant truth.

We are all terrorists.

If the definition of a terrorist is anyone who wishes to create terror in a specific category of victim, with the purpose of altering the behavior of the members of that category, does this then mean that anyone who supports imprisonment and especially the death penalty as deterrents to crime is by definition a terrorist? The same question could be asked, of anyone who spanks or threatens to spank a child. Clearly the stated purpose is to terrify a specific group of people into changing their behavior. That’s what deterrence is. And given the rates at which blacks, Latinos, and American Indians, are imprisoned (and on death row), it could be argued that a good part of the judicial and penal systems in the United States constitutes a giant racist, terrorist organization. Simply looking at the numbers it becomes clear that the judicial and penal systems have achieved the segregation of black males-into-prisons-on a scale of which the KKK and their puny brethren could only dream.

- Derrick Jensen

Whether you agree with the above sentiment or not, it should be clear that terrorism is in the eye of the beholder. The average American is all for terrorism, if it’s against our enemies. If a group or “cell”, as the saying goes,9 of individuals threatened average American citizens, at home or abroad, with waterboarding or extreme rendition, there is no doubt as to what the U.S. government would call that.

On September 12th, 2001, the word “terror” split open, metastasizing over the rest of the English language.10 It was not the attacks themselves, but our response to them, that was to blame. The word has now lost all meaning, amounting to little more than a Scarlet ‘T’ that is difficult, if not impossible to shake off. John “The Smiler” Edwards aside, terrorists are the new mistresses/gay liaisons. Every future politician will have their past scrutinized not for personal transgressions, but for neighbors and babysitters who belonged to “questionable” organizations.11

We forget that if words are a form of magic, they derive their power from us. When we ignore this fact we do ourselves a great and dangerous disservice. When we let simple words and names get the better of us, they rob us, impoverish and weaken us in an already impossible world.

Words are just tools, “tools, of course, can be the subtlest of traps.”

Get thee behind me, Hussein!

Believe me, I understand. America needed a daddy after 9/11 to kiss its boo-boo and now in the midst of an economic catastrophe it needs a bogeyman more than ever.12 I don’t mean to belittle either crisis; these are valid, if not ideal, responses to the insanity of our times and fear can be a great motivator. But we have had our share of bogeymen in this country, whether it was an immigrant out to steal your job, a communist out to subvert your way of life, or a black man out to fuck your daughter and then your wife.

Tales of ghouls and monsters lurking in the dark may have served us in the past, but it is time to put away childish things. Unfortunately, not everyone seems to share this sentiment.

Either John McCain is simply brokering in fear13 to become America’s next abusive step-father, or he is genuine in his belief that Sen. Obama’s past associations pose a threat to the safety of American citizens. If we grant him the benefit of the doubt, then it looks like Sen. McCain is for meeting with terrorists with no preconditions after all, or just one I guess, that they be running for president of the United States.

Did Sen. McCain come to this information only after the scrutiny brought on by Sen. Obama’s presidential campaign? Did he knowingly let a terrorist become elected Senator of Illinois, a state with twice the population of his own? Or is that fine, just so long as he’s not President.

Senator McCain, if you truly believe Barack Obama is guilty of treason, either by association or by deed, then I implore you to do your duty and place this terrorist under citizen’s arrest when next you meet on Wednesday. You owe it to your supporters and, more importantly, to the country you claim to put first. I’ll be waiting.

Unless of course this is all just a ridiculous and desperate stunt preying on the basest and most outmoded of human instincts, in which case I would appreciate it if you stopped implying Sen. Obama is out to get us, or that it’s a crime to be Muslim (or black for that matter) in the U.S., or that all Americans are as conniving, obstinate and backwards as you.14

I’m not saying either of these men will deliver what they promise, but it seems that these are the platforms they have chosen to run on:

Which could you use more of in your life?

  1. Or is it a strategy? It’s so confusing. []
  2. Strange that all Christian demons seem to be Muslim. []
  3. Not to mention her nunchuku skills, bow hunting (from a helicopter) skills and computer hacking skills. Getting your email hacked is a form of hacking, right? []
  4. Isn’t language fun? []
  5. The solution there seems pretty clear: don’t join any terrorist organization that Bill Ayers is a member of. []
  6. I mean, I don’t own any boots, but if I did, they certainly would not be shivering. []
  7. If that’s not already the name of a gay porn movie, then the gay porn industry has failed you. Also, dibs. []
  8. re: Islam []
  9. Can someone explain to me why that is so much more ominous? It just evokes a beehive in my mind. Not exactly a terrifying image. (If you’re just reading this in the title pop-up, click through for a surprise.) []
  10. One word to bind them all. []
  11. Welcome back 1950s, it’s like you never left. []
  12. The Beast that Shouted Boo at the Heart of the World. []
  13. A truly recession proof market. []
  14. Keith Olbermann has now left my body. []

You see what you want to see.

You see what you want to see.

Humans, I would like to briefly address the notion that Sen. Obama was “rude” during the first U.S. presidential debate in Oxford, MS. The two main claims being that he was constantly interrupting Sen. McCain and that while he eventually referred to his opponent as “Senator McCain,” initially, he addressed him simply as “John1,” a sign of disrespect in general, but one that would seem even more improper, given the location of the debate in the South2.

I know there may be dire consequences, but to hell with them; I call shenanigans.

Could it be the despite the formality of the occassion and the somber tone of the last few weeks in the U.S., that Sen. Obama was trying to engage in the debate as a conversation between two men, peers and equals, who happen to be coworkers? Or do you always introduce Larry from Accounting as “Vice President of Financial Affairs3?” Could it be that after half an hour of constantly being told he doesn’t understand things he clearly does, Obama simply started to “get the hint” as it were?

As for cutting off Sen. McCain, it seemed that the majority of the interruptions were in direct response to John’s attacks against Barrack. Besides, how could McCain interrupt someone who wasn’t there?

I’m referring of course, to the fact that Sen. McCain refused to look at Sen. Obama. I don’t mean he couldn’t look him in the eye because of all the stunt politics he had pulled during the week prior, I mean he literally could not gaze upon him. It was as if he were afraid his face would melt off4 or he would crumble to dust before our very eyes5.


I will, however, reluctantly admit there is something to be admired about the Judo like manipulation and savagery of the Republican party. Not only did they have the balls to throw up the least relevant Republican figure head, “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Guiliani6 in the place of “America’s MILF,” Gov. Palin, but one of his main talking points involved ridiculing Barack Obama for agreeing as much as he did with John McCain.

Yeah! Who does that son of a bitch think he is? Treating us with civility and not trying to blindly demonize us7. That’s not how we do things in Amuhrica!

They are trying (and probably succeeding to some extent) to spin one of Obama’s strengths, his diplomacy, his (engineered or not) compassion, into something worthy of ridicule.

The bottom line is that given McCain’s behavior, he acted with a surprising level of grace and humility, or if you’re not willing to go that far, he at least regarded his opponent as a human being. Don’t think for one second that I’m one of those people who think he is the Lord risen8, but if he gets shit on for basically being nice to a confused old man, who as far as I can tell we are not at war with, then something is wrong with us, not him.

Which brings us to tonight’s Vice Presidential debate. What’s the word for anticipating something greatly, while at the same time being terrified that words will be uttered that are so embarrassing, so inappropriate and pathetic, that everyone who hears them will instantly become dumber and less human as a result, basically casting a spell on the audience? You know, like when you watch The Office. Take that and multiply it by seven hundred billion and that’s pretty much how I feel about tonight. Will Joe Biden come off as an off-putting douche? Will Michael Scott Sarah Palin shore up our economy and defeat the evil wizard that threatens the land? Stay tuned true believer!

One thing I do know, and this is not meant to even remotely imply that McCain is racist9 but the fact remains that if Joe Biden treats Sarah Palin with the level of raw, dripping contempt that McCain showed Obama he would not get out of St. Louis (with his penis) alive.

Papa Spank

I for one, can’t wait for tonight’s episode of Old, Black, White or Tits10.

  1. Would Massuh be an acceptable compromise? []
  2. TO: The South RE: The Thirteenth Amendment. Also, why do you let the media get away with calling you and everyone within a few hundred miles of you a racist. []
  3. Or at least when not trolling for ill-advised pussy come last call. []
  4. Obama’s flag pin was forged from the Ark of the Covenant. []
  5. Although, to be fair, there was a good chance that would have happened anyway. []
  6. Remember when you and Hillary Clinton were the front runners? Good times. []
  7. You know who acts like that? Demons. []
  8. Jesus was neither a gentlemen nor a scholar. []
  9. At least no more than the average cantankerous septuagenarian. []
  10. I can’t believe Jim proposed last week! []

V.P. of Zings

Charlie Gibson has now interviewed Sarah Palin more thoroughly than John McCain ever did.”

— Paul Begala

The Next President of the United States

The Next President of the United States

1,461 Days of Night.

(via warren ellis)

Yes, Pecan.

As always, don’t mind me, I’m just fashionably late to the party.

This should not be a news story. That the same can be said for 85% of all news stories is beside the point.

Let’s sum up. The “left” is mad at a “leftist” publication for making fun of the way the “right” typically makes fun of the “left,” Obama in particular, in such a way that the intent might not be clear1. Or to put it another way, rich white people are afraid poor white people will not get the joke2, other rich white people are worried that if the connection between Obama and all these negative stereotypes keeps getting made, regardless of how rich or smart the white person is, it will begin to take hold in their oh-so-pliable brainmeat, while yet a third group finds it patronizing to imply “middle America” will see this cover and think that either Senator Obama is in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, or that the New Yorker is stating this as their opinion.

I’m torn on this “issue.” On the one hand, John Stewart (our most important Jew) put it best when he said the only sane response from Obama would have been “Barack Obama should in no way be upset about the cartoon that depicts him as a Muslim extremist, because you know who gets upset about cartoons? Muslim extremists. On the other hand, the cartoon is, at least in theory, “difficult” because the actual target of the satire is nowhere to be seen. Is it stupid to vastly overestimate the stupidity of others? Surprisingly enough, this is a question that comes up in my life not infrequently. I leave it up to you to decide3.

  1. Simple, right? []
  2. Can a joke be told too well? []
  3. On second thought, maybe I better not. What’s this? A juice box! Where did this come from? Do you want it? Of course you do, who wouldn’t want a juice box? Here you go. You know what, I can’t remember what we were talking about either. []