We’re framing O.J.!

Like clockwork, every few years Orenthal James Simpson lowers the bar of common decency to previously unimagined depths. Just as water tends to flow downhill, so apparently, does Juice. In case you haven’t heard the news, O.J. Simpson has been found guilty of, among other felonies, kidnapping, assault and robbery, after stealing sports memorabilia he claimed belonged to him in the first place.

I only see three (ok, four) options as to what motivates this peculiar man:

  1. He is massively stupid.
  2. He feels unspeakable guilt for murdering the mother of two of his four children and yearns for incarceration like a moth seeks a flame1.
  3. He feels he’s literally invulnerable. Getting away with something you never thought you could get away with can easily go to your head2.
  4. His brother is in prison and he’s going to break him out at all costs

Don’t count out Nordberg just yet though; I fully expect to be apprised of his Supermax shenanigans in 2013. To steal a joke from Chris Rock, a word of advice to his prison wife: please don’t cheat on him.

  1. A lifelong, rapey flame. []
  2. Just ask…wait for it… George W. Bush. []