Not in Amurrica

I have basically no faith in the human race. I think almost everyone I meet is stupid, ignorant (primarily of how stupid they are), small-minded, and weak-willed. That being said, on this Fourth of July weekend, a time I would normally spend in quiet contemplation and wrist cutting, I will offer literally the only patriotic sentiment I can muster.

Americans may be stupid, but they were not stupid enough to elect their Queen.

(Zina Saunders)

Flying Spaghetti Monster Bless Amurrica.


I’ll ask again: is it stupid to think stupid people are stupider than they really are? Sad? Definitely. Cruel? Maybe. But stupid? I think not.

Earlier this week, it was reported that the Republican Vice Presidential candidate was not aware that the second largest landmass on Earth was not a country, but a continent. This is simply not true.1 In fact, Gov. Palin is only functionally retarded. We regret the error.

  1. What remains true, is that she was, in no conceivable way, qualified to be the President of the United States, or for that matter Governor of Alaska. Also still true: it bordered on treason for a man that old to pick a woman that dumb. []

The 2008 Republican Presidential Ticket

The 2008 Republican Presidential Ticket

A more apt and thoughtful comparison.

Sarah Palin isn’t Tina Fey; she’s Peter Griffin.

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(via “SoySauce” who has nothing to publicly link to, and yet still somehow manages to get through the day)

Two adult tickets, that’ll be $700b.

Two adult tickets, that'll be $700b.

No wonder this campaign feels so familiar. I already saw it in the 7th grade. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t too bad either.1 At least McCain doesn’t hate Jews. He keeps keeps them as pets.

I clearly realize this would have been much funnier and possibly even popular like two weeks ago, but I kept getting distracted by more farcical events and far be it from me to be timely or wise.

Also, I’ve mostly given up on this site being about anything but politics until the election. I have no clue as to what the hell I’m going to talk about come Nov. 5th, but until then, stay gold ponyboy!

  1. This joke is so obvious I assumed someone already made it, but google didn’t think so and who I am to question the deity of the 21st century. Please accept this small token, my lord. []

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Finally, a platform I can really get behind.

This officially brings to a close the first1 annual Sarah Palin appreciation day. Thank you for your support.

  1. And if there’s a god, the last. []

Oh no! The space time continuum!

Oh no! The space time continuum!

The same matter cannot occupy the same space!

The smartest thing to ever come out of her mouth? Todd’s dick1.

The smartest thing to ever come out of her mouth? Todd's dick.

I certainly wasn’t going to say it… so you can imagine my relief when Ol’ Joe stepped up to the plate.

(via rstevens)

1 Joke lifted from Tucker Max.

Poor Palin

I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels bad for Michael Palin.

Experience Is Key

Experience Is Key

Finally, some experience that counts for something.

President Palin

A peek at what a Palin presidency might look like.

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

(via BoingBoing)

Despite its alarming proximity to Russia, news of the end of the cold war has yet to reach Alaska.

This should come as no surprise, given the vast and mysterious1 landmass separating Alaska from the contiguous United States. The terrain is unforgiving and even with the swiftest steed and the fairest of weather there are still those goddamn bats to contend with. Information regarding this desolate wasteland is spotty at best, as few who enter return to tell the tale.

Which is why it seems odd to me that while much is being made of the foreign policy experience Sarah Palin gained from coordinating “trade missions” with Russia, little attention is being paid to her efforts in creating an international peacekeeping force, comprised of the Alaskan National Guard, a mixed regiment of both Wendigos and Yeti, and an assortment of Norse gods,2 in a final desperate attempt, a surge if you like, to fight off the ever present Inuit horde.

Further credit must be given to then-Mayor Palin for negotiating a successful treaty3 with the Shaman King of the neighboring Yu’kon tribe. No longer do they creep in at night and steal all the first born males4 from her town of Wasilla.5

Sarah Palin is right to question the motives of the Russian Federation when it comes to Alaska; after all, we did buy it from them less than 150 years ago.6 And can you blame her for being more than a little wary of an gaunt, imperial leader from a country known for its immortal wizards?7

After all, when Putin, safe in his Mordor Moscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see?8

  1. Here Be Dragons I’d Like to Fucke. []
  2. Little known fact: the Bridge to Nowhere was really Bridge to Asgard. []
  3. The Concordat of Tears. []
  4. No wonder no one ever worried about sex education. []
  5. The terms now stipulate that they are limited to one (1) daughter (chosen by a joint committee of local community leaders/witch doctors with parents retaining the right to further choose if they possess more than one (1) daughter of appropriate age) per square mile, every six (6) years, to be taken only after reaching menarche. That ought to keep your knees closed, girls. []
  6. No takesies backsies, comrade. []
  7. It took, what, five attempts to finally kill RasPutin? []
  8. Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower. []