So it’s come to this.

This ad won’t stop running in L.A. Its creators are implying either that Poizner is so stupid he accidentally donated money to the wrong candidate or that to ever support any politician not of your party is grounds for immediate dismissal and ridicule.

I know nothing about Steve Poizner or Meg Whitman or Californian politics in general but this ad is so stupid it makes me want to vote for Poizner straight away. Beyond how insulting this reasoning is, even the most depraved teabaggers can’t have already forgotten who the alternative was.

March 8, 2010 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Racist is the new black

In contemporary America, calling someone a “racist” is now the worst insult you can hurl. I suppose this is progress from claiming that someone is black being the worst insult you can hurl1.


A bunch of really good guessers.

I’ve been meaning to write something about irony and humor and what happens when people aren’t quite cunning enough to understand irony and what their reactions are but this is an altogether new wrinkle I had yet to consider: when irony is unintentionally sincere. Is even the most dripping and obvious sarcasm still sarcasm when it is factually accurate?


HAHA, so ridiculous! Hello?!? There’s a black president.2

I seem to recall going on about this at some length. It’s like you guys aren’t even listening or something!

Terrorist may still be a popular bogeyword, what with the Magneto Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial looming large, but it has a powerful contender in ‘racist’. I long for the day when ‘racist’ will have no more negative connotations than the color of someone’s hair3 not because we have eraced racism, but because we’ve all accepted how universal it is. To call someone a racist is little more than calling them human. We may differ in the degree of our humanity but at the end of the day we are all at least a little bit human4.

Now, don’t think I’m saying we shouldn’t care about racism or ignore it because it’s widespread; I just think we need better insults. If someone is a genuine RacistRacist, then surely that’s no longer an insult, it is simply true. Calling a hateful person hateful hurts them how exactly? And if they’re just racist the way we’re all racist then it is simply trivial. So what to do if a loved one or coworker or neighbor’s toddler tries to pull the sort of warped idiotic tactics in this video? Just call them a queer and see if their head explodes.

  1. If Philip Roth is to believed anyway. [↩]
  2. And to think all these baseless allegations come up today, potentially ruining the anniversary of “intern an oriental day”. [↩]
  3. As long as it’s not red. Can we start a “Hug a ginger day” to make up for any unfortunate ugliness? [↩]
  4. We all have a little human inside us. I call mine Hugo. [↩]
December 7, 2009 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

Let me be Frank

Henry Waxman is alright as far as Congressmen go, but Barney Frank is something else.


(via The Rumpus)

What with this and the Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults Act I think I see New Bedford in my not too distant future.

August 19, 2009 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

Not in Amurrica

I have basically no faith in the human race. I think almost everyone I meet is stupid, ignorant (primarily of how stupid they are), small-minded, and weak-willed. That being said, on this Fourth of July weekend, a time I would normally spend in quiet contemplation and wrist cutting, I will offer literally the only patriotic sentiment I can muster.

Americans may be stupid, but they were not stupid enough to elect their Queen.


(Zina Saunders)

Flying Spaghetti Monster Bless Amurrica.

July 5, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Undisclosed bunker offers little protection from nuclear zings.

If 3,000 Americans had been killed on your watch, in an attack that could have been prevented, perhaps you’d be a little hesitant to accuse anyone else of endangering America. And if you had advocated torture, and the torture produced false information that you used to mislead America into an unwise, unjust and unwarranted war, you might be a tad sheepish about defending the use of torture.

Not Dick Cheney.

– Paul Begala
May 21, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

I now pronounce you President and Presided.


And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid like faithfully.

In case you’re not aware of the lunacy, Chief Justice Roberts misplaced an adverb and swapped a preposition while administering the oath of office last week. Surprisingly enough, Satan has not risen from the depths of hell ushering in an new era of unspeakable misery and despair. In fact, he’s been looking rather sickly lately.

I followed this story with as much fascination and incredulity as the next guy, actually being surprised by the level of sanity present in most of the news coverage. Ignoring for a second that the sanest thing to do would have been to commit suicide on air after being told that this was a story that be should reported. I forget the anchor in question, but after the segment on this “scandal”, he editorialized, saying basically that of course Barack Obama is President adding that the oath is not a spell from a Harry Potter novel. The comparison, while apt, is not pointed enough.

This is not magical thinking, this is religious thinking.1 Well, really this is just dangerous, antiquated, backwards thinking.2

The conceit of rule by divine right seems to die hard. I get it. If you believe in a god(s), it’s tempting to think s/he/it/they approve of your choice in your leaders. So it’s hard not to think of our presidents as kings. Frankly I think Barack Obama would make a pretty decent king, but this is not medieval Europe and John Roberts is not the Pope. Jesse Jackson is, however, still the Emperor of black people.

But it makes sense that there are plenty of people out there who think it’s the oath and not the votes that make a (wo)man president. Well those people are in all kinds of luck.

You know what time it is kids?

Hypotetical Time!!!

Let’s say I had access to hi-tech futuristic spy gear.

Right as Barack Obama took his last non-presidential leak, I ambush him and take his place. Masquerading as still President-elect Obama, and waiting until the oath is completed, I rip off my mask. Would I be president?

Remember, there’s no love lost between Roberts and Obama. What if John had woken up that morning with a severe case of the fuck-its? Can the Chief Justice swear in like 50 people on Jan. 20 and they’re all President? Could Congress be the President of the United States? Wouldn’t that save some time? Could Roberts have sworn himself in? What if John McCain had slipped him a hundy earlier?

Alright children, hypothetical time is over, just bang your heads quietly on your desks.

The next day, knowing a vocal contingent of his new employers wouldn’t shut up about this3, Obama and Roberts had a do-over. But, of course, something went wrong.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Gretchen Carlson is not sure if he’s really the President. I’m not sure if Gretchen Carlson is really a carbon-based lifeform.4

So if Obama serves his term(s) and makes decisions and affects the world as President, in four or eight years, will he really have been the president if he didn’t suck all the souls out of a middle eastern book of magic? Since he won’t really have been the president, we can just open up that grimoire, say the appropriate spell, click our heels, and it will all go back to the way it was before, right?

Go ahead and keep doubting the legitimacy of the first African American president, a fact which I’m sure has no bearing on your newfound sense of civic duty. See what good it does you. Although, the more I think about it, the more sense it starts to make. After all, I heard Michelle was really holding a Qur’an. I mean it was Lincoln’s Qur’an, but still. Fine, he’s not really president.

You know who else wasn’t really president?

You’re not president because some guy in a wizard’s robe says you are. You’re president because we say you are.5

I know this story has pretty much blown over, but there are still people out there6 that will use this as justification for not only stoking their hatred for Pres. Obama and the “left”, which was going to happen regardless, but also for checking out of the political process entirely. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to check out of the political process entirely, but this is not one of them.

This is also indicative of a pointless preoccupation with words themselves, of people letting scratches on their cave walls get the best of them. I seem to recall a rather erudite fellow expounding on this somewhat recently.

We forget that if words are a form of magic, they derive their power from us. When we ignore this fact we do ourselves a great and dangerous disservice. When we let simple words and names get the better of us, they rob us, impoverish and weaken us in an already impossible world.

Words are just tools, “tools, of course, can be the subtlest of traps.”

- Me

It’s not getting any better.


(via videogum)

And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid like barnacles.

Guh. This is just demeaning to pickles.

Words don’t matter. Meanings matter. And until we can all beam our wi-fi thoughts about our latest matrix Kung Fu lesson directly into each other’s brains, in lojban of course, that will remain the case.

Words can mean more than one thing. We don’t always mean what we say. Context, body language and inflection can all alter our meanings.

THIS is the magic of language.

Never forget. They’re just words people.

  1. There’s a difference? [↩]
  2. There’s a difference? [↩]
  3. Why did you want this job again, Barry? [↩]
  4. No, I am. She’s not. [↩]
  5. With one notable recent exception. [↩]
  6. If Fox News anchors can rightfully be called “people”. [↩]
January 29, 2009 | About: • • • • • | 2 Comments 

History welcomes you, sir.


(via The Big Picture)

January 20, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Throw it down, big man! Throw it down!


(via The Big Picture)

That expectant look on the face of the guy in blue? Get used to that look Mr. President.

January 20, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Just Barely

Is George W. Bush Still President?

January 20, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Tick Tock Motherfuckers!


(via The Big Picture)

January 20, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

You don’t have to go home, but you have to get the fuck out of here.

January 20, 2009 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Correction

I’ll ask again: is it stupid to think stupid people are stupider than they really are? Sad? Definitely. Cruel? Maybe. But stupid? I think not.

Earlier this week, it was reported that the Republican Vice Presidential candidate was not aware that the second largest landmass on Earth was not a country, but a continent. This is simply not true.1 In fact, Gov. Palin is only functionally retarded. We regret the error.

  1. What remains true, is that she was, in no conceivable way, qualified to be the President of the United States, or for that matter Governor of Alaska. Also still true: it bordered on treason for a man that old to pick a woman that dumb. [↩]
November 13, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 
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