These times are still those times. Also, KAPOW!

This just in: the presidential debate scheduled for 6:00pm PST was held earlier than announced due to security concerns. It will be broadcast at the scheduled time but was taped in 1966.

Politics as usual.

(via laughing squid & rstevens )

My acquaintance,

My acquaintance,

Dear John,

Honestly, I’m quite flattered, but I don’t know if it’s really accurate to call us “friends.” I mean we hung out a couple times sure, and I had fun, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want you, or anyone else, to get the wrong impression or anything.

I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t text me so much anymore; sometimes Barry looks through my phone and I really don’t want to screw this up. Not that he’s the jealous type, but it’s all still pretty new and I just want to avoid making the same mistakes I have in the past. *Fingers crossed!*

If you still feel like you need to talk, could you please not wait until three in the morning? It’s pretty obvious you only have one thing on your mind when you call me up that late.

I’m not saying you did it, but you know that picture of me and Barry from our trip to Hawaii that I keep in the hallway? Well, it looks like his face was burned off with a cigarette or something. Maybe it was an accident? I know you can be a little clumsy sometimes. I promise I won’t be mad; I just want to know what happened.

Speaking of Barry, I hear you’ve been asking around about him. I appreciate your concern, and I know I haven’t exactly shown the best judgment in the past, but this feels different, you know? Plus, I’m sure he’d be happy to answer any questions you might have directly. There’s really no need to drag all your friends into this.

Also, could you tell your friend with the glasses to quit winking at me all the time? She’s pretty hot, but I heard she has like five kids and her husband looks like he could kick the ever loving shit out of me and is just waiting for an excuse. I do not need that sort of mess in my life right now.

So anyways, good luck tomorrow, I hear you could use it, and just try to cool it with the “friends”, ok?

Respectfully,
America

Maybe the civil war wasn’t such a bad idea after all

It’s slowly becoming clear to me that only the Republican party, with their decades long claim on religious fundamentalism, can pull off the startlingly effective strategy of literally demonizing their opponents outright. These tactics1 only start to make sense when you remember that they are intended for those whose worldview includes speaking in tongues and the laying of hands to cast out demons2. This has been the crux of the McCain campaign for the past week.

Sen. McCain’s problem is that he can’t actually come out and foment the paranoia and xenophobia that has so benefited his party in the past, but that hasn’t stopped him from unleashing his lipstick wearing pitbull to pinch sling for him. Amidst the aforementioned Gov. Palin’s impressive hatchet skills3 and McCain’s indifferent silence, cries of “terrorist” are now routine at Republican rallies whenever Barack Obama’s name is invoked. This stems from Sen. Obama’s race alleged allegiance with former Weather Underground member and current University of Illinois at Chicago professor Bill Ayers.

It seems Barack Obama’s “palling around” with a “known terrorist” is a point of “concern” for “Republicans” across the “nation4.” This fear seems totally well founded, because I know, if I were ever elected President, and one of my friends dared me to start mailing anthrax to my coworkers and appointees or to blow up the White House (without me in it), I totally would because I wouldn’t want to look like a pussy. But enough of hypotheticals, let’s look at the facts. The record clearly shows that Barack Obama did work with Bill Ayers. To blow up the Pentagon? Sadly, no. To fund Al-Qaeda? That would be really juicy, but no. To combat poverty and distribute public school grants? Sigh. Yes.

No offense to Prof. Ayers, but I’m not all that impressed with his acts of terrorism. As far as I can tell, besides the willful destruction of property, the greatest of American sins, and shutting down the Pentagon for a few days, the most his terrorist organization managed to accomplish was to blow up three of their own.5 I’m not exactly shivering in my boots.6

Let’s say that you’re still worried though, if Bill Ayers is so evil, then surely he must be currently serving a prison sentence for his crimes? No, and that’s the beauty; he no longer needs to. It’s not that Bill Ayers is currently planning terrorist action against the United States, it’s that he has the permanent taint of terrorism7 upon him. It’s not that Barrack Obama is a terrorist today, it’s that terrorism8 runs in his blood.

If that is the measure by which we judge terrorism today, then I think it’s time we faced an unpleasant truth.

We are all terrorists.

If the definition of a terrorist is anyone who wishes to create terror in a specific category of victim, with the purpose of altering the behavior of the members of that category, does this then mean that anyone who supports imprisonment and especially the death penalty as deterrents to crime is by definition a terrorist? The same question could be asked, of anyone who spanks or threatens to spank a child. Clearly the stated purpose is to terrify a specific group of people into changing their behavior. That’s what deterrence is. And given the rates at which blacks, Latinos, and American Indians, are imprisoned (and on death row), it could be argued that a good part of the judicial and penal systems in the United States constitutes a giant racist, terrorist organization. Simply looking at the numbers it becomes clear that the judicial and penal systems have achieved the segregation of black males-into-prisons-on a scale of which the KKK and their puny brethren could only dream.

- Derrick Jensen

Whether you agree with the above sentiment or not, it should be clear that terrorism is in the eye of the beholder. The average American is all for terrorism, if it’s against our enemies. If a group or “cell”, as the saying goes,9 of individuals threatened average American citizens, at home or abroad, with waterboarding or extreme rendition, there is no doubt as to what the U.S. government would call that.

On September 12th, 2001, the word “terror” split open, metastasizing over the rest of the English language.10 It was not the attacks themselves, but our response to them, that was to blame. The word has now lost all meaning, amounting to little more than a Scarlet ‘T’ that is difficult, if not impossible to shake off. John “The Smiler” Edwards aside, terrorists are the new mistresses/gay liaisons. Every future politician will have their past scrutinized not for personal transgressions, but for neighbors and babysitters who belonged to “questionable” organizations.11

We forget that if words are a form of magic, they derive their power from us. When we ignore this fact we do ourselves a great and dangerous disservice. When we let simple words and names get the better of us, they rob us, impoverish and weaken us in an already impossible world.

Words are just tools, “tools, of course, can be the subtlest of traps.”


Get thee behind me, Hussein!

Believe me, I understand. America needed a daddy after 9/11 to kiss its boo-boo and now in the midst of an economic catastrophe it needs a bogeyman more than ever.12 I don’t mean to belittle either crisis; these are valid, if not ideal, responses to the insanity of our times and fear can be a great motivator. But we have had our share of bogeymen in this country, whether it was an immigrant out to steal your job, a communist out to subvert your way of life, or a black man out to fuck your daughter and then your wife.

Tales of ghouls and monsters lurking in the dark may have served us in the past, but it is time to put away childish things. Unfortunately, not everyone seems to share this sentiment.

Either John McCain is simply brokering in fear13 to become America’s next abusive step-father, or he is genuine in his belief that Sen. Obama’s past associations pose a threat to the safety of American citizens. If we grant him the benefit of the doubt, then it looks like Sen. McCain is for meeting with terrorists with no preconditions after all, or just one I guess, that they be running for president of the United States.

Did Sen. McCain come to this information only after the scrutiny brought on by Sen. Obama’s presidential campaign? Did he knowingly let a terrorist become elected Senator of Illinois, a state with twice the population of his own? Or is that fine, just so long as he’s not President.

Senator McCain, if you truly believe Barack Obama is guilty of treason, either by association or by deed, then I implore you to do your duty and place this terrorist under citizen’s arrest when next you meet on Wednesday. You owe it to your supporters and, more importantly, to the country you claim to put first. I’ll be waiting.

Unless of course this is all just a ridiculous and desperate stunt preying on the basest and most outmoded of human instincts, in which case I would appreciate it if you stopped implying Sen. Obama is out to get us, or that it’s a crime to be Muslim (or black for that matter) in the U.S., or that all Americans are as conniving, obstinate and backwards as you.14

I’m not saying either of these men will deliver what they promise, but it seems that these are the platforms they have chosen to run on:


Which could you use more of in your life?

  1. Or is it a strategy? It’s so confusing. []
  2. Strange that all Christian demons seem to be Muslim. []
  3. Not to mention her nunchuku skills, bow hunting (from a helicopter) skills and computer hacking skills. Getting your email hacked is a form of hacking, right? []
  4. Isn’t language fun? []
  5. The solution there seems pretty clear: don’t join any terrorist organization that Bill Ayers is a member of. []
  6. I mean, I don’t own any boots, but if I did, they certainly would not be shivering. []
  7. If that’s not already the name of a gay porn movie, then the gay porn industry has failed you. Also, dibs. []
  8. re: Islam []
  9. Can someone explain to me why that is so much more ominous? It just evokes a beehive in my mind. Not exactly a terrifying image. (If you’re just reading this in the title pop-up, click through for a surprise.) []
  10. One word to bind them all. []
  11. Welcome back 1950s, it’s like you never left. []
  12. The Beast that Shouted Boo at the Heart of the World. []
  13. A truly recession proof market. []
  14. Keith Olbermann has now left my body. []

Don’t call me Shirley.

Really guys?

Which One?

Which One?

Which one?

You see what you want to see.

You see what you want to see.

Humans, I would like to briefly address the notion that Sen. Obama was “rude” during the first U.S. presidential debate in Oxford, MS. The two main claims being that he was constantly interrupting Sen. McCain and that while he eventually referred to his opponent as “Senator McCain,” initially, he addressed him simply as “John1,” a sign of disrespect in general, but one that would seem even more improper, given the location of the debate in the South2.

I know there may be dire consequences, but to hell with them; I call shenanigans.

Could it be the despite the formality of the occassion and the somber tone of the last few weeks in the U.S., that Sen. Obama was trying to engage in the debate as a conversation between two men, peers and equals, who happen to be coworkers? Or do you always introduce Larry from Accounting as “Vice President of Financial Affairs3?” Could it be that after half an hour of constantly being told he doesn’t understand things he clearly does, Obama simply started to “get the hint” as it were?

As for cutting off Sen. McCain, it seemed that the majority of the interruptions were in direct response to John’s attacks against Barrack. Besides, how could McCain interrupt someone who wasn’t there?

I’m referring of course, to the fact that Sen. McCain refused to look at Sen. Obama. I don’t mean he couldn’t look him in the eye because of all the stunt politics he had pulled during the week prior, I mean he literally could not gaze upon him. It was as if he were afraid his face would melt off4 or he would crumble to dust before our very eyes5.

Seriously?

I will, however, reluctantly admit there is something to be admired about the Judo like manipulation and savagery of the Republican party. Not only did they have the balls to throw up the least relevant Republican figure head, “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Guiliani6 in the place of “America’s MILF,” Gov. Palin, but one of his main talking points involved ridiculing Barack Obama for agreeing as much as he did with John McCain.

Yeah! Who does that son of a bitch think he is? Treating us with civility and not trying to blindly demonize us7. That’s not how we do things in Amuhrica!

They are trying (and probably succeeding to some extent) to spin one of Obama’s strengths, his diplomacy, his (engineered or not) compassion, into something worthy of ridicule.

The bottom line is that given McCain’s behavior, he acted with a surprising level of grace and humility, or if you’re not willing to go that far, he at least regarded his opponent as a human being. Don’t think for one second that I’m one of those people who think he is the Lord risen8, but if he gets shit on for basically being nice to a confused old man, who as far as I can tell we are not at war with, then something is wrong with us, not him.

Which brings us to tonight’s Vice Presidential debate. What’s the word for anticipating something greatly, while at the same time being terrified that words will be uttered that are so embarrassing, so inappropriate and pathetic, that everyone who hears them will instantly become dumber and less human as a result, basically casting a spell on the audience? You know, like when you watch The Office. Take that and multiply it by seven hundred billion and that’s pretty much how I feel about tonight. Will Joe Biden come off as an off-putting douche? Will Michael Scott Sarah Palin shore up our economy and defeat the evil wizard that threatens the land? Stay tuned true believer!

One thing I do know, and this is not meant to even remotely imply that McCain is racist9 but the fact remains that if Joe Biden treats Sarah Palin with the level of raw, dripping contempt that McCain showed Obama he would not get out of St. Louis (with his penis) alive.

Papa Spank

I for one, can’t wait for tonight’s episode of Old, Black, White or Tits10.

  1. Would Massuh be an acceptable compromise? []
  2. TO: The South RE: The Thirteenth Amendment. Also, why do you let the media get away with calling you and everyone within a few hundred miles of you a racist. []
  3. Or at least when not trolling for ill-advised pussy come last call. []
  4. Obama’s flag pin was forged from the Ark of the Covenant. []
  5. Although, to be fair, there was a good chance that would have happened anyway. []
  6. Remember when you and Hillary Clinton were the front runners? Good times. []
  7. You know who acts like that? Demons. []
  8. Jesus was neither a gentlemen nor a scholar. []
  9. At least no more than the average cantankerous septuagenarian. []
  10. I can’t believe Jim proposed last week! []

Stop talking. You’re ruining it.

Stop talking. You're ruining it.

Can someone please inform this man, that to the extent that anyone ever cared what he had to say (about things he clearly did not understand,) this is no longer the case.

Even when he has a point, no one can hear it over the din of eight years of misery and bad decisions. This is a man, that on the rare occasions when he employs logic and reason simply weakens the two by association.

We are clearly in a run-the-clock-out situation. Take a knee, stop embarrassing your team and just think of all the brush you’ll be able to clear with all your newfound free time.

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

I for one, welcome our new Slavic overlords

(via BoingBoing)

Despite its alarming proximity to Russia, news of the end of the cold war has yet to reach Alaska.

This should come as no surprise, given the vast and mysterious1 landmass separating Alaska from the contiguous United States. The terrain is unforgiving and even with the swiftest steed and the fairest of weather there are still those goddamn bats to contend with. Information regarding this desolate wasteland is spotty at best, as few who enter return to tell the tale.

Which is why it seems odd to me that while much is being made of the foreign policy experience Sarah Palin gained from coordinating “trade missions” with Russia, little attention is being paid to her efforts in creating an international peacekeeping force, comprised of the Alaskan National Guard, a mixed regiment of both Wendigos and Yeti, and an assortment of Norse gods,2 in a final desperate attempt, a surge if you like, to fight off the ever present Inuit horde.

Further credit must be given to then-Mayor Palin for negotiating a successful treaty3 with the Shaman King of the neighboring Yu’kon tribe. No longer do they creep in at night and steal all the first born males4 from her town of Wasilla.5

Sarah Palin is right to question the motives of the Russian Federation when it comes to Alaska; after all, we did buy it from them less than 150 years ago.6 And can you blame her for being more than a little wary of an gaunt, imperial leader from a country known for its immortal wizards?7

After all, when Putin, safe in his Mordor Moscow stronghold, sets his all seeing eye upon the United States, what’s the first thing he’s going to see?8

  1. Here Be Dragons I’d Like to Fucke. []
  2. Little known fact: the Bridge to Nowhere was really Bridge to Asgard. []
  3. The Concordat of Tears. []
  4. No wonder no one ever worried about sex education. []
  5. The terms now stipulate that they are limited to one (1) daughter (chosen by a joint committee of local community leaders/witch doctors with parents retaining the right to further choose if they possess more than one (1) daughter of appropriate age) per square mile, every six (6) years, to be taken only after reaching menarche. That ought to keep your knees closed, girls. []
  6. No takesies backsies, comrade. []
  7. It took, what, five attempts to finally kill RasPutin? []
  8. Answer: Sarah Palin getting out of the shower. []

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

That pig with the lipstick is nothing but a big tease.

The Greater Evil.

V.P. of Zings


Charlie Gibson has now interviewed Sarah Palin more thoroughly than John McCain ever did.”

— Paul Begala

Change you can believe in taking home to your mother

The internet has been a bit quiet lately. A little too quiet, if you ask me. I don’t know if it was something I said, but there’s been a dearth of animal hijinx or videos of drunk girls dancing in their underwear lately.

Could this be due to one of the few remaining pieces of America’s soul being taken out back to the ridiculous shed and slapped in the face with irony’s dick? Who’s to say. I’m just reporting the facts on the ground. Far be it from me to opine needlessly1.

With all that in mind, however, I present to you a welcome respite from hitting yourselves in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer soaked in Tabasco sauce: a video I could have easily made myself2, that seems appropriate given the state of the nation.

America, vote for Dave. He may have douchey friends, be kind of poor, and probably a latent homosexual, but he’s still more qualified than Princess Mooseburger3.

  1. By the way, when the hell did I become this interested in politics? John Stewart, I blame you. If only he had stayed in the movie business. []
  2. If I had ambition, friends or a camera. []
  3. We would have also accepted Caribou Barbie []

Mrs. Claus

Mrs. Claus

Looks like someone took my advice.

I know many of you were shocked by John McCain’s choice of running mate, but really it should come as no surprise. From time immemorial, fuckability and desperate pandering are what politics are all about.

People are calling her a VPilf or the Britney Spears of the American Gubernatorial Scene, while others are suggesting there’s a conspiracy going on with her Down Syndrome baby; I don’t know if I’d go that far1, but I will say one thing about Ms. Palin, she is surely the hottest Governor the great state of Alaska has ever had2.

Also, on a slight tangent3, this might be all the booze talking4, but Clinton, the Younger wasn’t looking so bad at the DNC. She’s still no Meghan McCain, but there’s an undeniable charm there, like if someone pushed Chloe Sevigny out of a moving truck and she landed on her face, but the truck was only going like 15mph, but she still needed some reconstructive surgery but all her doctors were members of a secret cult that worships horses.

If Hillary’s plans don’t work out in 2012, not all hope is lost for the Clinton dynasty. No. There is another.

Vote Clinton/Cyrus in ’325.

  1. Britney is after all much more used to public scrutiny than the leader of a state with the population of three and a half Guams. []
  2. Pochahontas was never Governor of Alaska, right? What about Sacajawea? []
  3. A first for me, I know. []
  4. Ain’t no party like a National Political Convention, ‘cause a National Political Convention don’t stop. Except maybe when there’s a hurricane involved. []
  5. Who are we kidding? Cyrus/Clinton. []
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