The Penis Mightier

So, some people want to make circumcision illegal. They call themselves “intactivists.” The argument goes: girls are protected from genital mutilation in this country, why not boys? Now, circumcision is not a clitoridectomy, but it’s not a fucking haircut either.

It’s more like a clitoridotomy or hoodectomy. You’re not eliminating the capacity for pleasure but you are affecting it. You’re cutting away living tissue, healthy living tissue which usually serves a function. The foreskin is a marvel of engineering. I’ve grown quite attached to mine over the years. Much like the eyelid, it evolved to protect moist, sensitive tissue. Anybody think walking around without eyelids sounds like fun?

I’m not for one second saying that we don’t have superflous body parts. Appendices are just one example of evolutionary dead weight. I’m just saying if you want to cut off a piece of my dick you better have a good case.

“In the past, we’ve said newborn circumcision has benefits and risks,” Dr. Douglas Diekema, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington, told CNN last year. “Given the fact that neither the risks nor benefits are particularly compelling, this is a decision to be made by parents.”

Nope.

Excepting all but the most extreme cases, parents shouldn’t get to make decisions about their kids sex organs. Especially before they even get a chance to use them.1

See, circumcision used to be a matter of hygiene. And you’ll forgive me, but I get uncomfortable when people say that sexual organs are “dirty”, whatever the rationale. Whether you’re doing it because it’s immoral for women to feel lust or from a fear of disease, it springs from the same impulse. There is something wrong with genitals the way they are and you need to fix them. When YHWH made us in his image did he forget some things?

Also, how is that not the most insulting thing you could ever say to a man? We don’t trust you to keep your dick clean so we’re going to whack a piece of it off to make it easier for you.

Thanks.

Naysayers will point out that statistically, pricking infants ears is more dangerous than snipping their pricks and that to ban one without banning the other would be hypocritical. In one sense, the comparison to ear piercing is valid, skin is resilient, it will grow back. And of course, ear piercing is just as insane and arbitrary a custom as circumcision. There is no pressing reason for humans to cut holes in themselves in order to insert shiny baubbles. It is an accident of culture and circumstance that we find some forms of body modification to be normal and others to be crazy.

But, unless you have really sensitive earlobes, the similarities stop there. To keep your ears pierced actually requires your active consent. To grow back your foreskin requires years of dedication and various contraptions.

The root of the problem, however, is the proposed legislation seems an awful lot like it would impinge on the freedom of religion that we occassionally remember this country was founded on. This particular naysayer takes it one step further.

As I see it, the proponents of a circumcision ban challenge more than basic religious freedoms; they contest the relationship between parents and children.

Good.

We don’t let parents do whatever they want to their children. If the state has a reason to suspect you are endangering your child they will investigate and if need be, forcibly remove them from you. That is part of the price for living in the state. Children are not property.

They’re not full fledged human beings either. We restrict children’s rights constantly, both for their own protection and because we recognize the limitations of their brains.2 They are prohibited access to certain substances, their education is compulsory according to guidelines set by the state, and quite sensibly it would seem, they are not allowed to participate in any matters of importance. Except one. We’re not allowed to vote until we’re 21 but we can enter into an eternal convenant with god after 8 days? Is choosing a president that much harder than choosing a deity? OK, maybe recently.

That the state has any say in matters of custody at all deeply offends the anarchist in me. The thought that their powers might extend to what can and cannot be done with a penis understandably leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And yet what’s the alternative? Children may not be property. But the government ain’t your mama. The issue is a complicated one.

Matters were only made worse by a comic strip featuring a very nordic Forsekin man battling a sinister looking Monster Mohel. This is clearly anti-semitic and seeing as I always assume the worst of people, I don’t think for one second that anti-semtism isn’t playing a part in this. But just because you’re a racist, doesn’t mean you can’t have good ideas.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to be a member of a group that has survived centuries of persecution. As a devout atheist, I’d have no idea what that’s like.

“No, I don’t know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”

- George Herbert Walker Bush

And I’m not going to condescend to millions of people3, by saying they’re overreacting, but I am going to respectfully ask that you consider how the practice looks to outsiders.

A week after your males are born their fathers or their preapproved proxies hold them down and cut off a piece of their flesh, sucking out some of the blood in the process, all because of a deal some dude made 4,000 years ago with a wrathful sky god who promised you great things were just around the corner.

Um, not for nothing, but I think you guys got the short end of that stick. If you’re going to commit a ritual sacrifice at least have the balls to call it that.4 No offense guys, I don’t want any trouble. I know all about krav maga.

Where does that leave us? Right back where we started.

Is the practice cruel and barbaric? Yes, but no more so than parents all over the world forcing their religions on their unsuspecting children. So, until some brave government outlaws that, I think we find ourselves in détente. May I suggest a compromise in the spirit of peace? Why not wait a little? Make them earn all that Bar Mitzvah money.

Speaking of Jewish weiners…

Hold the phone, a politician’s dick got him into trouble? Inconcievable!

I get it Anthony, believe me I do.

I can still remember the feeling of wonder at discovering what my penis could do. The sense of pride mixed with confusion and a looming sense of anxiety foreshadowing many things yet to come. Granted, I was six at the time, so cut me a little slack.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

What strikes me is that, clearly, he wasn’t wrong. The only person more in love with Anthony Weiner’s penis than Anthony Weiner is every single news anchor in America.5 Which brings me to a particular pet peeve of mine.

I’m personally much more offended by “respected” news organizations calling this “scandal” Weinergate than by anything the weiner in question actually did. Why have we allowed journalists to get away with this for so long? Just tacking -gate on the end of something doesn’t add any meaningful information. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it was a HOTEL. I know language evolves and no usage is ever entirely wrong, but this is just so lazy! I don’t care what Merriam or Webster say, a gate is a door or passageway.6 But it’s not just politicians dicks we can’t get enough of. No, it runs much deeper than that.

It should come as no surprise that when it comes to penises, men are actually the ones who can’t let go. Part of it is hard wired. This is a heat map generated by tracking where people hold their gaze when looking at images of people.

Why would this be the case?7

Sperm whales have enormourous brains, but relative to their body mass they’re actually tiny. If you were to plot out ratios of brain mass to body mass for primates, a line emerges. Humans are a clear outlier. You know what else humans have a lot more of relative to other primates? Besides tits.

You guessed it! But the question remains, did our dicks get bigger to keep up with the sexual demands of smarter and smarter women or did our brains get bigger so we could think about our dicks all day long? You know what they say, give a man a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.

So you can see, the lovely Kristen Schaal notwithstanding, how it would be hard to accept everyone else isn’t as fascinated as we are.

That’s still no excuse for sticking it in anything that moves, Congressman. Wait, he didn’t actually fuck anybody? What the hell is all this commotion over?

What is he actually guilty of? Not being the master of his domain? Taking perverted pictures? It’s never wrong to take a picture of your own genitals.8 For that matter, it’s never wrong to take a picture of someone else’s genitals, assuming you have their consent. But it’s never fun to have genitals (or their pictures) forced upon you.

Hey, I can relate. I’m pretty sure a guy once told me to look at his dick while he was taking a piss in a Chiptole bathroom.9

Is it a crime to be monstrously horny and not very good at sexting? What ever happened to good old fashioned phone sex by the way?

And if you have your heart set on sexting10 there are less dangerous ways to go about it.

OK, he lied. About things that are none of anyone’s damn business. No, the only convincing argument I can see is that any public official with the last name Weiner that plays fast and loose with his dick pics is too stupid to hold office. Somehow, I don’t think that’s why people were calling on him to resign.

I, for two, do hope he runs for reelection. I even have a campaign slogan all set up.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

  1. Masturbating in the womb doesn’t count. []
  2. If only we could recognize ours as easily. []
  3. You know what’s cool? Condescending to billions of people. []
  4. Unless they were included in the fine print. []
  5. At least this finally proves Jews don’t control the media. []
  6. Like a urethra. []
  7. Dick devils! []
  8. Just maybe don’t do it at a press conference. []
  9. There may or may not have been perception altering substances coursing through my veins, but I stand by my version of events. []
  10. Remember when it was just called cybering? I miss you 90’s. []

Science without religion is lame, religion without lube just burns.

You’d think the blood of the lamb would be lubrication enough.

No thank you, Catholic church. I don’t care what flavor candy you have in the rectory! I think I’m sticking with my new age guru. We’re making some real progress lately.

I’m sensing a theme developing here.

Also, ads for “Jesus Loves You”1 and Scientology are being served up here, I’m assuming as a result of this post. At least when Google silently takes over the world they’ll probably have a sense of humor about it.

  1. All night long! The least you could do is make this hard. (!) []

Clever word play is hard alright.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Buffering? What is this, 1998?

Who would have guessed my ideal job would be regulating financial markets and curtailing corporate interests? I do it for you America, I do it for you.

Rock hard.

A Spa and a Facial: The Secret of the Ooze.

Guys, have you ever wondered or lamented why your life isn’t more like porn? Why casual sex isn’t always lurking around the corner? Why fellatio isn’t a required course in nursing schools? Why when your girlfriends catch you cheating they scream and yell and leave you instead of the much more logical not to mention agreeable act of joining in? And of course the most obvious, most glaring discrepancy, why women don’t worship our ejaculate for the sweet life giving nectar that it truly is? Why they aren’t particularly fond of touching it let alone, what’s the word; oh yes ‘guzzling’ it? Well gentlemen cheer up, it seems (much as I’ve suspected for years) that it’s not our fault. Women simply don’t know what they’re talking about. “It’s bitter!” “BLEARGHH!!” “YOU swallow it!” “I’m blind!!” If any of this sounds familiar gentlemen, please read on.


Here’s mud in your eye!

Let’s give women the benefit of the doubt (for about a paragraph) while we examine the situation and see if there’s any foundation to their outrageous claims. Let’s take a closer look at our sperm and see how just many homunculi we can find.

“Fructose: This is the sweetest of all the sugars and is store of food in fruit and honey. Fructose is found in high concentrations in human semen where it is oxidized to provide the energy for the migration of spermatozoa in the female tract.” Fruit and honey! HONEY.

Perhaps there is some other nefarious, toxic agent that completely overwhelms the sweet taste of honey? What else resides in this here primordial brine? Well, I’m glad you asked! There are various hormones that we’ll get to shortly, ascorbic and citric acid, magnesium, sodium, various enzymes along with trace amounts of several other choice ingredients. Then of course there are the sperm cells themselves, industrious little buggers if ever there were any. Surely they couldn’t account for any negative effects; they’re just little Olympic swimmers, heads safely ensconced in helmets. And even if somehow, virtually bare, motile, raw genetic material did taste unpleasant it only accounts for roughly 10% of the solution. Surely if there is a problem it lies elsewhere.

Well now that we’ve dissected nature’s fruit juice and found only good things let’s give women the benefit of the doubt again (for just one more paragraph) and see if despite the fact that the ingredients seem fine, there are any adverse affects to this seemingly nutritious elixir.1

Psychologist Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York published a study that firmly (but gently) supports claims that several forward looking visionaries such as the fine sexperts at Redbook have been espousing for quite some time: “In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely.” Hello! Is there anything it can’t do?

In the study, women who use condoms during intercourse were compared to women who don’t and Gallup found that the condomless women had considerably lower levels of depression. The main agents that seem to be at work here are certain mood-altering hormones including but not limited to testosterone, oestrogen, folic-stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone. According to Gallup, other variables which could in theory be responsible for the mood alteration were eliminated as having any affect. And while this study was concerned with vaginal contact and absorption of semen, the evidence suggests that several of these chemicals survive the process of digestion and are still able to confer their benefits when taken orally.

The benefits of semen are not entirely without cost as we shall now discover. The longer women in the no-condom group went without sex the worse they felt. This did not apply however to their counterparts in the condom group. “… this suggests, in the simplest terms, that semen is a drug, and that it’s addictive: Women go through a kind of withdrawal when they stop getting it.” Screw sperm banks, I think I might just go into business for myself. How much do you think I could get for a dime bag of spunk?

And before you start screaming that I’ve dealt yet another blow to the weakening moral fabric of our society by advocating ‘questionable’ behavior in women, keep this next little tidbit in mind. “Oddly enough only married or monogamous women showed the benefits. Those with multiple partners showed no beneficial effects or even reported detrimental effects.”

It seems the potential hormonal benefits require hormonal constancy. When the ‘diet’ in question consists of the seed of various men the hormonal make-up is too varied for any benefits to take place. Now that’s competition! From an evolutionary standpoint this makes perfect sense. Upon being granted access to the female body the last thing a sperm cell wants to encounter is a rival sperm cell. I hear the gears turning. “But aren’t there already millions of rival sperm cells that arrived with this one?” Yes, yes there are and our little explorer isn’t too fond of them either. But think of it as a basketball game. Everyone wants to score, as much as possible but they all know that not everyone will, and it’s much more desirable to let a showboating teammate hog all the glory than bickering so much you let the other team score. After all when everything is said and done, even the bench warmers get a championship ring.

Also it appears that several of these beneficial effects require a different type of constancy. “The ones who received the results were the ones who ingested semen four to five times a week or more!” Now that exclamation point is theirs not mine. Frankly I see little reason to exclaim such a modest and frankly reasonable proposition.

So, a quick review if you will: tastes great, less filling and several health benefits. It’s not only part of a balanced breakfast, it is a balanced breakfast. You’ve got your protein, you’ve got your carbs, you’ve got your vitamins and minerals, not to mention hormone supplements, cancer suppressants, mood enhancers, and you’ve even got some calcium thrown into the mix for good measure. Now personally, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like something you’d order from Jamba Juice2.

Fellow Y-chromosomers, if your lady-friend won’t have anything to do with your spunk, fret not. You know who will? EVERYONE ELSE! No, I don’t mean that your particular paramour is the only creature in creation who doesn’t love the taste of human seed, but rather human women in general seem to be out of the loop. I propose a wager fellas. The next time you’re trying to grace the world with the gift of your haploid cells save some, hell save it all if you’re so inclined. Once you have what you deem is ‘enough’ leave it out somewhere and return to it in one day. I bet you there’s none left. And on the small chance there is any, you can rest assured it will be accompanied by all kinds of interesting fauna.

Surely we can take a small measure of comfort in the knowledge that some animals do in fact appreciate the gift of a free meal. Is it time we (or at least the females of the species) tried to learn something from our distant insect cousins?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


Killer Mike respectfully responds in the affirmative.

In my various travels and travails (read: trashy men’s magazines, trashy women’s magazines and classy online porn star interviews) it seems that only the aforementioned adult film actresses ever seem or claim to actually enjoy the consumption of this wondrous ejaculatory mixture. The very few ‘non-professionals’ who do partake of it make it seem like they’re indulging us this peculiar, peccant request. Well surely with all this evidence at hand that’s not the most reasonable attitude to take, now is it? Couldn’t it just as easily be argued that it is in fact men who are granting the favor (and not a small one at that)? Just food for thought.

Remember folks, it’s what’s for dinner.3

  1. Superpowers don’t count. []
  2. I’ll be rich! []
  3. Don’t fight it. []

Close your eyes and think of England, indeed.

We are getting our asses beat, and not in a good way, when it comes to sexy times and loose morals by Czechs and Aussies. This cannot stand! We currently rank sixth in a survey of Western nations and the amount of casual sex they engage in.

I get that Croats and Slovenes ain’t got nothin’ to do but get down, but Krauts? I always assumed the more outrageous a nation’s porn industry, the more repressed the general populace. I mean bukakke’s not an English word, as far as I know.

The VAT might take some getting used to, but Merry Olde England, here I ejaculate.

High and Moist

What the eff, porn industry? When did you go and get yourselves some good taste? Who said you could do that?

Watch this (volume is a bit low):

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Now, listen to the first few seconds of this:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Then, insert obvious joke about something smelling fishy.

Excuse me, Mike Adriano, director of My Fantasy Girls P.O.V. #2, did you honestly think we wouldn’t notice this bald attempt at thievery? Did you think you could pull a fast one1 over on the American public?

Who knew the real threat from pornography was not on our morals but on our copyrights. Truly, it is an affront, up with which we dare no longer put!

Oh, did I forget to mention my new job as a watchdog for the RIAA?2 I do it for you guys. To keep your intellectual property safe. And properly lubricated.

  1. Cleveland Steamer []
  2. Vice President In Charge of Watching Adult Materials With The Sound On. []

Mystery would be proud

The most effective pick up line (as of yesterday): “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

The most effective pick up line now and forever more: "Do my tits smell like chloroform to you?"

The black dick is calling from inside the house!

The black dick is calling from inside the house!

Let’s not fool ourselves. If Obama loses, this is the reason.

(via Susannah Breslin)

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Finally, a platform I can really get behind.

This officially brings to a close the first1 annual Sarah Palin appreciation day. Thank you for your support.

  1. And if there’s a god, the last. []

Mrs. Claus

Mrs. Claus

Looks like someone took my advice.

I know many of you were shocked by John McCain’s choice of running mate, but really it should come as no surprise. From time immemorial, fuckability and desperate pandering are what politics are all about.

People are calling her a VPilf or the Britney Spears of the American Gubernatorial Scene, while others are suggesting there’s a conspiracy going on with her Down Syndrome baby; I don’t know if I’d go that far1, but I will say one thing about Ms. Palin, she is surely the hottest Governor the great state of Alaska has ever had2.

Also, on a slight tangent3, this might be all the booze talking4, but Clinton, the Younger wasn’t looking so bad at the DNC. She’s still no Meghan McCain, but there’s an undeniable charm there, like if someone pushed Chloe Sevigny out of a moving truck and she landed on her face, but the truck was only going like 15mph, but she still needed some reconstructive surgery but all her doctors were members of a secret cult that worships horses.

If Hillary’s plans don’t work out in 2012, not all hope is lost for the Clinton dynasty. No. There is another.

Vote Clinton/Cyrus in ’325.

  1. Britney is after all much more used to public scrutiny than the leader of a state with the population of three and a half Guams. []
  2. Pochahontas was never Governor of Alaska, right? What about Sacajawea? []
  3. A first for me, I know. []
  4. Ain’t no party like a National Political Convention, ‘cause a National Political Convention don’t stop. Except maybe when there’s a hurricane involved. []
  5. Who are we kidding? Cyrus/Clinton. []

Step right up and have your gender guessed.

Step right up and have your gender guessed.

Using your browser’s history, this site tries to determine your sex based on the average users of the sites you visit most. According to my browsing habits, I’m 93% male1.

What I’ve learned:

1 Fun fact: The average vagina makes up 7% of your body by weight.

2 This is the first I’m hearing of it.

Si se puede…bone.

Si se puede...bone.

If we were going to elect the president based solely on the fuckability of their children1 John McCain wins in a landslide.

Malia and Sasha Obama may have been adorable on Access Hollywood but they have a lot of work to do if they want to keep up with the competition. At least now we know why it was a mistake; adorable doesn’t put asses in the seats.2

Meghan McCain is the Obama of First Daughters3. I will take her over Janet Reno Jr., sorry, Chelsea Clinton any day of the week4. Hell, even the Bush twins5 don’t stand up. In fact, I can’t think of a single legitimate contender, although Al Gore’s daughter did write for Futurama6.

This November, do what’s right, for you, for 9/11, for America, and vote with your hearts and groins.

I obviously need to get laid and I approve this message.

  1. I hear that’s how they do things in Slovakia. []
  2. Electoral or otherwise. []
  3. Change I can believe in… boning. []
  4. Can you blame McCain if this is what he had to go by? []
  5. Not for all the Valtrex in China. []
  6. Let’s just say she tickles my funny boner. []