Close your eyes and think of England, indeed.

We are getting our asses beat, and not in a good way, when it comes to sexy times and loose morals by Czechs and Aussies. This cannot stand! We currently rank sixth in a survey of Western nations and the amount of casual sex they engage in.

I get that Croats and Slovenes ain’t got nothin’ to do but get down, but Krauts? I always assumed the more outrageous a nation’s porn industry, the more repressed the general populace. I mean bukakke’s not an English word, as far as I know.

The VAT might take some getting used to, but Merry Olde England, here I ejaculate.

December 9, 2008 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

High and Moist

What the eff, porn industry? When did you go and get yourselves some good taste? Who said you could do that?

Watch this (volume is a bit low):

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Now, listen to the first few seconds of this:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Then, insert obvious joke about something smelling fishy.

Excuse me, Mike Adriano, director of My Fantasy Girls P.O.V. #2, did you honestly think we wouldn’t notice this bald attempt at thievery? Did you think you could pull a fast one1 over on the American public?

Who knew the real threat from pornography was not on our morals but on our copyrights. Truly, it is an affront, up with which we dare no longer put!

Oh, did I forget to mention my new job as a watchdog for the RIAA?2 I do it for you guys. To keep your intellectual property safe. And properly lubricated.

  1. Cleveland Steamer [↩]
  2. Vice President In Charge of Watching Adult Materials With The Sound On. [↩]
December 7, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

Mystery would be proud

The most effective pick up line (as of yesterday): “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

The most effective pick up line now and forever more: "Do my tits smell like chloroform to you?"

December 1, 2008 | About: • • • • | Leave a Comment 

The black dick is calling from inside the house!

The black dick is calling from inside the house!

Let’s not fool ourselves. If Obama loses, this is the reason.

(via Susannah Breslin)

November 2, 2008 | About: • • | Leave a Comment 

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Laying the Alaskan Pipeline

Finally, a platform I can really get behind.

This officially brings to a close the first1 annual Sarah Palin appreciation day. Thank you for your support.

  1. And if there’s a god, the last. [↩]
October 19, 2008 | About: • • • | 6 Comments 

Mrs. Claus

Mrs. Claus

Looks like someone took my advice.

I know many of you were shocked by John McCain’s choice of running mate, but really it should come as no surprise. From time immemorial, fuckability and desperate pandering are what politics are all about.

People are calling her a VPilf or the Britney Spears of the American Gubernatorial Scene, while others are suggesting there’s a conspiracy going on with her Down Syndrome baby; I don’t know if I’d go that far1, but I will say one thing about Ms. Palin, she is surely the hottest Governor the great state of Alaska has ever had2.

Also, on a slight tangent3, this might be all the booze talking4, but Clinton, the Younger wasn’t looking so bad at the DNC. She’s still no Meghan McCain, but there’s an undeniable charm there, like if someone pushed Chloe Sevigny out of a moving truck and she landed on her face, but the truck was only going like 15mph, but she still needed some reconstructive surgery but all her doctors were members of a secret cult that worships horses.

If Hillary’s plans don’t work out in 2012, not all hope is lost for the Clinton dynasty. No. There is another.

Vote Clinton/Cyrus in ’325.

  1. Britney is after all much more used to public scrutiny than the leader of a state with the population of three and a half Guams. [↩]
  2. Pochahontas was never Governor of Alaska, right? What about Sacajawea? [↩]
  3. A first for me, I know. [↩]
  4. Ain’t no party like a National Political Convention, ‘cause a National Political Convention don’t stop. Except maybe when there’s a hurricane involved. [↩]
  5. Who are we kidding? Cyrus/Clinton. [↩]
August 30, 2008 | About: • • • | Leave a Comment 

Step right up and have your gender guessed.

Step right up and have your gender guessed.

Using your browser’s history, this site tries to determine your sex based on the average users of the sites you visit most. According to my browsing habits, I’m 93% male1.

What I’ve learned:

1 Fun fact: The average vagina makes up 7% of your body by weight.

2 This is the first I’m hearing of it.

August 3, 2008 | About: • | Leave a Comment 

Si se puede…bone.

Si se puede...bone.

If we were going to elect the president based solely on the fuckability of their children1 John McCain wins in a landslide.

Malia and Sasha Obama may have been adorable on Access Hollywood but they have a lot of work to do if they want to keep up with the competition. At least now we know why it was a mistake; adorable doesn’t put asses in the seats.2

Meghan McCain is the Obama of First Daughters3. I will take her over Janet Reno Jr., sorry, Chelsea Clinton any day of the week4. Hell, even the Bush twins5 don’t stand up. In fact, I can’t think of a single legitimate contender, although Al Gore’s daughter did write for Futurama6.

This November, do what’s right, for you, for 9/11, for America, and vote with your hearts and groins.

I obviously need to get laid and I approve this message.

  1. I hear that’s how they do things in Slovakia. [↩]
  2. Electoral or otherwise. [↩]
  3. Change I can believe in… boning. [↩]
  4. Can you blame McCain if this is what he had to go by? [↩]
  5. Not for all the Valtrex in China. [↩]
  6. Let’s just say she tickles my funny boner. [↩]
August 1, 2008 | About: • | 1 Comment