52% of you, listen up!

Women of Earth, put down those lattes this instant!

Men of Earth, the next time you see a woman drinking a macchiato, slap it out of her hands. She’ll thank you for it later.

Drinking excessive amounts of coffee has been found to SHRINK YOUR BREASTS.

Further proof that Starbucks™ is an unbridled force for evil, no longer merely content with world domination, but bursting with schemes to curb human breeding habits thus keeping the population at a manageable low.

Sophia looks on with admiration at Jayne’s resolve.