Douchey By Association

Breaking News! Some idiot said some stupid thing on CNN. Americans are offended, amused or bored depending on their education level and socioeconomic status.

So, a sports journalist said something negative about the President, a grown man, that apparently hurt his feelings enough that he’s demanding an apology, while his press secretary wants her fired. Then, a news network had two other sports journalists on to discuss the topic. In theory.

Here is the exchange:

Baldwin asked “Why would you even say this live on national television and with a female host? Why would you even go there?”

The following is an attempt at an exhaustive list of such reasons:

I know nothing of this man’s personal life and in a world where all that separates me from that knowledge is less than thirty keystrokes, I can’t spare the calories. But, I am convinced that if he had been allowed to keep talking he would have added that his Canadian girlfriends boobs are his favorite boobs.

To be fair, if you fell into a coma just before your thirteenth birthday and awoke decades later on a live satellite feed with a woman you found attractive, you might be forgiven for falling back on what worked in Julie Becker’s basement after scoring a sixer of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But, as an adult, simply reminding women of their secondary sex characteristics is probably not going to get you all that far. I hope the women of earth won’t be too offended if I speak on their behalf to say that women aren’t likely to forget they have tits anytime soon. Wait, he’s never been in a coma? Wait, does he want to fuck the first amendment?1

Frankly, as a man, this is the most offensive thing about his “joke”. The obvious and only infinitesimally funnier thing to say would have been, “three things that have only never let me down in this entire country’s history…” That fruit hangs so low you could throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier. The host, Brooke Baldwin, in a unnecessarily gracious gesture, even gives him a nihilistic (and funnier!) out, “booze” is a far better joke. Not only is “boobs” one of the most childish and least funny ways to refer to breasts, but even the logic of the humor is tortured. Only red, white and blue boobs2 haven’t let him down? American exceptionalism is a dangerous and prevalent lie, but even the most diehard MAGA voter will admit to cranking it to malnourished slavic women and their heavy peasant breasts. Somebody even MARRIED ONE OF THEM. Maybe the only thing harder than actually knowing how funny you are is objectively knowing how intelligent you are.

This is still tangentially related to humor. What if him saying “boobs” was actually just an attempt to make some misguided point about the first amendment? Again, the better version of that joke or “statement” would have been “I believe in only two things completely, the First Amendment and shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.” The punchline is basically unchanged, George Carlin can’t sue you from the grave, CNN would scramble to bleep him and he could then rally against censorship to whoever is sad (no, not SAD!, just sad) enough to listen to him in the first place.

Except of course, the first amendment doesn’t read “CNN shall make no attempt to abridge the speech of whatever asshole happens to be on camera”. No, the first amendment protects individuals from the government, not cable news. The only way this argument might have some traction is if he was on Russia Today bad mouthing Donald’s newfound father figure. Sorry, “daddy figure”. He likes that, right?3

I’m not implying he invented sexism or is even aware of half of the vile, incoherent shit that manages to escape out of his mouth, let alone any other orifice, but we are left with one undeniable fact. Donald Trump, the man who for some inexplicable reason, people insist on calling President, was either very proud of getting away with committing sexual assault or lied about it to impress Billy Bush. I hope the monkeys of the world won’t be too offended if I reduce their imitative instincts (which one hairless ape has seemingly perfected) to a withered cliché, but monkey see, asshole do.

Believe me when I tell you that there are some generally unspoken rules for human conversation, the first of which is the implicit truth of whatever you’re saying. Common sense would suggest that constantly speaking this rule out loud or calling attention to it is meant to either justify an extraordinary claim or to jedi mind trick someone into buying your bullshit.

Another rule, without which conversations could not proceed, is the maxim of relevance. While casual conversations of course veer off into all sorts of tangents, typically, a response is directly prompted by what came before it.

“How do you intend to deal with the growing nuclear threat of North Korea?”
“I like turtles.”

Unless this is followed by a particularly trenchant metaphor or a hackneyed Aesop reference or an explicit wish that humans extinct themselves to make way for our carapaced cousins, this is not a satisfying exchange. It does not sequitur.

The presumption of relevance is reasonably more explicit when money is being spent to broadcast your opinions. Presumably, if you have your own radio show you can say whatever the hell you please, as long as your parent corporation gets its cut, but CNN is equally free to keep you from doing it on their dime. I’m not exactly a fan, but if you’re going to piss all over CNN, the least you could do is let the Russians tape it.

When pressed on his motives, Travis continues to violate this maxim by going on to explain “I say it live on the radio all the time because it’s true and that’s what I do.” Further proof he doesn’t understand how words work. The question wasn’t “Hey Clay, what’s some stuff you like?” Or “Could you please say something true that you say all the time?” The question was why is the President singling out this one black female reporter. And his response was “boobs”. Hmm, maybe it does sequitur a little after all.

This isn’t just disrespecting women or the host who asked him onto her show or the other panelist or the presumably adult audience watching, it’s disrespecting language.

In this post White Tuesday world, it’s common to claim that facts themselves are under attack. Again, while Donald did not invent discrediting facts you can’t grasp or that are against your interests, it is one thing he’s good at. But, it’s not just reason and truth that are being eroded, it’s communication itself.

There is a paradox at the heart of all communication, but especially the verbal variety. Words are both meaningless, in that they only ever asymptotically approach a meaning, and yet they have very real and tangible consequences and so mean a great deal.

If you threaten to murder someone, as long as someone else hears you, those words have consequences. That person might attempt to murder you first or flee the country or report you to the police. And, those consequences themselves might have further consequences that are even harder to predict or control. Say what you will about CNN’s ratings, you’re still not speaking into a void.4

If you convince a large portion of your population, that the planet they inhabit is, by design, eternally immune to any of the waste and poisons they generate, those words have consequences. Even if you’re dead long before you’d have to face them, nevertheless they persist.

If you imply that the United States’ third largest trading partner, who used to occupy roughly 14% of the country, and now shares the entire southern border, purposely exports their criminals, drugs, and rapists or that the first half white President of the United States (who, if memory serves, never asked for an apology) committed a decades long fraud, regarding not only his citizenship but his academic record, those words have consequences. They just happened to be on the opposite side of common sense.


Because, as much as he pays lip service to boobs, making women uncomfortable is actually his favorite thing about them. See “insecurity“, “imitation“. Coincidentally, this is also another unspoken maxim of human conversation, so apparently, no one ever took the time to teach Clay how to be human.

These are simple, human impulses, but, current occupants of the White House notwithstanding, we don’t have to reward them. Even if it’s good for your ratings, you don’t have to give airtime to these people. To her credit, Baldwin has said he won’t ever be asked back. That’s at least one troll who will have to look somewhere else for nourishment. Unfortunately, the same probably can’t be said for their king.

This is a cheap, but sadly, largely effective argumentative tactic. But only if we keep falling for it. Only if we don’t see it for what it is. Only if we refuse to impose any consequences.

So, to recap, an insecure white man was inept, immature, overconfident in his abilities and malicious when speaking to a woman, in the hopes of distracting her and anyone else listening from his numerous glaring shortcomings. But enough about the 2016 presidential debates.

Let’s move on to the 2016 Republican primaries and another idiot threatening to ruin something else I love.

There is no conceivable universe where I feel comfortable shaming someone for masturbating, whether it’s to pornography or the memory of those 47 seconds when anyone in their right mind thought they could be president.

As long as the porn is legal and consensual, who am I to judge? I mean, besides a devoted fan of porn.

As solicitor general, Ted Cruz infamously defended a Texas law seeking to ban the sale or advertisement of sex toys, arguing that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

He now correctly refers to this law as stupid and is also obviously correct in saying that “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.” Maybe he should tell that to his political party. Also, just because that’s where you look at it, the internet isn’t actually in your bedroom.

I wholeheartedly agree that lawyers should not be held accountable for doing their jobs and representing or defending people or laws that they find reprehensible or idiotic. Maybe he should tell that to his political party.

But that means, the best argument that he could come up with was basically, every time you jack off, Uncle Sam cries. I think we found out why he’s so persecuted.

By far, his most outrageous and Orwellian deflection, however, is that “the media and the left seem obsessed with sex.”

A quick parable:

Two men, let’s call them Hidari and Migi live in small, lush village in the heart of a tropical rainforest.

One day, Migi goes to a meeting of the elders and pronounces that no one can drink any water while the sun is still in the sky. The villagers are confused, but for some arcane reason, Migi has a lot of clout in the village, so this new law is imposed.

Later, he proclaims that water must only be drunk out of a specific style of metal goblet that, by pure coincidence, is only made by his eldest son. Eventually, another rule is enacted that states no villager may drink water in the presence of more than two other villagers.

Hidari finds these rules arbitrary and nonsensical, but bites his tongue so as to not offend the many that seem to now respect them. Until, on his way to a neighboring village, he spies Migi pounding water out of a beer helmet. In broad daylight. In the middle of an orgy.

Fed up, Hidari confronts Migi with the entire village as witness.

“See here, Migi drinks water whenever and however it pleases him, as it used to be, and yet denies us the right to do the same.”

To which Migi replies, “God! Why are you so obsessed with water?!?”

EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH SEX!!

Do you think that’s an insult? Do you think if we weren’t, there would be 7.5 billion people alive to mock you for hypocritically and publicly watching porn on nine got damn eleven.

I’m loathe to use a “nickname” (by the way, just a reminder that adding an adjective in front of someone’s given name is in no way a nickname) coined by Dickhead Donald, but this is just Lyin’ Ted up to his old tricks.

Because, to be clear, this wasn’t just a politician getting caught white handed, this was a politician promoting pornography to his followers. I would love nothing more than to see Ted Cruz become a champion for sex workers, to help combat the hypocrisy and social exile that they inevitably face. Americans buy and use a product, to the tune of almost $3 billion a year and then proceed to shame and ridicule the very people that provide them said product. Which is somehow less shameful than fucking on camera for money.

Still, I hope we can agree, there is an appropriate time and place to shout from the rooftops what kind of porn you love.

Loud and proud!

But, no, adult film actors will have to look elsewhere for an advocate, since, according to Cruz, someone “on his staff” “hit the wrong button”.

The only reason I might believe him is that Ted seems to be a furry.5

This is already being spun into snowflakes or delicate geniuses having their fragile sensibilities offended and some other nonsense about trigger warnings.

No one is saying you can’t like tits. Just that the middle of a discussion about the first amendment is maybe a weird time to not shut up about it?

No one is saying you can’t beat your dick to a threesome featuring an actress some have claimed bears a striking resemblance to your wife. Well, maybe, that guy who thinks your dad killed Kennedy and publicly called your wife ugly, but the rest of us don’t care.6 But, if you’re a Senator whose political party is constantly trying to legislate sexuality, just try not to brag about it in front of everybody on 9/11. Unless, you’re trying to make us forget?

I’m not offended a man said “boobs” on television. I’m not surprised to hear Republicans spill their seed just like the rest of us. It’s the CONTEXT that’s the problem.

Now, see, because I’m an adult, and this is a personal forum for me to express my thoughts that anyone is free to read as they see fit, I have no problem admitting or proclaiming that there was porn on in the background as I wrote this.

I don’t say this to offend or make money off anyone, but because it’s true. And because I have two monitors, am easily distracted, and can mute porn while listening to music without missing too much. You might also be shocked to hear that (human) breasts are among my favorite things in the world.

www.achewood.com

Also, at times, I am, if not proud of this fact, at least able to revere and revel in my mammalian nature. A credit to my biological class. But, I don’t go around blurting it to everyone I’m introduced to. I have the good sense to wait until I’m asked or at least, until it comes up organically.7

So, while these two wankers make me ashamed to be a man and most people make me ashamed to be human, I refuse to let them drag language or porn or tits through the mud. Unless they film it, I guess.

The last conversational maxim is the maxim of quantity. That is, you should provide just enough information to convey your meaning, but no more and no less. In case you couldn’t tell, this is one I struggle with. The internet, when it’s not shoving tits in your face, even has a useful shorthand for one of these errors.

TL;DR

You can like breasts and porn all you want, just don’t be a dick about it.

  1. National Pleasure 3 cumming to a theater near you! []
  2. Bloobs! []
  3. Sweet Christmas! Sarah Palin was right all along! Say what you will about that illiterate moose jockey, but at least she knew to fear Putin, she just can’t tell airspace from cyberspace! And thought that the people that would vote for her didn’t already think Alaska was part of Russia or Canada or the Upside Down. []
  4. I can think of at least one angry, senile old man who can’t seem to stop watching. []
  5. At least, I hope he’s a furry. Otherwise, those poor rats. []
  6. I think we might have found the “staffer” Cruz is covering for! []
  7. Anytime now… []

Clever word play is hard alright.

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Buffering? What is this, 1998?

Who would have guessed my ideal job would be regulating financial markets and curtailing corporate interests? I do it for you America, I do it for you.

Rock hard.

Most definitely giants.

Human Giant straight up killed it in their second season. Most of you know RAAAAAAAANDY Aziz Ansari from Parks and Recreation You’ll recognize Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer from an assload of movies and tv shows and the never seen fourth member, Jason Woliner, from directing a bunch of Funny Or Die sketches.

SNL may have Weekend Update and two to three musical performances, but that’s still a lot of minutes to fill with sketch. A half hour every week seems so much more reasonable. Also, whether the length has anything to do with it, you can’t really get this intricate on network television. If there’s one thing I love, it’s when comedians break a premise, put it back together, then if there’s time put it back together one more time.

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I’m sad Human Giant is over but at least Funny Or Die Presents has risen to take its place. As if by magic.

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This final season is a bit of a departure.

Presented without comment.

You have to turn it off then turn it back on again.

This show has come up in conversation recently and this is my case for it. I heard many good things about The IT Crowd, primarily from my close personal friend, Internet and finally gave in after the second season. While not as disappointing as Red Dwarf, another, albeit older, British cult favorite, I was not that impressed. It wasn’t bad, just a little too Big Bang Theory for my tastes. I stuck around because, well honestly, what else do I have to do?

On the whole, I’m glad I did. The highlights of the show are clearly the two Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace alumns, Richard Ayoade and Matt Berry, but the rest of the cast is still fun in their own pasty way.

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South Park did it!

I’m also relieved the American version with Joel McHale was squashed because it would have deprived the world of this:


Tim Tebow clearly doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

The IT Crowd in a shell of nuts:

You’ve got yourself a stew going!

It’s not the best British sitcom I watch, possibly not even in the top five, but it absolutely hit its stride in season three.

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I’m sold. At least enough to keep watching and get to Father Ted soon.


Try some today. If you’re so inclined, at least.

  1. I’ll miss you guys! KIT []
  2. BIG BANG LORRIE! Alright, I think it’s out of my system now. []

So Say We Some, Brother


Wait, do I even know Spanish? Also, very sneaky.

Humans, I’m so excited. Can you tell? I can hardly contain myself.

Lost begins it’s final season tonight! And just in time too, I was getting a little tired of writing all that steamy slash. In case you need a little refresher course, let me catch you all up real quick.

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WHAT’S IN THE HOT POCKET?!

The most intriguing aspect of this show has always been it’s very porous genre. One minute, terse psychological drama, the next straight horror, the show can’t seem to make up its mind. Or rather, it did so slowly, America, like the proverbial frog in boiling water, just didn’t notice. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have basically tricked everyone into becoming nerds.1

So, a nation of nerds waits impatiently for their mindfuck to come to a satisfying conclusion. As the show is both winding down and speeding up, I for one welcome our new smoke monster overlords.

It’s been speculated and some would say confirmed that the writers behind Lost had no fucking clue what they were doing, just blindly making shit up as they went along. When I first heard this I was a little disappointed. I presume I wasn’t alone.

Then I actually stopped and thought about it for a second. Why the fuck would I be disappointed? What is it that would lead you to feel cheated when a writer(s) doesn’t know exactly how they’re going to end their story from the start? It’s holding writers up to a ridiculous standard.

You know what other show’s creator pretty much admitted he made up a bunch of shit as he went along? Battlestar Galactica.

I think Ron Moore knew what he wanted to say about the genre, about the state of the world, and he knew the themes he wanted to explore.

‘We take as a given the idea that the traditional space opera, with its stock characters, techno-double-talk, bumpy-headed aliens, thespian histrionics and empty heroics has run its course, and a new approach is required,’ it began. ‘Call it “naturalistic science fiction.”’ There would be no time travel or parallel universes or cute robot dogs. There would not be ‘photon torpedoes’ but instead nuclear missiles, because nukes are real and thus are frightening.

Good enough, Moore, Ron2. So, of course he and his staff didn’t know exactly what would happen to every character, how could they if characters that hadn’t yet been created ended up becoming central figures to the story? Art is a process of discovery. Does every novelist knows the very last sentence before they write the first word?3 Not only would that be an absurd way for everyone to write, but serialized fiction is a completely different animal.4

Which is all just a longwinded way of saying I’m really looking forward to the last season of Lost. I heard it’s going to be just nuts.

The spin-off looks pretty good too.

  1. There’s always room for |e| more. []
  2. Sorry, Mrs. Ron. It won’t happen again. []
  3. Shuuuuut uuuup, Updike Irving. []
  4. It’d be like comparing polar bears and Kodiak bears. []

A Literally Apocalyptic Tragedy

Folks, I know I normally don’t do this, but I’d like to get a little serious here. There is an unspeakable tragedy developing in one of the most backwards and impoverished areas of the western hemisphere. I’m speaking, of course, about NBC1.

The quickest rundown I am capable of: NBC, afraid that Conan might leave for another network, offered him The Tonight Show six years ago. Leno, for whatever reason, accepted the arrangement. As the appointed hour drew nearer, Leno started to get antsy and realized he did not, in fact, want to retire. NBC, afraid he might leave for another network, offered him a prime time comedy show, five nights a week at 10pm, effectively obliterating almost a third of their prime time programming. This did not bother NBC because a one hour comedy show is much cheaper to produce than virtually any scripted show. This new (idiotic) and revolutionary (greedy and cynical) move proved a failure as no one tuned in to the new show. Now, NBC afraid to lose either comedian, has proposed that Leno move back to 11:35 for one half hour, Conan be pushed back to 12:052, Jimmy Fallon following suit at 1:05 and Carson Daly learning to embrace the freegan lifestyle. This was not amenable to Conan. And this is where things stand.

NBC, trying to defend its shoddy treatment of O’Brien says its basically Conan’s fault. While it is true that if The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien were a ratings monster none of this would be happening, it is a “specious argument” to say that this is all happening because Conan’s ratings are too low. Fuck Dick Ebersoll in his lying mouth. I’m sorry, that was probably too harsh.

The problem is not The Tonight Show‘s ratings. They were low, but not unreasonably so for a fledgling show. The problem is the horrible ratings for The Jay Leno Show. Actually, that’s not even true. The real problem is the horrible ratings for the local news on NBC affiliates. The real problem is there was one highly coveted show and, at least as far as NBC was concerned, two qualified men who wanted it. And instead of being a man and comitting either way, NBC tried to have an unholy threesome where it fucked everyone else fast and hard and then had to get up early the next morning for a meeting.3 NBC’s solution: create two Tonight Shows.4

Unlike a lot of Conan fans5 who have complained about this debacle and yet didn’t follow him to the 11:35 slot, I stuck around. I missed two episodes in October and possibly one in December, but those few marks against me aside, and of course, taking into account the literally thousands of episodes of Late Night with Conan O’Brien I’ve seen over the years, I think I, an avowed Conhead, possess some expertise on the matter.6 People say that he’s not as funny as he used to be, that he dumbed down his comedy, and I disrespectfully disagree.

Conan on Late Night was clearly in the vain of his predecessor, Letterman, the previous late night scandal holder. Conan on the The Tonight Show was clearly inspired by the man who made that show what it is, Johnny Carson. It was more spontaneous than Leno and less zany than Letterman. It was its own.

Did the show’s tone change in the transition? Absolutely and quite obviously, so again, fuck Dick Ebersoll in his lying mouth. Many of the best parts of Conan’s old show were skits involving a sizeable chunk of the writing staff, notably Brian Stack (Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time, The Ghost Crooner, The Interrupter), Jon Glaser (Pubes), Brian McCann (Preparation H Raymond, S & M Abe Lincoln), Kevin Dorff (well, everything else) and, of course, Rober Smigel (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Clutch Cargo). The idea for the new show was to ease into that and give the audience time to adjust to Conan before they had to deal with the likes of the Fed-Ex Pope and Cactus Chef Playing ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ on the Flute. Can you blame them? But Conan, with Andy Richter’s help, was still up to the task of entertaining us while we fuck and/or brush our teeth.7

While the skits may not have been as funny as in the past, pound for pound Conan is still the best, most quick witted interviewer around. Not as boring as Leno, or as mean as Letterman, or as hard to understand as Ferguson, more charming than Kimmel and funnier than Fallon, Conan is just plain good at his job. Stephen Colbert may one day give him a run for his money, but the constraints of his persona and the kind of of guests best suited to The Colbert Report, ensure CoCo comes out on top.

The important thing to remember here is that Leno didn’t succeed right out of the gate. He consistently lost his time slot to Letterman, because, for a short blessed while, everyone else seemed to realize how cheap and safe and unfunny he was. Until a British actor just had to get a beej from a hooker. But NBC let Leno figure out his own unique flavor of tepid mediocrity. It’s just a shame that Leno and NBC could not afford Conan the same courtesy.

If they erred too much on the side of caution, so be it. If they confused and scared flyover country, fine, give them time to fine tune, but don’t tell me they didn’t consider “middle America.” So which is it? Is it too commercial to be good or is it too crazy for your precious Demonites?8 He’s damned if he does and he’s damned if he does thirty minutes later. I guess Conan’s just too beautiful and strange for this world.

You will not find a single professional comedian, with one glaring and half-hearted exception, that will tell you Leno is funnier, or even a better talk show host than O’Brien. Every other late night talk show host, besides those who are scared they might lose their jobs, are on #teamcoco.9 Even his competition, Letterman, is on our side. Granted, there is some bad blood between him and Leno,10 and the cynic in me suspects he’d rather have the weaker competition11, but he’s had some of the best zingers at Leno’s expense these past few days.

In fact, you know what I’d really like to see even though it would be as pointless as it was reckless? Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Greg Daniels, Amy Poehler, Jim Gaffigan, Marc Maron, Jeff Garlin, Jack McBrayer, et al., people that (in my head at least) are friends and supporters of Conan, all coming together to at least publicly state how fucked up NBC’s handling of this situation has been.12 How NBC13 is just a shortsighted moron ruining anything it gets too involved in, a giant, backstabbing bully that doesn’t even know what it wants.

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But don’t just take my word for it.

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Also,


Although, I’m pretty sure Conan is polling higher than Barry these days.

So, it looks like tonight might be the last episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.14 If not tonight, then next week will almost certainly be Conan’s last. Who knows what NBC will air until the Winter Olympics, but when that’s over with, Leno will regain control of The Tonight Show.

If Leno, at the height of his powers was perfect and beat Letterman every night, fine. But let’s see how he does after that all that severe brain trauma he mysteriously incurred. How else to explain this.

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I guess Dick Clark’s not the only uncomfortable to watch stroke victim in late night.

And this is what someone has to spell out for me. If Leno had such abysmal ratings at 10, and he admitedly changed absolutely nothing from his version of “The Tonight Show”, why is everyone all of a sudden going to tune in to the exact same show at a later timeslot? Does America just hate Leno while they’re still digesting their dinner?15 Is there some strange alchemy that occurs at 11:35 on NBC that creates ratings gold?

Clearly not.

I love the magical and wishful thinking that leads NBC executives to think that it’s the timeslot and not the comedian that’s the problem. Hey, Jay Leno, we’re done with you. The future is now, old man! I know it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe America outgrew you. Also, does NBC not anticipate some sort of backlash when Leno resumes his duties as The Tonight Show host? Sure, Jay still has his fans, in nursing homes across the country, but even they know a raw deal when they see one.16

What will ultimately befall Conan? Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine. I see great things just on the horizon.


Is that a FOX I spy?

Although, for purely selfish reasons, I do hope he stays in Los Angeles. I never got to see him in New York and I squandered the scant seven months I had with him. I’m sorry Conan, much like America, I took you for granted. You never really appreciate what you have until it’s gone.

Here’s hoping this was all just an elaborate plot to drive up Conan’s ratings. Where’s Hugh Grant when you need him?17


Fo’ life

  1. Sorry Haitians. Text ‘haiti’ to 90999! []
  2. Effectively making it the first hour of an even longer Today Show. []
  3. Probably with Comcast. []
  4. Fucking King Solomon over here. []
  5. Who still, in theory, have every right to their slightly less informed opinions. []
  6. That’s going right on my resume. []
  7. The next morning. Thank Fuck for DVRs. []
  8. People from Des Moines. Hey, if you have no demonym, you can’t complain. []
  9. Which is pretty unfair, since I’m pretty sure #teamjay is Mavis and whatever NBC intern taught Mavis what a twitter was. []
  10. Double granted, it is warranted bad blood. []
  11. Which assumes Conan is now the weaker of the two. []
  12. C’mon Funny or Die, get on that. []
  13. No Breaks for Conan. []
  14. No Mo Tonight Sho For CoCo? []
  15. Where exactly does Fourth Meal™ fit into this? []
  16. Assuming their glaucoma medication is working. So, if they’re not too high. []
  17. Sarah Palin just wasn’t enough this time. []

¿Si Me Gusta?

Dan Castellaneta guest starring:

+

A midget wrestler named Bumblebee Man:

+

This sneakiness:

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=

too adorable for Bones? What say you? Woo! or Boo!? No, you’re right, Boooo-urns!

Too Soon

ABC is now just toying with my fragile heart, batting it about like some recalcitrant cat and its ill-earned meal, hell bent on prolonging the misery of its prey for as long as felinely possible.

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糟糕 糟糕, young lady, I will certainly not move on!

I can’t quit you, Mal Reynolds!

12-13-02

Never forget.

I-Hardly-Know-R!

I know I’m a few months late on this, but I’m about to watch the Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. I’m not sure what to expect. Well, besides a cheap, fat, lazy, pandering comedian trying to go toe to toe with a panel of his betters.1 But enough about Jeff Foxworthy.

We’re here to talk about this guy.

To be honest, I do appreciate the difficulty of the situation that “Larry” finds himself in. It’s the same problem Stephen Colbert faced when his show first took off, namely whether to ever appear out of character. Despite a few miscalculations like The Love Guru,2 Colbert has been pretty diligent about never straying from his parodic persona. And yet on the rare occasions when he’s interviewed completely out of character, or even more fascinatingly, in a hazy limbo equidistant between fact and fiction, he’s been even more entertaining.

With one exception, I have never seen Dan Whitney perform out of character.


The man has always had style, at least.

There is, however, one other slight, almost negligible difference between the two men: not a single person goes to a “Larry the Cable Guy” comedy show to laugh at the character. Sure, he does self deprecating humor, what comedian doesn’t, and yes, every comedian adopts a persona, but no one is there to enjoy the comedy stylings of Dan Whitney. No one is there ironically. Except maybe David Cross. His audiences, much like the occasional unfortunately out of touch politician on The Colbert Report or The Daily Show are not in on the joke.

Mr. Whitney is not an inept comedian, if nothing else he is savvy as fuck. He figured out out a way to make the most out of his limited skill set. He is even, albeit rarely, capable of some legitimate humor and certainly more so than a Jeff Dunham or a post-success Carlos Mencia.3 This is precisely what I find so offensive about “Larry the Cable Guy”. It pains me to say, but he’s better than this.

Intelligence is a rare enough commodity in this world that pretending you have less than you actually do, unless in the service of some greater good, should be a prosecutable offense. I realize this might be just my axe to grind, but it is sharp and always thirsty. It would be one thing to pretend to be an idiot to make fun of idiots, or to comment on how idiots gain so much attention so easily, or to say something universal about the nature or idiocy. It’s another thing to pretend to be an idiot just to get idiots to line your pockets with (confederate) money. That’s just diabolical.4

The true terror of “Larry the Cable Guy” is not that a fat, unfunny comedian had the balls to try to peddle this sort of mindless, racist, jingoistic, homophobic, xenophobic, smartophobic humor to America, but that America fell for it. The only guy to profit more from 9/11 is Dick Cheney. He really has his finger on the (scrotal) pulse of the nation.5 The true terror of “Larry the Cable Guy” is that we get the comedians we deserve.

I guess I do know what to expect: some of the most savage, smart and innovative mainstream comics to absolutely decimate this buffoon, rip out his heart and piss in his empty skull and then promptly brush up on the history and precise execution of seppuku when they realize he’s more successful than all of them combined will ever be.

So, all in all, good television.

  1. Even the toothless comedians? country music stars? Marcia Bradys? football players? and drug addled madmen that Comedy Central wrangled together can clear that bar. []
  2. Not John Oliver too! []
  3. Hey Dane Cook, want to see what your future looks like? []
  4. The greatest trick Dan Whitney ever played, was convincing the world he doesn’t exist. []
  5. I’m sorry. That was a lazy and offensive joke. Scrotums are marvels of engineering, nature’s adorable little gore-tex thermostats. Scrotums, we salute you. But enough about Lisa Lampanelli. []

We Can’t Be Heroes


HeroesNBC Mondays 8/7c

Season four of Mutant X Heroes begins tonight. I am on the edge of my pants (of indifference).

Everything good about this show has already been covered in the pages of various X-men comics over the last 40 years. Everything bad too.

Can you blame them, though? Comics had a pretty big head start. There are, after all, only so many powers the human mind can conjure up.1 That being said, the following is a ridiculous and non-comprehensive list of X-Men characters that have appeared on this show:

It’s not just characters either, plots and arcs have of course been borrowed from generously. So much so, in fact that in just three abbreviated years, not to mention a slew of web series and graphic novels, the show has pretty much run out of things to steal from the Marvel universe. Hopefully this will prove to be a good thing. Hopefully this will now force the show’s writers to innovate. If I wanted comics I could just read comics. Give me something that only works on my TV, or more realistically, my computer.

The show is not all bad. Exhibit A:

So this character, Spock Sylar, the big bad from season one, can suck out other people’s powers directly from their brains. Conveniently, the first power he gobbled down was telekenesis, so all he has to do now is point a finger, slice off the top of your head and drink….your…brainshake. Drink it up!

Now, Wolverine Claire has the ability to regenerate. She is, by all accounts, immortal. You can see how that would be a highly coveted power to absorb. In fact, that’s something the show has been building towards since the beginning. If Sylar ever gets her power he will become unstoppable.

Despite my language earlier, it’s never been clear exactly what he does with the brains once he scoops them out. Technically, Sylar’s power is the ability to take a complex mechanism apart and intuit how it works. His sin and his blessing is curiosity. Fair enough. Somehow though, understanding how a power works translates to him gaining that power permanently. Fair enough. But what exactly does he have to do to understand a power?

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The show is almost all bad. Exhibit B:


Hijinks Ensue

Hey, no one ever said science fiction was easy.

Such is my faith in Bryan Fuller, creator of three fantastic, fantastical and increasingly morbid television shows, namely Wonderland, Dead Like Me, and Pushing Daisies, that I still hold out hope. Fuller was around in the beginning, when the show was at its best, and left to work on Pushing Daisies, right around when the quality started to dip. He returned at the end of last season, because America wasn’t ready for talking corpses played for laughs. Or should I say such was my faith since I think he has now left the show yet again?

We’ll see tonight if the show can ever live up to its potential and its esteemed predecessors:

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Yu Mo Gwai Gui Fai Di Zao, indeed.

For now though, let’s just hope season four isn’t building up to a climactic showdown between the heroes and Mojo in the Danger Room, which is now on the moon, while the Shi’ar empire watches and their leader, Brett Ratner, masturbates onto a pile of burning money. Oh and Cylons Skrulls. Actually, I wouldn’t mind some Cylon action. Ah, the soft bigotry of mutated expectations.


HeroesNBC Mondays 8/7c

  1. Is that a power? []
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